Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Hey everyone. I'm sorry I haven't been around, but up until recently, I have been doing really well. For the most part, I'm moving on with my life, a new and improved me. In an effort to keep a positive outlook on life, and not scare myself out of trying to find love again, I felt best to retreat. I do miss you all though, and I hope that the ones I consider friends are doing better. My ex really hasn't been on my mind in a pretty long while, and I have been very strong as far as not contacting her. I would offer advice, but honestly, reading everyone's hardship only makes me sad, because it is a shame we have to go through this.
However, I'm scared about winter. My main method has been working towards being healthier, and improving my life. For the most part, I am succeeding, as my overall strength has increased a bit over the last 3 months, and PT has been really helping me. But with winter, so comes the seasonal depression, and the generally feeling weaker and sicker due to the weather.
I don't tolerate the cold well, and I find it harder to breathe in colder air. My major resource to keep busy in times like this, and to entertain myself, has been TV and playing video games, and has been since I've been sick. Problem is, every time that I do either of these things, I wind up getting sad, and thinking about my ex. This was my ex's main way of keeping me under her control, and was the only things I was allowed to do.
Now that I'm free, and can be active, I want to be, but sense that I won't be capable of being as active because of my own body. I have been very active this summer, and fall, so much that that I'm actually losing weight, and building muscle strength. I haven't fallen in almost 2 months, minus one incident, and honestly, I'm very proud of myself. I haven't used the computer much, other then to read here from time to time, and to talk to friends, and this new girl I met.
So, after all that, how do I separate the stigma that my brain has created with playing video games and watching tv from her? I love gaming, I also enjoy some tv shows, and have for a very long time. But I feel like I have conditioned myself to not like them now, because of the memories of what she did to me. The fact that it is all I was allowed to do has a weird attachment, and now that I'm not forced to do it, I can't even bring myself to do it for more then an hour.
Is it even possible to separate those memories from the entertainment they bring? I've sat and analyzed this for a week or so, and haven't come up with anything. I hope that someone here has been through something like this, and can maybe shed some light on the matter. I know I'm inadvertently focusing on her, and I don't want to do this anymore. My co-dependance on her is broken, and I wish to keep it that way.
Sorry for the long post, but I felt it best to provide as much detail as possible. Thanks for all the help, and again, I hope and wish you all well, and pray that you guys are recovering in your own way. Getting to where I am now, I wouldn't of been able to without you guys. I just wish I had the strength to return the same.
However, I'm scared about winter. My main method has been working towards being healthier, and improving my life. For the most part, I am succeeding, as my overall strength has increased a bit over the last 3 months, and PT has been really helping me. But with winter, so comes the seasonal depression, and the generally feeling weaker and sicker due to the weather.
I don't tolerate the cold well, and I find it harder to breathe in colder air. My major resource to keep busy in times like this, and to entertain myself, has been TV and playing video games, and has been since I've been sick. Problem is, every time that I do either of these things, I wind up getting sad, and thinking about my ex. This was my ex's main way of keeping me under her control, and was the only things I was allowed to do.
Now that I'm free, and can be active, I want to be, but sense that I won't be capable of being as active because of my own body. I have been very active this summer, and fall, so much that that I'm actually losing weight, and building muscle strength. I haven't fallen in almost 2 months, minus one incident, and honestly, I'm very proud of myself. I haven't used the computer much, other then to read here from time to time, and to talk to friends, and this new girl I met.
So, after all that, how do I separate the stigma that my brain has created with playing video games and watching tv from her? I love gaming, I also enjoy some tv shows, and have for a very long time. But I feel like I have conditioned myself to not like them now, because of the memories of what she did to me. The fact that it is all I was allowed to do has a weird attachment, and now that I'm not forced to do it, I can't even bring myself to do it for more then an hour.
Is it even possible to separate those memories from the entertainment they bring? I've sat and analyzed this for a week or so, and haven't come up with anything. I hope that someone here has been through something like this, and can maybe shed some light on the matter. I know I'm inadvertently focusing on her, and I don't want to do this anymore. My co-dependance on her is broken, and I wish to keep it that way.
