Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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angc 09/06/2007

Well, I haven't been on here much lately. Trying to do some soul searching. What I'm finding, is terrifying. I left an abuser three years ago, so I could get engaged to an alcholic. I have been in a blissful denial until this morning at 4:20am, when I was awakened by the sound of my fiance peeing on the wall in our bedroom. You know that sound of liquid hitting a solid surface, I awoke immediately, and saw my fiance standing next to our bedroom door in his boxers just peeing away. This may sound funny at first, but this is not the first time I have seen these strange things in the middle of the night. Other times he has fought with the wall in the wee morning hours, or wet the bed; one night, I woke up to him standing in the bathroom flipping the light and the fan on and off. All funny, when it is not your fiance. It is scary to think he loses control so much that he is actually doing these things. A couple of nights he has actually hit me or placed his hand on my face in order to gain balance, he doesn't know what he is doing, but nonetheless, it is terrifying!!
Now for the really fun part, Do I stay or do I go? Yes, we have had discussions in the past about this, and because I have so many other addicts in my life and am one myself, I know, he isn't ready to admitt the problem himself. I have heard of people going to al-anon and continuing to live with the alcholic, and eventually everyone heals but I don't know. Any advice/input would be greatly appreciated.

deleted_user 09/06/2007

You need to do what is best for you. These "symptoms" will not go away. Personally I don't think I could sleep in a bedroom that must smell the way yours does - unless you have a shampooer around and are cleaning the rugs everyday. Get a dog. At least you can train them to pee in the yard.

deleted_user 09/06/2007

Oh, man, I am sorry to hear this. I lived with a drug addict for about 10 years before I wised up and left. Then my wonderful husband, who is a pot head (only lives to smoke and nothing else), well, we know that story too. If they can not see the problem, then there is nothing to fix and you have to deal with it. So that is the question, do you want to deal with this for however many years it takes him to stop???
I am here for ya!

deleted_user 09/06/2007

Sorry, ang, that's a raw deal. I think you have to seriously reevaluate things if this is a pattern of behavior.

i'll keep my fingers crossed of you.

deleted_user 09/06/2007

This is going to sound harsh but DON'T DO IT! I speak from experience. I was married to an alcoholic/drug addict. I thought if I could get him away from his friends, he would change. We did move away, he went into the Air Force and things got worse. Much worse.

Your statement "I have heard of people going to al-anon and continuing to live with the alcholic, and eventually everyone heals but I don't know" scares me because it sounds like you are going to rationalize marrying him on the premise that things might change. That is exactly what I did and it was the worst mistake I ever made in my life.

You fiance is experiencing black outs. Where he is too drunk to know what he is doing and doesn't remember it the next day. This is the hallmark of a hard-core alcoholic.

Does he want to stop drinking? Is he seeking help for himself? Those are the things that need to happen in order for 'everyone to heal'. Good luck.

deleted_user 09/06/2007

I'm sorry but you're only 24. Think back to when you were a teenager and did babysitting jobs. At least that was for money! Do you REALLY want to babysit an alcoholic, drug addict or someone who can't give you the respect, time and energy you need in a relationship? Don't be an enabler. Cut your losses now while you're still young. I can say this because I am nearly 44 years old and I have been with those types since I myself was in my early 20s. Please don't make the same mistakes I did. There are plenty of other guys out there that are worthy of you and you deserve it..... Please consider my reply.....

deleted_user 09/06/2007

You cannot change him, he isn't willing to change himself and eventually you'll marry this man only to wake up in ten to fifteen years, married with children, ready to leave. Then your in your 30's with children, going through a divorce. Stop it now so you don't have to experience so much of what we've gone through.

FinalFantasy 09/06/2007

You need to look at your situation and ask yourself if this is what you wanna deal with for the next....however many years to come. And if you does it get better?
I think you need to live happy and know the other person is in control of himself.

deleted_user 09/06/2007

tek hit right on the nose nothing I can add good advice

hugs

deleted_user 09/06/2007

All good advice here. Another thought is that if he has no idea that he is hitting you or putting his hand over your face to get up, what happens if he can't get up one night and smothers you to death? The fact that these things are happening should provide the motivation to get out. Who knows what he is capable of? He doesn't even know. I'd get out and then look for help for myself. Good luck sweetie. Love and hugs from Nahsville~~Sandy

deleted_user 09/06/2007

I agree with Gemini dont do it. I lived with an alcholic drug addict for 15 years,sometimes he would stop but only to start again and become worse than before.I went to alanon to me alanon was usless because they pretty much tell you you just have to ride it out and be there for the alcoholic. they may give you moral support but to me it wasn't helpful everyone is different though. Its not going to be easy to leave, but staying will wear you out,and break you down I would really think about getting out know while you are still young.

deleted_user 09/06/2007

My wife used to pee in the bedroom, in bed, in the hallway, while she was wearing her pjs. Come out of the bedroom stark naked when friends were over. I stoped cleaning up after her, stopped putting her to bed. She would not realize what she had done, in the morning she's in bed, pjs are dry.
Don't clean up after him. But most important, RUN away since he will not address his addiction.

JennyN 09/06/2007

I say get out too! I lived with a man years ago, before I met my stbx, who did the same things. I was 8 months pregnant and woke up about 3:00 am because the bed was wet....I thought my water had broken....turns out...he peed in bed. I got up took a shower and slept in the living room on the couch. I kicked him out not long after because he refused to admit he had a problem and needed help. I didn't want my daughter to grow up watching that and thinking it is o.k. to drink in excess. Our daughter is almost 9 and he still drinks like that. His girlfriend of 2 1/2 years just broke up with him last week for some of that same reason. You can't make him quit or seek help, he has to want to do it on his own. I wish you luck, it is a terrible situation.

deleted_user 09/06/2007

People who are addicts don't change that easily. If I were you I would leave. That is just unacceptable behavior and an unhealthy situation. You owe it to yourself to get out now. You are not helping him any by staying and putting up with that. You will help him much more if you get out. Maybe that will be his aha moment where he goes for help.

angc 09/06/2007

Thank you to everyone who replied. I have my second counseling appointment tonight, for those who suggested that, hopefully she can give me some direction as well. I realize when you look at my age, 26, you get a view of the typical 26 yr. old. But, I have actually done the married/divorced thing, with a child and often pass for forty in a crowd. It is actually harder to think of leaving after having gone through it once already. Anyway, the support and advice is very much appreciated and I will update you as to how things are going! Thank you all so much!!

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