Sorry you are experiencing an emotional roller coaster. In order to move to a healthier state, you need to process the emotions and thoughts inherent in a break up. The more you focus on him, the more it hurts. I suggest that maybe you ought to focus on you and continue thinking that you deserve more. Yes you do. He is not worthy of you if he tells you that he is not emotionally available there is nothing you could have done differently. To me, it's a red flag when a man tells you that he is not emotionally available. He may never be to you or anyone who follows. Read my profile. I had a similar situation.

Hugs to you.

I am on the ride with you. And it's not a fun roller coaster! I want my divorce, but there is this really big empty space that she left in me. How do I fill it? And just like you I miss her companionship one day and am angry with her the next. Yeah, you and I deserve better, but we still have to deal with the broken heart they left behind. And broken hearts don't seem to mend easily. It takes a lot of work. But I am determined to come out of this a healthier person! And you will too. Hang in there!

In addition to what Aries said, there are psychological reasons why you still think about him. Its called bonding. The longer the time together, the more emotionally & psychologically bonded we become to the other person.

One of the most common examples is Stockholm Syndrome. It's about the captive bonding to the captor. It sounds counter intuitive, but it happens all the time. Another type of bonding that happens is trauma bonding. That happens when we are with abusers, addicts and/or personality-disordered people.

But, it also happens when we are with a 'normal' person (whatever that means, lol) for a period of time. We become physically, emotionally, mentally and even spiritually bonded.

Bonding happens in the brain. I don't understand all of the ways & whys, etc. it happens. I can only say that's what I have been taught.

I went thru what you are going thru. It sucks. I liken it to going thru withdrawals. It felt like I had no control over my own feelings because he would just pop into my head out of the blue. It's been 8 yrs since the divorce and it still happens, but not as much and I am now able to face it and use one of many tools to deal with it and go on.

It's important to honor and allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling without judgment. It's part of the grieving process. Even when we leave an abuser, we still experience grief.

Back and forth emotions like you are experiencing are normal too. The grief process isn't linear. We may skip or repeat stages of denial, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance . We may even go thru more than one state at a time. The longer we are with someone, the longer it takes to move thru the grief.

Focusing on you and your feelings is critical to moving thru the grief and on to healing. I found it takes a multi-faceted approach. One thing alone won't get it . Here are a few things that helped me.

1. Writing good bye letters - Pour your heart out. Tell him/her what you will and will NOT miss about him/her. Then BURN it, rip it to shreds & bury it. NEVER EVER give it to him/her. It helps to create a funeral like ceremony around it. You may have to do this many times.

2. Meditate or pray (or both) - even if its just a few minutes a day

3. Make gratitude a daily practice - (this changed my whole outlook) Keep a daily gratitude diary. This is so when you can't think of anything to be grateful for, you can remind yourself. Anthony DeMello, in his book, The Way to Love, says we are unhappy because we focus on what we don't have instead of being grateful for what we do have.

4. #3 brings me to What we focus on expands. So focus on the positives in your life as much as you can. For example, when my ex pops into my head, even after all this time, if I focus on all the stuff he did, I can still get mad. But, I can't hold two opposing thoughts in my brain at the same time. So I do my best to turn those negatives around and find something to be grateful for, like w/o him I would have my beautiful grown up children.

5. Listen to uplifting/soothing music.

6. Listen to guided imagery - for relaxation, healing, meditating, etc. There's a bunch of good stuff for free on youtube and other websites. Just google guided imagery.

7. Do something you enjoy like a hobby.

8. Eat well, get enough sleep, get together with friends.

9. Know that healing is a process that isn't linear and that when you look back you will see that you are better off than you were a while ago. It's not usually very noticeable at first, but one day you'll wake up and think, omg, I didn't think about him/her once yesterday. :-)

~healing hugs~

I'm trying to do everything I can to focus on me I do write down how I feel - it does helps. I still hang out with my friends and go to the gym, haven't abandoned my life even though their are days that are better than others.
You guys are right broken hearts don't mend easily ...boo!!!!
Hate feeling like this - stuck in this limbo.

mytrue - thanks for the thought you put into your reply. It's all very true. I've done the letter but your other advice is also very good.

Playerapr - I know exactly how you feel. I'm doing all that stuff too. But it just occupies my time and I just feel like i'm going through the motions. It sucks! Like you, I look forward to the time when it doesn't occupy my thoughts all the time. Stuck with you!

A few days ago, a friend, with the best of intentions, said to me "You are cute! You will have tons of dates!". I just started sobbing. Who will want to date a 39 yo divorced mother of 2? I am afraid it will have to be someone even more dysfunctional than my STBX... I didn't like dating back in my young happy years, I dread doing it again.

My psychiatrist says it's my mind playing tricks on me. But the word "dating" makes me cringe.

I just want to say "me too" for everything everyone has said. I am just over a year out and, while the roller coaster is a bit milder, it is still there. The thought of dating makes me panic.

But, it is getting better and I can see it will continue to get better.

Everything you said in your post is exactly how I'm feeling too, word for word. I have moments when I'm so angry I could cry. It's tough when I'm at work and I have to keep it in and try to be strong.

What helps me is reminding myself that I only have to get through today. Little goals. Sometimes it feels overwhelming and even hopeless to focus on the "someday" when you'll feel better, so I try to focus on today.