Sorry for the long post, but I felt it best to provide as much detail as possible. Thanks for all the help, and again, I hope and wish you all well, and pray that you guys are recovering in your own way. Getting to where I am now, I wouldn't of been able to without you guys. I just wish I had the strength to return the same.
Sure it may be more trying anticipating this and actually getting through the winter, but I bet if you continue on the path you have, doing activities away from the Tv or computer, even if its just to bundle up and take a walk outside or to a park maybe an self made ice pond where kids skate, whatever just to be outside for an allotted time you can tolerate will help. Breathe in fresh air, get used to going out in the elements and accustoming your body to it instead of insulating yourself from it by staying in.
My bet is your mindset won't let you stop now that you are moving forward. So just try not to dwell on it and say to yourself "We'll cross that bridge when we get there, but Im sure I'll be fine, look at me now!"
stay strong , keep moving forward
But now that we are apart I find it very hard to play that particular game, which was always my favorite. I also can't watch any of the tv shows that we watched together.
For the last month I've been concentrating on cleaning. Something that I didn't get done much in the last two years. He never wanted to let me out of his sight, not even long enough to clean the kitchen. But I have health issues and can only clean so much before I have to rest. My legs give out on me too easily. So when it comes time to do something relaxing I find myself lost. I must admit the house cleaning has helped me to lose some weight, but I just can't do it all the time.
The only way I've managed to get over my hang ups about watching tv and playing games is to change it up some. Instead of watching the actual tv I use free sites on the pc like hulu and project free tv to watch episodes of new shows that I never saw, or shows that I had to stop watching because he didn't like them. And I've been interspersing different video games that he never played. Anything to make it feel different than it did before. It all being different has become the key to me getting past it. You might give it a try.
As far as my favorite video game, I've thought about starting it over from the beginning, sort of a fresh start. The idea of a fresh start sounds good to me. At least thinking of it that way helps my over all mood. I probably need to add that the game is one of those that you can play forever and never finish it.
Hope some of this helps you.
As for memories- I was in an abusive relationship for a very long time, I have also been out of it for a very long time and every once in a while something pops up related to things that happened. Like someone asking my why I never have an onion in my house and never cook with onions-I didn't realize I was still carrying that around- (I once had a plate broken over my head because of there being onion in the food). These things stay with us for a very long time- stupid onions were associated with a bad memory- so I went out and bought some and some garlic too and now I just go ahead and cook like I used to a long long time ago. It takes us a long time to learn that there isn't going to be a bad reaction to something- like a monkey getting a shock for touching the wrong thing- turn off the shock and it takes us quite a while to learn and trust that we won't get shocked. The same is true to getting back to enjoying the things we used to do.
I wonder if there is some one you could play with like a kid that would just bring it right back to the basic level of "this is so freaking awesome" There's nothing like the excitement of a kid to get you feeling like one yourself. I don't even play games but when my boys convince me to give it a try- it's always fun, even just watching them can be fun and entertaining. As for TV shows- are there new ones that you like? It's easier to move on an enjoy something that doesn't have a bad association- a newer show wouldn't have that- make a new tradition- of Sunday night is my show....... I'm gonna make my favourite dinner or get my favourite snack and watch it. Just find ways to turn things around to a positive, before long she won't be in your mind at all you'll just be enjoying.
hang in there, it is a long, steady road toward full strength. :)
I also found that I didn't enjoy certain things after I first separated. I am an avid reader and I totally stopped reading for about 6 months. My ex tried to use my reading as an excuse as to why he cheated (yep, cheaters will use any excuse). I now have found my passions again. Do not despair--these passions will return as you heal.
I have since been diagnosed with season affective disorder and my doc has started me on a second anti-depressant to help with that. I was taking Wellbutrin and my doc added Citalopram. Both are working well now and my mood is much better.
I have never tried the light therapy but I have a friend on DS who uses it and really likes it. Check it out.
