Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Hello - I was recently left by my partner of 2 years. We had a great relationship until around May of this year when I started noticing things that were concerning. He completely stopped any form of affection or intimacy and started blowing up at me about random things. He became extremely indifferent to me - to the point where I felt like a piece of furniture in my own home. I repeatedly tried to communicate what I needed and I was outright ignored. He stopped telling me he loved me randomly and when I told him that I loved him, he replied with complete disinterest that he loved me too - almost like he was put out by having to tell me he loved me.
Last Friday, he blew up at me because I told him to try restarting the internet router to fix a 5G problem he was having. I left the apartment to spend time with friends and remove myself from the situation and didn't return until late at night. When I came home, I told him that I had scheduled couples therapy because there was something desperately wrong within our relationship and I couldn't understand what was happening. He reacted viscerally to my request and told me that it was over and he would be moving out the next day.
Come to find out, he didn't have a place to go, so he stayed at my apartment until I asked him when he was leaving. I begged him to talk to me about what was going on and he refused, saying that we weren't meant to be together and that's that. Just a few months prior, we were making plans to move into a larger space and get engaged. He moved out the following Monday, and by Tuesday was asking me about working through it with therapy and telling me he didn't want to leave, he wanted to stay and work it out - a chance I gave him over and over again over the weekend that was shut down again and again. Now he is back to wanting nothing to do with me - and has told me to stop texting him and leave him alone.
I am really at a loss for what to do. I am 35, and I feel like my whole world has been upended. My apartment is both too big and too small and the silence and emptiness he left is deafening. I cannot understand how someone can be with someone for years and then all of a sudden wake up one day and decide they no longer want to be with them anymore. Our relationship was not a bad relationship other than the fact that he was inconsiderate and immature - both things that could have been addressed in couples counseling. Any sort of constructive and supportive advise would be greatly appreciated. The silence is too loud and I am in an incredible amount of pain.
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I haven't written in my diary on my computer since May because I thought that my computer was dying. I got away from writing but my computer is hanging in there. I think that I will start writing in it again. It's so therapeutic.
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Years ago, I won a mirrored armoire from my job. It's in my bedroom but I rarely stand in front of it. Yesterday, I had to have a dexascan done so I had to change into a gown. There was a full length mirror in the changing room. I'm aware that I gained 5 to 7 pounds over the last year from cheating on Keto but I didn't know what it looked like. It was a reality check.
You wrote - "Our relationship was not a bad relationship other than the fact that he was inconsiderate and immature - both things that could have been addressed in couples counseling."
Problem is, he IS inconsiderate and immature, that is just how he is and always has been. And unfortunately No, couples counseling would not have fixed that about him.
The first year or two of a relationship is the time when a partner can "hide" their bad qualities. Now that you have seen his bad sides, would you really want to spend the rest of your life with an immature and inconsiderate, and also mean, partner??
35 years old is so young! You will meet someone else. Someone who is much better suited for you.
You mentioned friends, it would help to talk to your friends about it, vent to them. I would also suggest individual counseling for yourself. You can talk to the therapist about the breakup, and they can help you with ideas to move on with your life.
Also, go on YouTube and type in "break ups" in the search bar. There are SO many GOOD videos that help you to understand what happened, and how to get through it, and all kinds of good stuff that will make you feel a lot better. YouTube videos are 24/7 and completely free. I found them SO helpful when I was going through a breakup.
You are going to be okay. Check out YouTube. Maybe get a therapist. Don't bother talking to him anymore about anything.... he is not receptive to fixing this. The more you try to talk to him, the more he will pull away.
We're here for you!
He wants it and doesn't.
Might or might not have something cooking on the side.
Find things that make you happy.. lean on friends you can trust and don't try and drink it away.
As hard as it is, I would try to go no contact even if he reaches out to you, just so you can focus on yourself, reset a bit. Set some boundaries. Sometimes when we're with someone for a while, we normalize problems and issues without realizing it.. And it's only when things are shaken up a bit that we gain some perspective and clarity. In time you may see that there were bigger problems than you may not have line of sight into right now because you've just been adapting to it for two years. I don't think anything just happens overnight or out of the blue. It's usually a slow burn.
I also think individual counseling could help you work through some of this. Lean on friends and family, keep busy and remember, he's responsible for what he says and he does, not you. You worry about you right now, period.
I suspect you were missing the big clues and the little clues. It is easy to pretend sometimes and I fit into this category myself. I pretended with my now ex-husband for almost 30 years. And then I prayed for wisdom and courage about the marriage and suddenly, all the red flags I had ignored were in my face.
So this dude is inconsiderate and immature and that is what inconsiderate and immature people do. Some people use other people and maybe he fits into that also.
Do not take this personally as about you - that he only acted this way because of something wrong with you. Nope, he is this way, take it seriously and don't get back together with him unless you like immature and inconsiderate and user types. This is his behavior and his personality. He didn't mean anything about the engagement, and there probably would never be a wedding. He liked the status quo, he liked what he had even if he lied a bit and talked engagement.
What happened was you dodged a bullet. And now you can look for other potential partners who truly have a high quality character, are not users, and take responsibility in life, and help others.
Maybe he was never ready for grown up life (immaturity) and doesn't give a flip about other people's feelings (inconsiderate). He is not likely to change but you can work on yourself to create a good new life. Counseling can help, there are tons of good YouTube videos, I like to recommend people watch Dr Ramani and see if the ex fits any of those patterns of behavior she talks about.