Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
The mornings are always the hardest for me. I wake up crying.
I saw him yesterday which has really weakened my resolve. It has confused me. He acted as if we were still a couple, and worryingly, I let him. I let him hold my hand as we walked down the street, I let him take me to lunch and be nice to me. I let him hug me and kiss me goodbye. He told me he loved me. This messed with my head. aNd again I am left a bit of a mess, thinking if he loved me he wouldnt have treated me so badly all those years or let me leave in the first place. When I first left he didnt try and get me to come back. So doesnt that mean he didnt love me, he just let me go, which I was glad of at the time ( three weeks ago now) but now I feel abandoned and scared about how I will cope.
I have made plans for the future in my new city but I feel I really want to just run back to him and my old life. How can I have forgotten how bad it was already?!
I have been reading over my old posts on here and I can feel my pain. Some of it was his abuse, some of it was that I was CoDependant. I spent a long time working on myself to get strong enough to leave and now I am feeling like this.... I know I cant go back but I really want to. How do I manage that? Any advice or help with coping would be great right now. x
I saw him yesterday, we went round the house telling him which furniture I wanted to take. I will need to go back again before moving date though to junk some stuff.
It felt weird, mixed, but I coped okay.
Your thoughts and comments have helped me a lot to get clarity and put all this into perspective.
I asked him for some more funds to help me get through the month yesterday as he wants me to go back to the house a few times…a four hour round trip.
Yesterday he said I will send you over a few hundred to keep you going. Today eventually he sent me £100. I am grateful for that but feel like something has changed…..oh yeh I signed the bloody shares over to him in return for the employers reference. HA!
You gave him what he wanted.
He was trying to "keep you sweet" as well.
I hope things work out for you, but now that he has what he wanted, I wouldn't rely too heavily on his good will.
I was actually battling a nasty case of the doubts last night and went through my journal in search of reasoning. I didn't know what I was looking for. Happy moments to hold onto or painful ones to help me keep walking forward. I can tell you, I didn't find a lot of happy moments. I found a lot of scared moments—times of frustration and struggle. Then it all started to come back to me. Although there was such love, co-dependent love, there was so much agony. I too had a fairly easy life with him. He gave me space to what I wanted, helped with house chores, and for the most part complimented my odd sense of humor and life interests. However, the verbal abuse and controlling/belittlement underlined most of our relationship. I spent more energy trying to do everything to his liking so he would have no reason to explode or get aggravated. I walked on eggshells and in fear of his temperament. Somehow I found a peace in this. But, reflecting on it, OMG, why did I allow it to go on as long it did?! Oh, and let's not forget he completely cut intimacy out of our relationship. The last year was not only stressful, heartbreaking, and anxiety-ridden, it was also incredibly lonely.
I tell you my tale so you understand you're not alone. I used to think when I was a teen that the older I grew, the easier, more mature my relationships would be. Funny, it's almost the opposite.
Hope you're standing your ground today as you have to see him again. Keep reminding yourself your happiness is worth it—YOU are worth it. You don't need him or any man to make you happy—and you damn sure don't need one making you feel worthless. Hang in there. Hugs.
RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SHOULD NOT BOTHER YOU ANYMORE, I CAN LEAD YOU TO THE WAY TO A BETTER RELATIONSHIP, EMAIL ME ON SERENAWILLIAMSUK@GMAIL.COM, I CAN HELP YOU TO MAKE SURE YOU HAVE A SUCCESSFUL AND SWEET MARRIAGE OR RELATIONSHIP EVEN IF YOUR LOVER IS NO LONGER WITH YOU.
SERENA WILLIAMS
I had a bit of a melt down last night as HE hadn't answered a query I had about the new house I am trying to rent. He didn't answer my calls or texts or email. I know NC is the way to go but I needed my tax documents and as he is my employer I had to get them from him. I felt he was playing me…two days no response is unprofessional and rude! I was about to go straight to the lawyers and let them deal with him when he replied saying he had 'misplaced' his mobile…..
After discussions with my daughter we have been talking about my naive attitude and lack of cynicism. My initial response was that something must have happened, was he ill? DId someone die? I realise this is a very simplistic and trusting attitude and probably the main reason why I am in this position and been abused in the first place. So thats Co-Dependancy I think, this I need to work on so I don't get abused again.
Thank you everyone for your kindness. x
You are not allowing yourself to see this person/situation for what it is.
I suspect when you're ready you'll begin to take the blinders off.
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
Anaïs Nin
Where does that come from - my Co-D or the result of the abuse?
Do you mean in denial about the man I married.? Yes probably. I am still at the point where I struggle to remember the bad times, is that part of what you mean? I have to read old posts on DS to remind myself! I think also I normalised the behaviours.
You seem surprised that he didn't return your calls.
If you go back a few replies, most if not all of us saw that coming. He got what he wanted from you. He does not care. Until he wants something else that is.
You need to build your self esteem and stop allowing this guy to use you. You have to stop playing his game, stop needing him for a reference or anything else, stop contact with him completely.
He's a user. If he calls you because he wants something, not because he's cares.
You need some counseling to help build your self esteem so you don't keep falling into these traps.
People to help you with the transitioning. It takes
Time to get deprogramed from your abuser. Take
It slow and easy seek their live guidance and support
And utilize all they have to offfer you in the from of help.
It takes awhile to get stabilized and make rational
Decisions with the abuser still involved. I feel for you
this Is going to be a long hard journey even with all
your live support in place. Go to your CODA meetings.
Listen to the professionals right now otherwise you
Are just going to do the "Codie- narcisstic dance"
There are plenty of other bad guys out There too if you
just move on and start dating again without doing the
hard inner work.
Youtube has lots of good free videos on narcisstic
And codependents. HUGS