there are seldom sweeter words inside a recovering persons head than "I am so sick and tired of this, I just want it to stop"

BAM!

change!

now ya got me analizing about analyzing lol. vonny x

Thanks FrozenChosen.. your truth, fact imagination breakdown makes alot of sense and seems familiar to me...hmmmmm

Phoenix,

Interesting logic. I overanalyze too. Drive myself nuts with it, and trying to figure out why and how I can stop doing. Maybe I just need to let it run it's course? Although, been overanalyzing for almost 3 years now. How the hell long is this course???

It's easy to spend too much time thinking about it. But you are better off looking for the new pizza place.

When you see children playing, they are enjoying themselves so much because they are living in the now - not dwelling on the past or worrying about the future.

Yep. But overanalyzing isn't the same as being mindful and considerate...do unto others so-to-speak. But if you live the golden rule what would the consequences be of being 100% yourself and doing what came naturally? Who do we have to prove anything to? Integrity of the self is not that same as integrity as you think it should be for everyone else. Again, my humble opinion.

Come to NYC and the pizza challenge is on...

I really am speaking for myself when I say those things.

I put a lot of meaning on artistic things, like beauty, composition, freeing a figure from a chunk of stone, helping a face appear from the mist of a white canvas.

I approach my body, my face, my heart, my mind and how my life plays out all like compositions.

Thrown into that mix is my inability to mold or push or erase people in real life like I can with materials. So molding their meaning or value inside of me is all I can do really.

So I ws in this relationship for 7 years where I GOT molded. Thats not easy to admit since I've always been independent and assertive and a free agent. I still cant adequately describe how it happened, but it did ever so slowly until I didnt even know who I was anymore, doing and saying and feeling things out of my character.

My analyzing things now are the unravelling of the knot, but also my way of trying to make amends to myself for what I allowed to happen when I didnt think enough, when I chose to shut my brain off, not listen to the little voice, look away, dissociate, shut down, rationalize that "looking the other way" was just me not being codependent, etc etc ad nauseum.

I'm alive.

That seems both an inane 'given", and an overdramatization.

The truth its somewhere in the middle, and I think, subconsciously I'm scared to death, if I dont stay hypervigilant 24/7 I'm at risk of not being alive.

Its not what I consciously think, I just notice, really watching people, how they behave, how their behaviour impacts me or tweaks my instincts, and how I react to them is all marble to me right now, and I dont want to chip it away until I know what meaning it has.

Living while oblivious damn near destroyed me.

I recognize most of the forum members here dont have that as their history, and truthfully I envy many of you for how free you are, because I recognize my chains are my own, I recognize I'm just not ready to feel my freedom, end making amends, or risk letting someone in enough that they can hurt me (or love me).

maybe next week?

in the meantime, if my abundant analysis becomes abundantly annoying, forgive me, its my map, compass and shield right now.

wheres that quotation thread? I have to put this in there, its brilliant.

"Integrity of the self is not that same as integrity as you think it should be for everyone else"