The one thing I strongly recommend is you make every effort to get out of the house during the day. Fresh air and a little sunshine, even if it's cold, works wonders.
Sending healing hugs!!!
As far as the gaming goes, I have tried. I play with friends, as they are all gamers, and there are times I do just have fun and not think about it. But I'd say a good chunk of time I think back to her yelling at me for playing with them, from years and years past, and that is a bit hard for me still. She hated my friends with a passion, and wound up finding a way to split us apart, and isolate me. It isn't to say I didn't have a hand it in it, but she definitely got the ball rolling and put the tension there for me to start a fight which cut ties.
They all have since forgiven me, and realize that it was her, but the memories are still attached. It isn't so much that I want to forget, as much as I want it to not be attached anymore. I never want to forget what she did to me, because I never want to go back to that. Analyzing it all has helped me see where I went wrong in certain aspects, and signs of what she was doing before it got to where it was.
So those memories are ok, but I just want to be able to enjoy what I used to without her voice in my head telling me that is all I'm allowed to do, or being yelled at like a little kid for enjoying my friends. I know this is complicated, and will take time, it is just really tough to handle. Apparently forgiving her doesn't really absolve these feelings and thoughts.
As far as meds go, I don't want to be on any if I can help it. Anti-depressants and me don't get along well, and normally increase the suicide thoughts and worsen the depression it is to cure. That would be the exact opposite of what I want right now. I want to remain happy and my cheerful self. I want to be smiling, and laughing, and feel joy in my heart.
Thank you all for all the advice. You guys are wonderful. I can't thank you enough for all the help you have given me.
the more that you add, the more that the old ones will fade to the background.
As for the attachment of her crap to the things you do. It makes sense to feel how you do. Behaviors get learned and attached if they are done enough in repetition. Nothing you can do but acknowledge it, continue to play through it and retrain yourself to know its ok to play your games or whatever it is you do.
Re: gaming, etc how about finding a group of people that like gaming too and going to meetups/group gaming? Also TV watching--if you were watching with friends/meetup people then it's a group activity and you wouldn't have the pressure of remembering her control over you?
Sorry she's left you with such trauma--and I hope that you can figure out something for the winter. As others have said, light therapy can help with the depression--but of course it won't help your lungs (but might gradually exposing yourself to colder air for longer periods work?)
But to contrast this, last week we went out and did the same type of activity when it was 60 degrees out, and I lasted 4 or so hours without any issues. Sure, I was tired as hell when we finished, and the next day my legs were weak, as to be expected, but nothing lung related wise. So if this is what is to be expected for winter, it might be hard for me. I will talk to a doctor about light therapy.
I don't feel I'm slipping per say, more like this is another hurdle I have to jump over, and it seems higher then the ones I've previously done. Emotionally and mentally, I'm doing great right now, and I want to keep it that way. Right now, it seems everything is working out for me, between my family, my friends, this girl I met who has been making me feel special again, to just the everyday stuff with my MG.
My MG has been so decent lately that I have been exercising 2 times a week, with a 3 mile walk, and doing my PT as well 2 times a week, which has a lot of physical components to it as well. I don't know if I'm in a lull period, or if something is changing with me, but whatever it is, I hope it sticks around for awhile.
As far as groups go, my lack of transportation hinders that at the moment, but is something I'm considering when I get a car sorted out. One of my friends is supposed to be getting me one next month for my birthday, and I'm to pay him back in small amounts until it is paid off. Seeing as I only make 800 a month, he is really being nice about it, and letting me do it in smaller payments so I can survive.
Well I think that about covers all the comments. If I forgot something, I'm sorry. You guys are so great, and you all have made some very interesting points to me. Some, I'm already doing, some, I haven't thought about, and some are future bound. I guess I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing for the most part.
I think honestly, I just hate how hard it is for me to go through all this, while for her it was so easy to just get rid of me and go find someone else. To me, it all feels like some game. All her decisions, all her actions, planned to make me deal with her this way. I'm just glad that I'm stronger then I gave myself credit back five months ago, and that she is no longer winning. May of next year can't come soon enough. :)