Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

13,009 Members

100,360 Posts

0 Online

LostNFound3 07/31/2015

My Ex just got back from a week in NH at what used to be my time share. I realized she might bring her new guy, and I didn't want to know. I've been working hard to redirect my thoughts around things like that and focus on the future.

However, she was supposed to drop my son off tonight, which would have been really nice of her, though I suspected it was so I wouldn't see her with OM. Anyway, no surprise, my son sent me a text saying they got back later than expected and would I come pick him up. So I did.

I got there and my Ex told me the WiFi range extender I had set up for her wasn't working, and she wanted me to fix it. Then she said she had to mow the lawn and walked out. I fixed the WiFi, then got my son's stuff and left.

My son told me he was scared at night on vacation because it is a strange condo away from home and he usually sleeps with mom, but he had to sleep downstairs because mom was sleeping with her boyfriend. He wasn't comfortable with that.

What do I say to him? I'm not comfortable with that either, but my Ex sure won't listen to me if I bring tell her that.. In spite of my better instincts, I did text her that I was uncomfortable with her sleeping with new guy in the presence of my son as she only started dating him in May, the same week she had reconnected with me, made love with me again, then decided to date him instead. Long story. Anyway, I'm not as detached as I hoped to be and it bothers me that my son was exposed to that. I guess I'm just venting here.

My son did say "Dad, its not like I was in the room when they were doing that." I suppose I should be at least grateful for that.

refurb 07/31/2015

nada thing you can say to her
she has lost her bearings as a mother ----(sad sick woman)

nada to say to your son, he has told you how he sees it by saying
"Dad, its not like I was in the room when they were doing that." so so so sad that he knows he knows the turd that he is sugar coating is his mom

wow, who puts that own a kid, their own kid

back to your son, he has told you that he gets it, leave it at that
wow, that kid has a man's backbone
i'm thinking he takes after his daddy

kbbcoop77 07/31/2015

unfortunately theres nothing you can do in regards to your exes choices who she sleeps with and how she coparents. its sucks ass but thats the gamble when you have kids with someone. Eventually you will be sleeping with someone else and the same situation will arise. Just be the strong dad for your kids. Eventually kids grow up, and its quicker than you can imagine. Theyll make up their own mind soon enough.

mynewnormal 08/01/2015

this situation is awful.. and like I said in the other forum, I think you should find strength in the knowledge that your son turned to you and confided in you :)

I was about to log out of DS.. but there's something in this post that just kept nagging at me..

WHY did you fix her wifi?? you need to pull yourself away from her as much as you can.. and by 'helping' her.. and doing as she asks.. your just making this harder on yourself.. you think you're being the better person, and stepping up where you usually and probably always did.. and she's EXPECTING it.. which is 100x's worse!

you need to stop letting her have her cake and eat it too.. she chose to lie, and cheat.. she chose to follow a different path.. let her go on that path alone.. dont let her drag you down it with her, you dont deserve to be treated like an option.. if she doesn't want all of you.. she gets NONE OF YOU..

trust me.. I know its hard, I've turned into the ice queen with my ex.. and every 'performance' is exhausting.. but I refuse to give anymore of myself to him.. and anything he has issues with that he would normally come to me about?? that door is never opened for him.. let her look elsewhere for her 'maintenance' issues.. she's chosen her road.. let her walk it..

(((hugs))).. you deserve so much more, we all do :)

Aries1958 08/01/2015

You really shouldn't say anything to her. Nothing you say to her is going to make a difference as she impresses as not having insight about how her behavior may impact on her child's perception of what she is doing sleeping with a man in the same home where your child sleeps.

Why does your son sleep with your wife? Developmentally it is not good for him. The first separation children make with their parents is separating to sleep in different beds, rooms, etc.

For your sanity, focus on making the best out of the times spent with your son.

strongandsilent 08/01/2015

Ughh! So sorry you. Have to go thru this. I am stunned by these people who think it is ok to expose their kids to new romances so early - and so explicitly! So selfish.

Great that your son can talk to you. That is a huge plus.

Agree with others - sounds like you need to draw some lines. You are not her handyman. You are her co-parent. For me, I'm a year out from the separation. My ex wanted to "help" me (he felt guilty) but I had to refuse. I just couldn't take the contact and hypocrisy. He was angry I refused his help - but too bad. I needed the distance. Maybe you do too...

