I'm sorry you're going through this. It makes it hard when your spouse turns away from the marriage to fill the voids. I would continue to bring up counseling in hopes she will change her mind. You might want to consider individual counseling for yourself to help you deal with the emotions and to help prepare you in case she does leave. Transitioning to being a single parent of 3 will be a challenge and add to the overall stress. Just know you will be ok and you are not alone.

I'm sorry you are going through this. But she has already shown you that fidelity was not her strong suit. Maybe you should take her at her words and actions.

I am guessing this is a midlife crisis type deal. I am currently waking up myself and realizing I have missed out on so very much of life . My situation is a bit different though. For the last 10 of our 15 year marriage there has been no affection, communication, help of any kind, or any physical touch (except an occasional peck here or there).Stbx shut down both physically and emotionally expecting me to do the same. I tried for awhile, but that is no way to live......dreading each new day. I wanted kids, but wouldn't have any. (now I realize that is a blessing in disguise.) For me, I realize life is too short and I have wasted most of my life doing and caring for all but myself. Finally realizing I do deserve to be treated better, have lots to offer someone who does truly want more.

For her, it is probably a feeling of missing out on something (going to the "other side"....rebellious rather than average Mom and wife. The fact that you mentioned she did this before is very sad to me. To know she has a husband and boys who do love and count on her, yet she would not consider you all...... Or the way she told you.... if feelings continue to develop with another guy.... wth??? You don't usually tell your spouse..... if I do start to fall for another , be prepared for the circumstances. Normally , you would try to steer clear of another man as opposed to your own husband.

You mentioned not being angry. When I first told my stbx I really did want a divorce (I had been trying to tell him I wasn't happy , couldn't keep on this way as well as why... he more or less discounted all I said) he was actually hurt and broke down. By the time I had to mention it again, the anger and resentment had come up ... big time. This was part of the reason i put off following through.... because I hate confrontation and the nasty verbal attacks that would follow.

My heart goes out to you and your boys. (Please know you don't deserve to be treated like this once, let alone twice. You deserve better.) my thoughts and prayers are with you.

thanks for the reply. She even had the gall to tell me that it was "ok" if I wanted to see other people. Really?? My boys are my primary focus. Dating is not in my forethought. We had decided on joint custody since she'll be about 30 mins away.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I am in the same boat only we've been separated for 18 months. I thought we could work through our issues but it turns out has been lying all these months and is seeing someone who is just a few years older than our 20 year old. I just don't get what went so wrong that we couldn't make it work. Now I know that meeting her during a low point in our relationship is what happened. He was away for months working in the town she lived in. She worked at the same place as him
And I am so mad now that instead of wanting to address our issues he just chose to leave. I keep hoping though that he will change his mind and come back but I also think that is a bit stupid of me.
I have decided to start counselling to see if it can help
No one deserves to be treated like this by people who supposedly loved them

Hi difficultroad2;
Always remember you are never alone in this and your happiness does not depend on whether she is with you or not. It sounds like you would be happier if you were divorced because this is her second infidelity, and she doesn't want to work on your marriage, only find a different one.
You cannot control her feelings nor make her happy. A strong desire to save your marriage has to come from within both of you. If she does not communicate this desire through ACTION (not words) then I would start moving forward away from her.
Ask her if she wants to really save your marriage, and if so, you need to start working on it together right away (today or tomorrow).
If she says "I don't know" or "I need some time to think" then give her a week. If she still can't give you an answer after that, then you need to start the divorce process.
Concerning the "be prepared for the worse" remark: that is extremely inconsiderate, selfish and demeaning, and you DO NOT deserve to be treated like that. Asking you to wait to see if something develops with someone else is the mark of an extremely uncaring and sick individual. You're not a fool to hope she'll "see the light", but it is unhealthy to live your life that she will.
Move forward, seek divorce/separation help from your local church or community services and speak with a lawyer. Get exercise and occupy your down time with a hobby. There is another, brighter side and you'll get there. Time is the greatest healer.
Dave

I have a comment for VeggieQueen...um, where you asleep during your wedding? What about your wedding vows? How about finishing thru or having some integrity for your family...NOT JUST YOURSELF...WTF is this..."I am guessing this is a midlife crisis type deal. I am currently waking up myself and realizing I have missed out on so very much of life "...go back to sleep...I've been on numerous boards looking for advice on how to deal/cope w/ divorce and this is by far the most selfish answer I have ever heard. What ever happened to commitment...understanding...look at your responses...its just basic ME ME ME....I I I....this is the problem I have notice thru numerous sites....this is just an excuse Veggie...IMHO....

Hang in there difficultroad2...midlife crisis is not..ITS NOT AN EXCUSE TO JUST JET...you have a walk away wife on your hands....much like Veggie...keep the faith...theres plenty of fish in the sea....GOOD ONES TOO...

Peace

Sorry for your pain. It must be very raw. You've only had a week to digest this but for your wife, she's had time to think and sounds like she's worked it all out for herself. You must still be in shock, you need time to catch up. It sounds like you'd like to try to work things out. With her? Try to keep communication going because however this goes you'll always need to communicate well for your sons sakes.
If the decision sticks and she moves out, make sure you take legal advice for custody arrangements. I've learned from experience that a partner who's amenable when breaking up can change their mind down the line. Best wishes to you.

Thanks everyone for the encouraging words. Its hard to push forward after spending half your life with someone who I thought was the love of my life. I have decided to see a therapist who specifically deals with these kind of issues.

Hi difficultroad; I was in your place a dozen years ago. I am finally moving on from the emotional pain that the affair put on me. I reacted poorly to the discovery. Like you, I didn’t get angry. I don’t really get angry, wish I did sometimes! Because what I do is take everything personally. And please don’t go down that road. Say to yourself; this is her crappy way of not dealing with her own unhappiness. Not a reflection on you!!! @irish; you might try to control your anger. We all have enough in our lives without bringing more in. What veggie queen (my close friend who has helped me more than she can know) was trying to say about the mid-life crisis thing is what I just said. That diff.rd. should know that this betrayal was out off his hands. I have realized that when the cheating partner says you should find someone too, it is her attempt to ease her own guilt. She doesn’t want you to feel better. She wants to feel Less badly about herself. Remember that. Most of her actions will be based on that goal. You are NOT responsible for making her feel better. I made that mistake and I have paid for it dearly. Do not doubt yourself on any level. Instead embrace this flood of emotions so you can feel them and let them go. It Will happen just be kind and patient with YOU. She was selfish. Now you can be too in a way. Although that’s not really what I mean. You are going to feel alone. Use that to take walks or read, maybe try a group or a hobby you never felt you deserved to take time for. Exercise is a great outlet. There is no down side!!! And keep talking. There are so many individuals who are hurting too. Share, open up and let the love in. It can come from unexpected places.

My heart hurts for you and I am going through the same thing. I want to keep hope that he will change his mind but this is his second time to. You are not alone! Pm if you need to talk

I hate this for you. I too have felt so much pain going through something similar. I hope you stay strong as I'm trying to do myself & seek God the almighty...