Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Hello all.
I've been married for 15 years, have a son who is 9. I can't say I've ever been all that happily married, but it suits both me and my wife. I am, for whatever reason, the absolute love of her life. She has confidence issues, she sees me as her rock and could never contemplate life without me. I love her but haven't felt in love with her for most of my married life. Most of the early fun of our relationship she has picked away at and destroyed. I daren't say a smutty joke to her any more or make a comic but inappropriate comment, even though she would laugh lots at them before we got married. In fact, if anyone else was to say what I do, she'd laugh genuinely, but when I do it, I'm lowering the tone. Most of what I do she finds fault with, even though I hardly ever criticise her for fear of hurting her fragile self-esteem. We do little socially together and spend virtually every evening apart where I let her watch her TV programmes in the bedroom while I do other things. I have little interest in watching TV. Most evenings I'm working on projects as I don't have time during the day when I work. I have grown to enjoy those evenings as my own time. I also work some evenings a week. Sex since our son was born has been virtually non-existent. None of it is my fault, apparently, even though I feel it is. She won't discuss it with me, other than to say she's not interested. I'm 40 and she's 8 years older than me.
About 8 years ago I met a woman, couple of years younger than me, for the first time and fancied her straight away. She is good friends with my wife and they belong to the same organisation. 2 years ago we started chatting and found we had a lot in common. We talked online almost every evening for months, mostly for 2 hours or more. We were in Covid lockdown. She told me she missed seeing me. She is also married. Once lockdown restrictions subsided we saw each other in church every week and met up socially with her husband and a friend or two. She flirted lots with me. I'm not a confident person and wouldn't just ask someone how they feel about me unless I was pretty certain. She kept confiding things in me that I didn't expect.
This year we had agreed on ways on how we could meet up, but when it came to arranging it, there was never a right time. Suddenly the messages stopped. I decided to leave one organisation where I would meet her, just for her reaction. I said we might not see each other again and she was happy with that.
I'm not proud of chasing someone behind my wife's back, but I am in love with her. I have never met anyone like her and know she's the one I want for the rest of my life. I never felt the same when I got married. I never managed to be with anyone I really and deeply fancied but had the occasional relationship with someone who wanted me but I never felt the same way with.
Getting over this is getting harder, not easier. I'm not the easiest to get on with at home, I'm sad and struggling. I can't tell my wife why. She already knows I had feelings for the other woman; I told her a year ago as a way of dismissing the other to concentrate on my own marriage as my wife suspected something. Now I've lost the one woman who has meant so much and I can't tell anyone about it. I'm feeling broken.
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Woke up feeling very emotional and about to clock in at my place of employment. And can't place it all in writing but not been a good experience with my store manager or his boss. Defamation of my character is a concern. I've been losing appetite and weight. Trying to perform at work to keep myself from hospitalization as a result of toxic masculinity.
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This is why I don't go to family functions. I felt very unsupported when I lost my husband in 2020. And my grandmother's 9 living children and hosts of grandchildren turned against me when I was managing my grandma's end of life care as her Power of Attorney. I was the administrator of the grandfather and grandmother's estates (an extremely thankless job that took over two years of my life!) When...
Thanks for your reply. My wife knows who the OW is. That's a conversation that happened over a year ago. My wife had suspicions before I told her, not that I'd done anything with the OW. It was a way for me to try and give our marriage a kick up the behind, but in terms of physical relations, still nothing happens and whenever I question it, I have to accept she won't be the wife I want her to be. Communications are totally closed. Still are.
I notice it's 3 months since my initial post. I haven't spoken to the OW in that time and she's even turned her back on me recently when we met. I'm no closer to getting over things than I was 3 months ago. In the meantime, my wife and I seem to be annoying each other innocently, more than ever.
We've met twice and she's been quick to say hello as we've walked past each other. I sent her a friend request on FB which hasn't been answered. I think things are awkward between us.
Life is a huge struggle. I'm in love with someone who was the most amazing woman I've ever known but doesn't love me back in the same way. She might have done but I think that's gone.
I can't chat about my sadness with my wife or friends for obvious reasons. I hate my life full stop.
It may be little but I don't understand why you can't tell a joke now, I think you try to get out more outside of church, noting its importance to you. Any, its hard to know how much to cater to this anxiety.
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"Sex since our son was born has been virtually non-existent. None of it is my fault, apparently, even though I feel it is. She won't discuss it with me, other than to say she's not interested. I'm 40 and she's 8 years older than me."
No one should have to deal with this. Its wrong and dysfunctional,
Now what to do about it. Candidly, I think the two of you need a good fight and ventilating everyone's frustrations.