Aries1958 08/01/2015

To add to my reply, agree with Strongand, you are not her handyman. Maybe the next time you should tell her to ask her boyfriend to fix the Wi-fi and mow the lawn. Set boundaries, otherwise you will set yourself in a situation where she will continue to use you.

onmymind2000 08/01/2015

Kbboop -great answer, man. I've seen this with my sister, and her going through getting divorced from my ex BIL. You just can't dictate or "run" how they parent or the choices they make. As long as the kid isn't neglected or in danger, then it's another big POS you have to swallow.

Sorry for this, man, but you sound like you got a good kid there

broken234 08/01/2015

You would think that over nights, sleepovers or what ever you want to call them would be a no no in front of the kids so early on. How old is your son? The fact that he knows that they do other things when in that bedroom would lead me to believe he is older. It's still not appropriate though regardless of age. I don't think there is anything wrong with letting your ex know that your son was uncomfortable with the arrangement. She might not care what you think but she should be taking your sons feelings into account. At least he is communicating with you and that is great. How is the OM towards your son? Is he nice or just in it for your ex?

LostNFound3 08/01/2015

My son us 11, 12 in October. I don't know how other man is with him. I've not seen them interact directly, and my son hasn't said much else. I don't want to question him about it. I figure he'll talk more when he's ready.

I did text my ex that it made him uncomfortabe, and she simply didn't respond and hasn't sent anything since. I'm sure it damaged the amiable coparenting relationship, so oh well. I just hope she doesn't rebuke my son for talking when I drop him off. She might do that.

LostNFound3 08/01/2015

As for the WiFi, you are right. I should have just told her to find someone else to fix it. I didn't think. I was just getting my son after his week away, and he also asked me to fix it as his Xbox stopped working, so I fixed it without really thinking it through.

This stuff is so difficult for me.

patti22 08/01/2015

I'm going to give you different advice. Remember what you're trying to raise is a man, and what you're trying to do is to teach him how to deal with difficult situations.

So you need to put on your big boy pants and put aside that the situation sucks.

What you first do is ask (or listen) to what your son did.

Then, as long as no one was hurt, you tell him that you're Proud of him and that he handled the situation great. And you need to MEAN it.

Then if you can think of different options, you go over the pluses and minuses to each option. (You could have called me. But then I might have gotten upset, and that wouldn't have helped. Although we also might have just laughed and joked about something else.

Depending on how old your son is, you could talk about sleeping with a stuffed animal, texting friends, reading a book, drawing, or journaling.

The point isn't WHAT he did. But that there are many, many options in dealing with stress and ways to cope.

As for specifically how to deal with his mom. That will ultimately be up to him. I've found that the less I say about my kid's dad the better. My kids need to know that I have their back (but won't put up with bad behavior), not my advice on what to say.

****And I know this pain. My ex did similar things. Seven years post divorce, my kids are teens and growing into people I like.****

gem111 08/01/2015

You really can't control what your ex does, except to make matters worse and make her mad.

I honestly think patti has made a grand slam home run with her advice.

I know this is so hard and I wish you the best of luck.

11Christmases 08/01/2015

When I got divorced, my lawyer drew up a parenting agreement and one section of that said that neither parent was to have a member of the opposite sex, not a relative, spending the night unless they were engaged to be married to the parent. This was not my idea, but part of the standard agreement the law offices use. The fact that they write parenting agreements this way, tells me that family court judges probably would not approve of a parent behaving this way your ex is behaving during her parenting time. If I were you, I would document this incident in detail, with times, dates, addresses, exact words used by your son, etc. You may not do anything with it yet, but it could come in handy if you decide to pursue full custody for yourself.

Lovinsimple 08/01/2015

I am so sorry to hear about your challenges. Personally, I don't think anyone, mother nor father should take having boyfriends nor girlfriends around children so frivolously, and especially, in your Ex's case so soon that your son is uncomfortable about it. Does she really think he would be comfortable with that ? especially after being 'put out' in place of the OM.

I have sons and I know they have special relationships with Mom's. A divorce + new man= turmoil for a young son. This is not good for him. Please keep close to him because he could rebel in various ways. She needs to cool herself down and think about her children....sheesh!!

I know you want to detach and it's hard. You can't force it. I will come one day suddenly, and the more you think about what she's done, and that you deservce better, the sooner it will come. Trust me. All the best to you. ((Hugs))

Join the Conversation