her texts are for show, she'll use them to justify why you are a "bad guy", great mother that she is

i wish i could get to where you are. someday? at least i guess it must be easier when you hate them more than love them.

Hi oh1363,

Not sure if you know my story but I found out about four weeks ago that stbx has been cheating on me for at least two years (after 19 years together, since college). And there are at least 5 guys that I know for sure, or very strongly suspect, were involved. And those are just the ones I know.

I also know how I have been treated these last 2+ years. I also know I have been used for the childcare and other house/chore stuff I have been doing (while working my own full time job).

I also know how she dragged me through two agonizing months of marriage counseling after I had finally realized that we were in big trouble, all the while cheating and not investing herself at all (while I made myself vulnerable and did what I could to salvage the marriage).

After enough of this, I cannot do much more than paint her as an evil, selfish, narcissistic piece of shit who was perfectly content to use and shit all over me, and destroy our family, so that she can whore herself out as much as possible. Yes, there is residual love because all this pain and revelation is fresh and new. But I am blocking it as much as possible - and seeing a lot of the past in new light.

And being in her presence is hard because she acted "normal" at home in my presence, just like her old self. But she is not remotely her old self. She is some broken, disgusting thing now; who is an accomplished actor/liar and is able to pretend to be her old self.

So NOT being in her presence takes that "acting" out of the picture. And I can focus on all she has done. And yes, the hatred and loathing and disgust. Right now that is the healthy response. Later I hope to reach indifference.

If you have been treated really poorly, it may just be the right thing to latch onto all of the bad about your ex/stbx and recognize the reasons to despise them. Do NOT put a piece of shit human being on a pedestal.

I am generally a quiet, get-along type of guy. But when backed into a corner I will fight intensively. She has pushed me into that corner and she is going to get a fight in all areas - she will see extreme "no contact", she will never get a smile or friendliness from me, she will get the full brunt of my financial savvy throughout this divorce process.

one week behind you.. moving forward :) I can imagine with all this back and forth bickering that a parenting plan is rough.. my ex is allowed to call 3 times a week, and if my kids want to call him they are always told yes.. (same if they are with him/for me), I hope you've addressed this a bit in your parenting plan, you need to schedule SET times to call if calls are going to happen.. you are Divorcing.. which means you have a right to a LIFE without interuption or on her whim.. setting a day like wednesday night at 6pm, or giving you a txt in the AM simply stating, 'I'd like to talk with our daughter tonight, would 6 work?'.. giving NOTICE.. your allowed that.. something to think about..

also the constant txting all day has got to go too.. try to limit those if you can..

Let me offer a "slightly" different suggestion: Rather than leaving it up to your daughter, why not take more of a proactive approach? Like, "Okay, it's time for you to Facetime with Mommy." In spite of the differences between you and your stbx, it is important for your daughter to be able to form and maintain a healthy relationship with her. And, strictly for your daughter's sake, I think you should try to foster that healthy relationship as best you can.

My stbx and I do this. (Now, full disclosure, my stbx and I get along pretty well, and we do a great job of co-parenting). My girls are too young to really make that decision on their own.

Hi mynewnormal,

The constant texting is my wife - and not to me. She has basically been a 39-year-old teenager for the last couple of years - addicted to facebook and texting all day long. I now know it was almost surely her secret affair partners that she was texting all the time. Anyway, my point to her was that you text constantly all day but you did not bother to text me about seeing our daughter - then she blames me for somehow keeping her away?? Anyway I texted her maybe 3 times over the last week, and only about our daughter and logistics regarding her.

Mr Cellophane - your advice makes sense. Have a set time for them to communicate and do it every day. This was the first week. And I was kind of interested in seeing how much of an effort stbx would make, since I think she's a fairly crappy mom and currently so self-absorbed that I would not be surprised if she just forgot about the mid-5-day visitation option she had until late evening when it was too late. I didn't want to "help" her in any way. But you're right, it is probably best to just set a time and do it the same way every night.

I'm not necessarily recommending a Set-In-Stone time every night. I don't see any reason why it can't be slightly more fluid. I guess I am suggesting that, the impression you want to give your daughter is, "Mommy loves you, and it will make her happy if you call her/Facetime with her. And it's okay with me if you make Mommy happy. I WANT you to have a good relationship with your mother. As far as I'm concerned, you will never have to 'take sides' between us."

So, maybe "The Time" is just before your daughter goes to bed. "Okay, let's brush our teeth, and then we will call Mommy. Then we can read a book, and then it's lights out!" And maybe Mommy will be out at a bar, and can't talk right then - but she will know that you (and your daughter) TRIED to call her. And (fingers crossed) she'll be in a better place the next night when the phone call comes.

