Hey lost, I was exactly where you are. And it really does suck. There were days I didn't want to get out of bed. And worse yet, there were days I wasn't all that grateful that I woke up in the morning.

First know that what you're feeling, while sucky, is normal.

Next, allow yourself to feel your feelings. (I know it can be harder for men because society thinks 'big boys shouldn't cry.' That is a total crock.

As for friends and family being understanding - unless they've been thru it, they won't get it. Even if they try to be supportive. They'll probably say stuff that will hurt to the core. They most likely won't mean it to hurt.

There are some things you can do to help yourself.

1. In person divorce support groups. Here are two national ones:
www.rebuilding.org (this one is based on Bruce Fisher's book Rebuilding)
www.divorcecare.com (this one is Bible based)

There may be other groups in your area. Just be sure they are properly facilitated by trained people. (I personally found the two divorce care groups in my area to be very lacking in effective facilitation. But the rebuilding group was great.

2. Grief support groups (in person). Divorce isn't just about the lost of our partners. There are multiple losses that go along with it. Many people are diagnosed as depressed when they are actually grieving. Grief is a process of moving in and out of various stages, but not necessarily in order or one at a time. Just because you got thru one stage doesn't mean you won't repeat it. Healing definitely isn't linear.

3. Therapy with someone who specializes in divorces & grief recovery. This can make a huge difference. I had no local friends & my family lives 2000 miles away. Once I found the right therapist, it was amazing. But it took time. The other thing therapy should do for you is teach you how to love yourself and not look to be fulfilled by a partner. I did that to my ex and now I realize how much pressure I put on him to 'fulfill' me. The only person who can fulfill us is us.

4. Time - give yourself as much time as you need to heal. It takes longer than you think. For every 5-7 years of marriage, it takes 1-2s years to grieve and heal.

5. Look into the practice of mindfulness - i.e. staying in the moment. Anthony DeMello, in his book, The Way to Love, says that the reason we are unhappy is because we focuc on what we don't have instead of what we do have. If you stop, take a breath, and look around, you will see that you have exactly what you need (not want) in that very moment. PM me if you want more info about this.

6. Practice daily gratitude. You might not think you have much for which you can be grateful. I know I didn't. But its amazing once you start looking for things to be grateful for. And they don't have to be big things. The smile on your kids' faces. Waking up in the morning. Having a job, a car that runs, food on the table, etc.

The more you do 5 & 6, the less negative you will be. Remember, it will take time and you will 'recycle' (i.e. take steps backwards instead of forwards). Hell, you'll go in circles, sideways and zig zag your way thru healing. BUT, you WILL get thru it. It does get better.

~healing hugs~

3 months is really early. I was exactly where you were after a 24 year relationship and 2 kids. For the first 6-7 months or so I dreamt of reconciliation being the ticket to happiness. Then dated a bit 8 months out. But now 17 months out its like night and day. I'm comfortable being alone. I know a relationship while awesome sometimes are also fraught with stress and compromises. I don't need that right now and I'm ok with it. Give yourself time. It really does get better. Once you have them knocked off the pedestal and rose colored glasses smashed to pieces you can focus on yourself and what makes you happy. I'm not even thinking of relationships right now, and it's really ok! Hang in there!

Thank you for the replies. I am seeing a counselor and reading a lot about recovery. That's what scares me now. I'm looking at a minimum of 4 years to heal. Seems like a really long time. I am going to do a divorce care group but it doesn't start for another month. Of course some days are better than others. It's just days like this morning when the emptiness is overwhelming and I don't care if I wake up or die in a car wreck. And that would be devastating to my kids so I feel guilty of thinking it. Just trying to cope with a bad situation as best I can. And really like y'all, would I really want her back after all she has done to me. I truly deserve better. Yeah I made mistakes but I was always faithful. I knew how much it would hurt her so I worked hard to avoid any situation that would be tempting. She seemed to seek them out. And I do have a lot to be thankful for. A whole lot. I try to think of that and be grateful every day. They just seem to be drowned out by the miserable thinking. Thanks again for replying and letting me vent to those that understand exactly how I feel. Best of luck in your journey and healing.

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I think that most of here have felt the same way at some point. Three months is still really early. Unfortunately you need to prepare for the fact that you will heal at your own pace and that won't seem fast enough. It's been 10 months for me and I still feel that I am living a shell of a life, that I'm just going through the motions. However I rarely experience the crippling anxiety attacks that I experienced in the early days. And I can look back and see that I have made progress. I am glad that you are going to DivorceCare. You should get support from others who are going through the same thing. Try to make some friends there. They will understand what you are going through. No one can understand if they haven't gone through it themselves. I also felt that I wanted to check out in the early days but I couldn't do that to my daughter. This is the worst experience that most of us will go through in a lifetime. It hurts. Alot. But it will get slowly better. Just take it one hour at a time. MyTrueColours has some great advice to follow that will help. Hugs.

i'm sorry for how you feel, been there myself, so i don't feel bad in saying
get your head out of your ass!

ok, we all know that you didn't put it there, divorce and the bullshit has

simply put, you have kids, so you don't have a choice of opting out of fatherhood

divorce makes for real difficult seas for children, you gotta pull your shit together otherwise it is that much harder for your kids

so be thankful that you have a choice - kids desire a father, they are blessed in that they have you, you can choose to be the best blessing you can give them or choose not to

pretty simple my friend

Sorry you are in pain. Like others, I have been through it (am going through it) so I know how bad it can be.

It gets better. Step by step. Day by day. It gets better. You find something to focus on (like the kids) and it pulls you through.

Some days you'll want to curl into a ball and never get up. Let yourself stay fetal and cry every once in a while. But, more often then not, make yourself get up and do those seemingly meaningless things everyone says you should (exercise, eat well. Go out with friends). It will all feel meaningless. But, one day it won't. And, someday you will feel awesome. Liberated. Clear. Free. Enjoy those. Days. Write about it. Because, the feeling is fleeting.

But one day you will wake up and realize you made it through the worst and you have survived.

You will survive.

I appreciated your comments, Strong...The pain, confusion and tiredness can feel never-ending... Hearing that it WILL get better and that we all WILL survive is soul-soothing. Thanks for your comforting words.

Thank you to everyone that replied even the tough love refurb. And I know you are all right. I am working with my doctor and a counselor. Next month the divorce care group starts. Divorce should be final in less than a month. But for now, you guys are my support. The ones that understand and can empathize with me. Others that are on this journey too and surviving. I wish that I never had those feelings. This is the only place I really feel comfortable discussing my true feelings. Around everyone else I have to act like I at least have it all somewhat together. Especially my girls. It sucks to go to that very dark place. Where you feel like you just can't take it anymore. And I certainly don't every want my girls to have to deal with that kind of loss. I am here for them. I would never take some of the medicine that i have been given if not for them. But it is necessary for now. I am not trying to drown out the feelings with the medicine. It's to just take some of the edge off. I am still working through all the emotions. The shock is mostly gone. Trying to bargain has been covered. So now I get to work through the anger and depression. And believe me, I cry. Spent a couple of hours doing it this weekend. For now I am focused on my kids. Trying to focus on me as well. Find a hobby and stay busy on the weekends. It's just a tough time. And it helps knowing that all of you understand. So for now, I'm going to be hanging out here with you guys asking for and giving my support. Thank all of you and I am sorry all of you are going through this too!