Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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LookPastTheHurt 10/09/2016

Life and all we know is impermanent. This is just a fact, not a negative or depressing thought. People and things come and go. My story is no different than yours. I have been married for 20 years and have know my wife for 22 years. The last few years I could feel her pulling away from me emotionally and physically. Many times I sat down with her to talk about the disconnect I felt. She really didn't have much to say. Last November, she shared that she was not happy and didn't know if she wanted to spend the remaining years of her life with me. Although I knew there was something wrong, my feelings never wavered. I was/am so in love with her.

She sought counseling on a weekly basis for the last year. Last month, she told me that she was basically in the same place as she was when she started therapy. She was hoping for something to change, but nothing had. On a side note, all physical contact ended about six months ago. She told me she needed to have time alone (we have a daughter that still is in the house) and she wanted a divorce. I don't have to explain the pain, those of you that still had feelings and hope for your partner know exactly what I mean. My biggest emotional obstacle I have is that I was never a part of the process or closure. No couples or marriage therapy, just a decision by her. I have no idea what the outcome may have been. I just feel she quit without taking all opportunities available. We still might have ended our marriage, however, it would have been a mutual understanding. Leaving both of us to begin the healing process.

My daughter graduates HS next June. We will be telling her in the next month.

Is there any human being that can actually stand by their commitment? Or at least be able to share the true feelings they have before they just quit? I'm not sure. We all are so flawed. No fault or blame. Would I blame a blind person for no seeing? My wife is lost in the contents of her mind and her projections of the future. She is as flawed as the rest of us.

People say that there will be someone else out there for me in the future. It will take much effort to put my heart in someone's hand again. Thanks for listening.

thiscantbeit 10/09/2016

Thank you. I pray the same for you.

trueblue 10/09/2016

I know many couples who have stayed together for the long haul and made it work, but the other 50% of us are living the statistic, unfortunately. It sounds like the best you can do at this point is continue going to therapy, etc., and start proactively imagining what your relationship with your STBX will look like after you're not living together anymore. Since you have a child together, you will still see each other for important life events, celebrations, etc., and for that reason, it's necessary to move forward amicably. How do you do you plan to tell your daughter about the divorce? Does she see it coming? What are your ideas for supporting her during the emotional transition that she is bound to go through?

LookPastTheHurt 10/09/2016

Great questions. My daughter suffers from depression. She has been in continuing therapy for 8 years. She has a great relationship with her therapist. We met with her and she asked the same question about her having any idea. It is unsure. My wife and i are meetting with her again in a week or so to discuss and role play the session when we tell our daughter. My wife and i are on the same page when it comes to our daughter. We respect each others input and know that when we make decisions as a family, the outcome is always better.

Jmit129 10/09/2016

You sound like a wonderful husband. It's encouraging to hear there are still good men in this world. I've just recently been tossed from my 2.5 year relationship with a live in BF who lacked so much respect for me. I pray a miracle happens in your marriage. Thiscantbeit is right, God is in control and a good person like you deserves the best. Change is so hard to deal with, especially when you're losing the one you'd lean on during a major life change. I hope you find some comfort soon.

LookPastTheHurt 10/10/2016

Some days are better than others. I have always worn my heart on my sleeve. I find myself crying at times with no trigger. I was playing hockey with friends last week and during the warmup, I almost lost it. I had to skate away from all the players.

One thing that I read so much on theses threads is that you (me) can't "make" someone love you. I find that so true. I truly want (eventually) to have a partner that have the ability to address issues. We are all flawed. I blame no one. If my wife, even if she was "faking it", had suggest to go to therapy and followed through, I believe I would feel like at least we both gave it our best shot. Making the separation and telling my daughter much easier.

The other difficulty for me are so many life changes at once:
1. Divorce in June
2. Daughter going off to college (a good thing, but still a major life change)
3. Selling our home we built in 2013. We spent 2 years planning and making it just what we wanted.
4. Living on my own with no best friend or confidant that knows everything about be.

Thanks for the message of hope.

Jmit129 10/10/2016

I personally struggle with change, and losing your life partner amongst the changes seems unbearable. I wish I had something more to say. I wish divorce wasn't so prevalent in our society today. Pray for a miracle, or strength for the best outcome. Either way it will certainly happen.

kbbcoop77 10/10/2016

I was better able to heal AFTER she left and we didn't live together anymore. I wouldn't recommend living tigers if you don't have to.
And as far as depression and anxiety my daughter also had that (17 at the time 2 years ago) but now she's much better, probably a result of not having so much stress in the house with a cheating mother. She still lives with me and is doing fantastic.

kbbcoop77 10/10/2016

Living together not tigers lol

LookPastTheHurt 10/10/2016

I am actually not sure if my daughter even has a clue. Not a lot of arguments in our relationship, no infidelity, and we are financially ok. Either way it will be devastating. I have ok times during the day when I am busy, it's at night after dinner that my mind go crazy. Why is it so difficult to let go? I have made my identity so much of part of our relationship. I don't know who I am without her. Pretty pathetic. I too suffer from major depression since I was diagnosed 30 years ago. This is the first I ever I'm not sure if all the "tools" I use to keep me stable will work. I called my psychiatrist and will take to her in the morning. Not sure what the answer will be. I have tried so many antidepressants that either don't work or have horrible side effects. At this point, I would put up with some side effects to relieve this unbearable feeling.