My parents divorced when I was very young. And not once, in my entire life, has either one of them "bashed" the other one. Not a cross word, ever. My father always made sure that I had a Christmas present for my mother, and my mother did the same. Last week, I took my mother to lunch and she said "Tomorrow is your father's birthday. Remember to call him." My parents have been divorced 40+ years. They haven't talked since my wedding 11 years ago. So that's my blueprint for how I want to raise my kids in the face of divorce.

Sounds like you've done a great job this week!
I know it may not feel like it at times, but the steps you've already taken show that you are stronger than you know! Many people spend so much time wallowing over what "should have been," rather than to be proactive and address the situation for what it currently is. Kudos to you on that. You will definitely be able to heal much more quickly and efficiently not having to be in each others' day-to-day lives.

I'm not sure how old your daughter is, but from working with children for over 13 years (I'm a Peds RN), I can tell you that children are far more intuitive than most adults realize. So, it's definitely possible that your daughter is picking up on some of mommy's current behaviors, and smart enough to know if it makes her uncomfortable. It's hard for children to see the 'stable' adult-figure in their lives behaving irresponsibly, it makes them feel uncomfortable.

However, yes you do want to make sure she knows you want her to talk to mommy whenever she wants, that you dont want her to choose sides. But, that being said, I am a strong believer in letting kids set some of their own boundaries. If she doesn't want to talk to her, the issue should not be pressed. It's a delicate balance, and it takes everyone time to fine-tune what works for them. But, it sounds like you genuinely have your daughter's best interests in mind, so I think you will do great in finding this balance.

I will say too, your ex is trying to manipulate you and test your boundaries. She is an adult. She can contact you to make arrangements, I dont think the burden should fall on you. My stbxh is a real self-centered piece of work, but I won't derail your post going into all my own drama. All I will say is that for over a year, if my mom didn't contact him to see if he wanted to see our son (just 2 y/o now) for the 1 hour a week visitation he gets, then he'd often just forget. He'd be too drunk or out chasing too many sluts to remember to see his own son. So, I definitely know that side of it. Again, as long as she knows that you want her to see mommy, I think it's ok to let her give input as to whether she wants to reach out to mommy or not.

Anyway, sorry for such a long post, sounds like you are doing very well for your first week, stay strong, be gentle with yourself, and remember to take time to do something that makes you happy.
(((HUGS)))

Thanks happymama2j. I was feeling pretty good on Sunday about having that week be in the past and starting to adjust to my somewhat difficult temporary quarters at my parents' house.

The last two days have been rougher. I've just been irritable and I think some of it is the living situation (and the anger over the fact that stbx is in our damn house while I am dealing with this!). Some of it is that my daughter has been difficult - I think the living situation is grating on her as well. And some of it is that I guess I've been dwelling too much on stbx and the whole situation. A mix of anger and still some shock - as I review some of the events of the past year+, I keep coming back to "I can't f##king believe this!" I can't believe she did this, or that. I can't believe how she is acting right now. How did I end up here?

My daughter is 8. I am going to continue to make sure she feels comfortable contacting her mom. In fact, last night I suggested she do so around 8:00 before we got ready for bed. That's about the most I can offer regarding stbx, however. I'm sure my daughter will read some of my anger for stbx in my face or mannerisms at some point. I just can't mask it, nor do I really want to - I am not the oscar-winning actor that stbx is.

Yes, I think stbx probably is trying to manipulate me, and push my buttons. Or possibly she is so messed up and self-absorbed right now that she really did forget about visitation and then tried to blame it on me. I sent her a financial proposal and her response is pretty jumbled and messed up as well. And I know she is getting input from at least her dad (accountant), if not also a lawyer. I'm surprised at how incoherent her response is. And she keeps threatening litigation, yet I feel pretty confident going into litigation so it's an empty threat. I am planning to tear her apart in any way I can.

Speaking of messing with me, she is allegedly staying in the guest room right now but I have noticed the way the master bed is made seems slightly different today than yesterday. I wonder if she is having sex on the bed (which will end up being mine) to spite me. I would not put it past her at all, which is about all I need to know to convince myself that I will be better off without the toxic bitch.

Her 5-day custody period starts Wednesday and I have already told stbx I want to take daughter to dinner on Friday (using my mid-period visitation). I think things will calm a bit for me again during my "off" time - I just need to plan out a couple activities to keep me busy and keep me from obsessively reading forums like this :).

9 days now, no visual contact. In today's workout, I'm going to do some serious damage to the heavy bag in the basement :).