Today marks one month since our separation. Everyone says I'm dealing with our upcoming divorce so well, that I am so strong, that "if it were me I wouldn't have even gotten out of bed! Id check my self into a psych  ward!! How are you still going to work and being normal?!" What do I say? I don't have a choice, life doesn't stop just because my work got turned upside down.

I have some okay days, some almost good days. But I still have bad days. More than the bad "days" I have the bad moments. When I'll be at work or talking to someone or even food shopping. A thought, memory, or a realization of the situation happens and I am overcome with sadness to the point that all I want to do is cry. Today I realized, in one month I've seen my husband for all of 10 minutes, I've heard his voice for maybe 30, and most of those conversations were not warm and fuzzy.

I have had time to think about our relationship and I know that it is for the best. That we, despite how much I love him, are very different, and he is not good for me. I have felt very very sad and emotionally broken down for months in our marriage. His lack of empathy, respect, and love turned me into a crazed sad person that was not only someone others didn't want to be around, I didn't want to be around. In one of the last arguments we had, he said " I don't even know what makes you happy anymore. You used to be such a happy bubbly person. Now you are miserable." It was one of the hardest things to hear, because it was true. I was happy, almost annoyingly happy, and it was though our relationship took every ounce of it away. I was in a very one sided marriage, and it broke me. But, the hardest part of hearing that from my husband was, I couldn't answer the question for myself of what made me happy anymore. I spent so much time and energy trying to fit to his life, to get attention and love from him any way possible that I completely lost myself.

Now I will not sit here and say I did nothing wrong. To say that would be lying to myself and doing more harm that good. I know I was moody, jealous, nagging, at times mean from lashing out. I'm sure there is so much more, but I will not know because he does not want to go to therapy, he does not want to talk to me. I guess that's one of the hardest parts, I want him to know the hurt he caused, leading up for months before the separation. The lying, the late nights, the shady behavior, the coming home hammered at 3 in the morning, not even so much is giving me a hug or kiss for a month at a time. Then the disrespect, the not helping, the continuous spending of obscene amounts of money that we would almost always be late on bills that I had to always figure out how to pay because he didn't think it was a big deal,  the charging up thousands of dollars on my credit cards. But what good what any of it do? Nothing. It won't change any of it. He says he wanted the divorce for the reasons he gave, that it's not another woman, and I am sure they are lies, but once again, why does it matter?

 I know it is time to focus on myself, to put myself first and figure out what makes me happy. I am seeing a therapist. I am going to Pilates to get myself back in to shape after letting myself go through all of this. I am reading self improvement books and thinking to go back to school, or get my real estate, or any certification that might help me better myself. I am truly doing anything I can think of to try and feel better. 

So why after knowing all of this, do I still miss him, do I still love him. It is like my mind and my heart are at war. My mind keeps me sane while my heart is still broken.  It is so hard knowing he is doing just fine, and possibly better without me in his life. Why does it hurt that I have not heard from him (even though I told him not to contact me at all.)That he no longer cares about someone he called his wife, his best friend. Why do I find I still cry by myself at night before I go to bed. I know it is a process I do, and I so greatly appreciate everyone's kind words and advice. I just hope that my grieving heart finds comfort soon. Until then, I will continue to do my best to heal.