I totally agree about living together. I can't even start the process of recovery from this broken marriage until I am on my own. I can't move out. It would be a bad move financially and I would not see my daughter every day. She is gone in 8 months to college so I take every opportunity to be near her.
Thanks for the encouragement.

kbbcoop77 10/10/2016

How would you react if there was in fact someone else? After 24 years together I never imagined it but lo and behold about 5-6 months after she left the truth came out ...and all the pieces fell into place...I'm not saying your wife is cheating BUT they usually pull this when they have their sites on someone else. I've been on this site and a few others and did A LOT of research after my split and inevitably this is the cause. ..I trusted her 1000%...we never lied to each other or we wouldn't have lasted so long...but she did start lying. It was hell but it drove the final nail in any hope I had for reconciliation

LookPastTheHurt 10/11/2016

Anything is possible in this life. She might not be having sex with someone, but as you know, people can cheat emotional with another without intimate contact. This well might be the case. Giving her "the grass is greener" thought process. Wde know each other's schedule so well that I could never see a window for it. I feel she is already thinking about it though. The other factor that leads to believe she is not having a sexual affair is that she plan on moving 2500 miles away as soon as my daughter graduates in June. She want to live in the vicinity of the University she attends, all are in the same state, but 7-8 hours from each other.

She changed all her password on her phone and ipad and seems to be on it a lot. I would not be surprised if she is in contact with an old flame or friend that she has grandeur thoughts of. Regardless, I know it will hurt if/when it happens. The thing I know now is she has expressed that she no longer loves me. This is my pain comes from. It is more about our history, the life we built, and our family. If she said everything could go back to the way it was, with no changes, I would most likely divorce. I am not sure if I will ever trust someone fully. I might meet someone in the future that seems great, but I will always have in the back of my mind that committment, 22 years, and a promise mean nothing to some. We live in an instantaneous gratification society. Very few are willing to do the actual WORK it requires to have, nurture, and sustain a long and loving relationship.

mirandac 10/11/2016

I dont know if my ex actually did the deed
Before leaving. He was cheating in his heart
And had checked out of the marriage. He had
Been On the prowl and looking. He found what
he Was looking for and they had been friends
For awhile before he asked for a divorce. HUGS

LookPastTheHurt 10/11/2016

Does it really matter? I don't think so. I (we) can blame our significant other for infidelity, pulling away, disconnecting, or any other reason. Does that make it better or hurt less? For me, the answer is no. Do I want to carry resentment, anger, or the like for the rest of my life? For me, those have been the things I have learned over my years to let go. I almost don't react anymore when a person is rude, does me wrong, etc. I have learned it is a waste of emotional energy. That being said, the pain I continue to endure may be a consequence of my wife, but it is me who can't let go. It is me who can't visualize my life without her. That is my issue, not hers. I continue to press forward for my daughter and hopefully soon for me.

I am tempted to contact her parents. they love her so much and have made me a part of their family since the first day we met. I feel her father will have the biggest reaction when he finds out that she just wants to bail, and not give intensive couples therapy a go. Like I said earlier, does it really matter? She doesn't love me. If there was ever hope for us it will be when she is on her own to see if that is what she really wants. It's easy to say what you don't want. When a spouse is not happy and confused, the grass always looks greener. Even through this pain, I wish her happiness.

mirandac 10/11/2016

You sure think a lot different than i do And i
am spiritual just not truly as forgiving i guess
And i Still am having a hard time really letting
go and Getting him out of my heart. He is lodged
in There deep and it hurts and i am still mad.
HUGS

LookPastTheHurt 10/11/2016

I look at my wife no differently than a person with mental illness. Would someone in their "right" mind intentionally hurt the person who once was their partner for life? I think not. She is ill and I have compassion for her as if she was stricken with a life threatening illness. An illness that only she holds the cure.

I still grieve the upcoming loss. Pain, uncontrollable crying, waves of sadness. When I am tired of the pain, or can truly surrender to what is, I will be at peace Not happy, but at peace. My analogy, although simple, it like me wishing for the sun to not rise tomorrow. It will, regardless of my thoughts or wishes. When I can face the end of my marriage and let go, I will be at peace. I pray the day is soon. I can understand why people who can not overcome this agony take their own lives.

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