One year ago this very day, my life was in ruins. One year ago, all that I loved, and believed in was gone. I recall the time, 8:52 am. The very last time I would ever see the woman I called my wife. I watched, on bended knee, as she said goodbye, and left our house of 4 years. I watched, with tears running down my face, as the door closed, never to be open again by her. As she walked down our driveway, into her parent's van. The van, that carried the last ten years of our life with it. All the memories, our possessions, our cats, and our love.

I cried, laying on the floor gasping for air. Pounding the weakened wooden floor, and screaming out, only to hear the echos of my pain and sorrow. I recall vividly the echos of my voice, reminding me that this was no longer my house. All that I strove to be, now lay in ruin. I laid there, exhausted, tears no longer capable of streaming down my face, as I tried so desperately to catch my breath. I laid there in disbelief, wondering how I would ever survive without this woman. How would I ever care for myself, how would I survive the night.

At 10:04 am, a big blue truck arrives at my home, and inside my father and mother, along with my sister. They came, to take me home, back to safety. They helped pack the 10 boxes I had into the truck, and helped clean up the rest of the place, while I struggled to stay standing. My mother, still in shock, put on a brave face for me, and told me everything would be alright. At the time, I had little faith that I would survive the night, let alone be alright.

For the first time in almost 10 years, my family saw the vulnerable me. They saw the tear stained face that was mine. They got to see my heart and soul ripped out of my body, leaving behind an empty shell. Something I never thought I would ever show them, now seen by all, in all of it's sorrowful glory. I tried my best to remain calm, and collected, but this was an extreme challenge. After placing the keys on the kitchen counter, and locking the door, I shut the door for the last time, and I whimpered to myself softly, knowing I would never see this place again.

We drove on roads far to familiar to me. The beautiful hills, the amazing skyline, the little houses tucked in on top of a mountainside. The place I called home for so long, I would never see again. I tried my best to soak it in, for the last time, praying I didn't cry. My sister saw the tears coming out of my eyes, and reached over to me and said it will be alright. I hugged her, saying nothing, knowing that I wouldn't be alright.

Country music playing, the car eerily quiet. As we crossed into a new state, I commented on where I used to live. As the memories flooded my brain, I found myself getting worked up again. I never once thought memories could hold such pain. But indeed they could, and for me, I had far too much pain inside. I closed my eyes, and began thinking of God. In my mind, begging him to please undo this horrific decision. I pleaded, to no avail, for this to all be a dream. A fantasy, that I could simply wake up, and all would be great. To return to the reality I knew, and loved, and cherished.

As like all things with me, God wasn't there to help me. So as I begged and pleaded to no avail, I resigned myself to my fate, and as we crossed into another state once again, we got closer to our final destination. We wound up stopping for snacks and gas at a rest stop, and I remember my father and mother joking about the people that lived where I lived. They were cute, and were trying to make me laugh. It worked for a time, but my head continued to dwell on what happened earlier.

A six hour ride later, and we finally reached our destination. Home sweet home. I was exhausted from the trip, but I pressed on to help take some of my lighter boxes inside. Going through them would be excruciatingly painful, so I left them for another day. They showed me where everything was again, and I proceeded to get a shower. The long trip, coupled with all the crying, I was in a lot of pain. I stepped in the shower, and let the water run over my head. It was very hot, but I cared not. I cried my eyes out, uncaring who heard me. I sank and fell in the shower stall, rocking myself back and forth as I cried.

So much sorrow filled me. So much agony, it is almost impossible to describe. As I rocked, my brain flooded me with all the good memories of me and her. How I proposed, how we got married, our first apartment together. It also reminded me how I looked at her, into those big eyes of her, and would do anything she asked. I saw her smile, her embrace as she would hug me while I showered. All these memories, fueling the tears that streamed down my face. The water proceeded to get cold, and I cared not. I just sat there, rocking back and forth, uncaring about anything.

I finally stood up, and shut off the now freezing water. I dried, as best I could, and stumbled into the wall, knocking over a picture. I carefully moved to the toilet and sat down, and finished drying, and then put on my night time clothes. I stumbled to the door, and leaned on it as I hung the picture back up. Finally, I left the bathroom, and laid in a foreign bed. It was my mother's bed, but she gave it to me to sleep in. It was very comfortable, but sadly there would be no sleep gotten this night. I laid awake, staring out the sliding glass door, wishing and praying for this to end. Sadly, it never did.

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So you are probably wondering why I decided to share all of this with you, on Mother's day no less. I decided to share this to remind myself of what my life was like one year ago. I also decided to share this, as a way, even if it is a little odd, to say thank you to everyone. I can look back upon this day, and not shed a tear anymore. There is a little sadness, but that sadness is more of what I felt then, and how I pitied myself. I can look back to this day, one year ago, and see the helpless person that I was. The person, who was forbidden to live his life. The person, that was made to feel worthless, helpless, and above all, useless.

To look back to this day, and see where I was, and to see me now, it is as if a total transformation has happened to me. I'm no longer helpless. I have plenty of worth, and feel worthy of myself. I feel like I am who I'm supposed to be, and I love who I am, and am becoming. And, above all else, the last year has shown me, that I'm not useless, far from it. I'm capable of a lot of things, capable of caring for myself, capable of providing help and aid to others, and am capable of loving myself and others. Like many have said to me, that it would get better, and that I would be stronger. I wish I would of believed you sooner, but it was your encouragement that helped me get to where I am now.

Back then, I was unable to see what all of you saw in me. All I could see was an empty, devoid person, broken and wrangled inside and out, who had this notion that I couldn't even care for myself without her help. Over time though, all of you, in your own special way, have shown me how wrong I was in this belief, and how capable I really am. I wouldn't have been able to do this alone. Honestly, I doubt I would even be alive at this point had it not been for the guiding words of my mother.

She is by far the most important person to me, and I am honestly ashamed to admit that for 10 years prior to this day, I treated her horribly. I let the influence of one person, one person I thought I truly loved, destroy any semblance of hope for a relationship with my mother. If for no other reason, and trust me there are plenty, I'm so thankful that this day one year ago occurred. Without this day, I would have never been able to repair all the damage I had done. So to you Mom, I love and care for you so much, and I'm so glad that you are here with me. Happy Mother's day, and I promise next year won't be so dramatic.

I would of also never been able to repair all the damage I've done to all of you, my friends. While some of you I have screwed things up again on, most of you, I have a far better connection then I ever did prior to this day. No longer do I have to make excuses to you, to keep you away. No longer do I have to be sneaky just to have a fun day with you all. And most importantly, no longer am I told I can't be friends with you. I get to choose now, my actions, my decisions, and I love it. I love being able to enjoy life with all of you, sharing in your lives, and being apart of your worlds.

I am so thankful, for all of you, and for this day one year ago. I'm glad to be who I want to be again. I'm glad that I can be myself, and enjoy life as it was intended to be enjoyed. I'm no longer isolated, or punished, or scolded like a child. No longer insulted, talked down to, for being sick, and unable some days. It is truly a comfort to know, that if I was to be really sick again, I would have all of you to rely on. Thankfully, those days are so rare now, that they only happen a couple times a month, instead of every other day.

So, from the bottom of my heart, I want to say thank you. Without you all in my life, whether currently or in the previous year, I wouldn't of turned out to be the man I am today. I owe you all so much, and hope that over time, I can be there for you, like you have me. If there is ever anything I can do, all you have to do is ask. Have a wonderful Mother's Day everyone, and may the next year be even more joyous then the last.