Part of negotiation is the right place and time. Find something she likes perhaps a nice Saturday dinner at a place she likes. Then cancel it, maybe the same day. Will she be mad. Sure, that's good. Get some anger out, silent treatment on both sides. Ventilate some anger, and then talk about your sex life in the context of your entire marriage.
So no, she can't say, we got one boss in this marriage on this issue, and we're doing thing my way because that's the way its done. Do you do go to her parents to visit, guess what you're not in the mood for that anymore.
Ideally a ventilation of this problem and realization it jeopardizes the entire marriage is what's needed. And no, you didn't violate your vows, had bad thoughts, that's not good, but bottom line, nothing happens so don't let her change the subject. And to those who say confiding your inner-most thoughts to another woman not your wife is a form of cheating, nope. Like a comedian said. Hey, I'm a nice guy but talking about my wife's problems aint the easiest thing and if some other guy wants to take on part of that job, I got no problem with that. Cheating is going to bed with someone, there's a clear line, you go to bed with someone you don't really like and didn't enjoy it, it's still cheating, see a lady and have bad thoughts, not a good idea, but its not cheating.
And if you can restore some form of sex life, good, and that doesn't mean you do what you want when you want. But it means there's some type of understanding, some affection, and if its 10 minutes every 2 weeks, fine that's a start. And its not the physical aspect that's troublesome, it's that she doesn't care enough about you and the marriage to make a slight compromise, and take 10 or 15 minutes out of the day to do something that would make you happy. And that's very wrong.
Many women say they fake it, but from a man's perspective even that can make you feel good, that she cares enough about you to want you to feel good about yourself.
If you are so unhappy, why don't you end the marraige?
No I wasn't referring to you. However, you and your wife are both complicit in an unhealthy, unhappy relationship. Sometimes the best answer is to separate, even with young children in the picture. Just think, what are you teaching you son? That it is normal for marriages to be endured rather than enjoyed? You are teaching him about relationships. Make sure you are teaching him the right lesson.
I got married about a year ago to this lady who comes from a very rich family. She never had any responsibility nor ever had to work for anything. She has never had any experience in dealing with household stuff or cooking. The problem is she was not willing to make the effort. I tried to talk to her and make her understand that a relationship is a partnership and not a unilateral thing. It has to be where both parties do the efforts necessary.
I used to work from 7am to 8pm sometimes not even eating lunch. I used to go to work and go home go to work and go home without ever going out to see friends or anything. Everything i earned i put down for our family. I became extra careful about how I act with my soon to be ex wife making it that i always try to be nicer and nicer. She on the other hand always stays on her phone and just shows that she doesn't care.
Yeah I did f up but i did what i can to make it up to her. This summer I left my job at my parents and was in a complete burnout. I've been there for 10 years and leaving was really not simple. At the same time she got pregnant. I still didn't look for a job and do what i have to for the family as I was in a big burnout. The baby was never born because of complications she had 2 months later but I started working again at my parents and got back into my rhythm. Problem is she had already judged me as being useless and not worthy so no matter how hard i tried she still wouldn't respect me or show that she cares. Now after months and months of issues she said that she needs some time apart. She left to paris and we hadn't spoken. When she came back she still didn't speak to me until i contacted her and she was like yeah we have to sit down. We did and she's like i want to divorce i can't do this anymore. I'm afraid that i am loosing it because all of this came to me so fast that i'm having trouble realizing.
What I read in your soon to be ex-wife's behavior is she is very self absorbed. It sounds like she actually used you if I am being honest. I am a woman. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership not one person does it all and gets no respect or love. Any woman who judges a hard working, unselfish man to be useless is showing their tendency to narcissistic thinking or behavior, or just plain all about themselves. She is showing you who she is and how she is. While this is very painful, please know you deserve to have a real partner and this woman isn't willing to be that. She is telling you she doesn't want to be married to you any longer and maybe you can come to acceptance with thinking how difficult it has been to be married to her. Love is not enough.
I was married to a guy who saw me as his property, was self absorbed, refused to work together as a partnership by doing household chores or helping to budget money. It was always about him. Our last kid, he never changed one diaper and that is not something I made up! Eventually, 30 years of this, beat me down. I wanted out so I could create a good, new, happy life. I allowed this because I didn't feel like I deserved better. (Now, I have learned I do deserve better and I insist on respect and partnership from current husband.) I simply couldn't do it any more as you have written about things in your life. This is our inner wisdom trying to get ahold of our minds and help us create a happier life. I hope in time your rejection will turn to feeling like you are really gaining a gift of your freedom at this time.