Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Hello all.
I've been married for 15 years, have a son who is 9. I can't say I've ever been all that happily married, but it suits both me and my wife. I am, for whatever reason, the absolute love of her life. She has confidence issues, she sees me as her rock and could never contemplate life without me. I love her but haven't felt in love with her for most of my married life. Most of the early fun of our relationship she has picked away at and destroyed. I daren't say a smutty joke to her any more or make a comic but inappropriate comment, even though she would laugh lots at them before we got married. In fact, if anyone else was to say what I do, she'd laugh genuinely, but when I do it, I'm lowering the tone. Most of what I do she finds fault with, even though I hardly ever criticise her for fear of hurting her fragile self-esteem. We do little socially together and spend virtually every evening apart where I let her watch her TV programmes in the bedroom while I do other things. I have little interest in watching TV. Most evenings I'm working on projects as I don't have time during the day when I work. I have grown to enjoy those evenings as my own time. I also work some evenings a week. Sex since our son was born has been virtually non-existent. None of it is my fault, apparently, even though I feel it is. She won't discuss it with me, other than to say she's not interested. I'm 40 and she's 8 years older than me.
About 8 years ago I met a woman, couple of years younger than me, for the first time and fancied her straight away. She is good friends with my wife and they belong to the same organisation. 2 years ago we started chatting and found we had a lot in common. We talked online almost every evening for months, mostly for 2 hours or more. We were in Covid lockdown. She told me she missed seeing me. She is also married. Once lockdown restrictions subsided we saw each other in church every week and met up socially with her husband and a friend or two. She flirted lots with me. I'm not a confident person and wouldn't just ask someone how they feel about me unless I was pretty certain. She kept confiding things in me that I didn't expect.
This year we had agreed on ways on how we could meet up, but when it came to arranging it, there was never a right time. Suddenly the messages stopped. I decided to leave one organisation where I would meet her, just for her reaction. I said we might not see each other again and she was happy with that.
I'm not proud of chasing someone behind my wife's back, but I am in love with her. I have never met anyone like her and know she's the one I want for the rest of my life. I never felt the same when I got married. I never managed to be with anyone I really and deeply fancied but had the occasional relationship with someone who wanted me but I never felt the same way with.
Getting over this is getting harder, not easier. I'm not the easiest to get on with at home, I'm sad and struggling. I can't tell my wife why. She already knows I had feelings for the other woman; I told her a year ago as a way of dismissing the other to concentrate on my own marriage as my wife suspected something. Now I've lost the one woman who has meant so much and I can't tell anyone about it. I'm feeling broken.
I ve been married twice, had a few long relationships. It’s probably politically incorrect to say it, but kids ruin everything. Domestic problems ruin everything.
When you get older and look back - you long for an exciting, passionate relationship. I think that most people in long marriages run into a situation when someone sparks therm you and it is hard to let go of this feeling.
In my estimation, it works out 50/50.. but most passionate relationships eventually end up in the same outcome where you are now with your wife when 2 people start leading domestic life together.
The most fun I had was in relationships where I did not have to act like a wife.
Some people are able to make it work and have both - domestic bliss and amazing sex/romantic love. It all takes work and team effort.
When you are married with kids, the price to pay for the passion with someone else can be extremely high.
In my life, divorce caused devastating effects on myself, my children, my career.
At this point in my life I am looking for a reliable person to finish off my days with.
Passion is wonderful, and until you experience it, it will always haunt you. You will always wonder what it would have been like.
However, once you age and get sick or disabled, the most important issue becomes whether or not you have a partner who has your back no matter what.
I would imagine your wife would stand by you 100%.
With today said though, I had my fun, you have not.
I don’t really have any real advice, except that you must weigh in all the cons and pros of having a wife that does not provide you with sex and passion.. and you are still a young man, and you need that.
Everyone should experience being in love.
But like I said before - the price of it can be steep.
In the end, this is your life, and you should live it the way you see fit.
I am definitely not encouraging you to have an affair, but rather want to reassure you that what you are feeling is normal, your desires are normal, and is ok to feel this.
Perhaps depression has always kind of nagged at you but this woman gave you some uppers and reason to live. She was playing you and you playing her. If you want help, get yourself to a therapist and figure out yourself and then go to couples counseling with wife. You are worth pursuing a better or more content marriage and life. Maybe you are not that wonderful to be married to, either. Sometimes marriages end, sometimes we marry a taker and blood sucker. We will often marry another one if we don’t fix ourselves.
Not with your fantasy woman though. Not saying to divorce, not saying you are a bad man. I think you’ve got to deal with your own emotional issues first or life will never be all that happy for you. Nor are you bad for seeking counseling— no human is perfect. You married a woman who is not an emotional giver and you desperately want a woman to give to you and fill your emotional tank. The fantasy woman was that, she played a role with you while you both cheated in emotional affair. The change has to start within yourself for lasting happiness.
I also have another angle where my wife is the only person I've made love to. Never happened in my teens, possibly due to my own self confidence. I so much want to feel what it's like to make love to someone else. I dare say that wouldn't be a good line to say to my wife. I'm in my mid 40s and have had about 5 years of a sex life in all of it.
I understand the no sex thing and why it isn't good for a marriage like this. Intimacy is a bond between man and woman. You have choices here. You can talk to the wife and say how you feel without blaming her, asking her to change while you also change. Both of you change, give it 100% and stop blaming her. It has to be your putting in effort and not just trying to be her boyfriend. It is doing it, not trying it. You have to be her boyfriend and woe her back - you might just win her heart again. Maybe she has reasons, maybe she doesn't really like or love you. But you have to find out. You also need to decide if you are ready to move on and divorce and totally change your life or what you want.
But it is too much all about you and how she is so awful. Maybe she is, and if so then plan to divorce I guess. Maybe she isn't and marital counseling could help you guys learn to love each other again. If you ever did.
Your fantasy is not abnormal. All humans think about sex with other humans. We just don't act on it. Women watch movies with good looking men and sometimes see a kissing scene and think, Oh, that man looks good! and think like you think. You are not wrong to have needs for physical intimacy. This is normal for humans.
She relies on me for mostly everything bar money. We both share the bills etc. I do most of the stuff around the house, like cooking, laundry etc. She has suffered depression and has been a martyr to her hormones. I know how to handle her during those times. She has been suicidal for absolutely no reason. It's got that bad for her at times. Don't get me wrong, I love my wife, I care about her. We've had dark times. We had 3 miscarriages before our son was born.
I'm not blaming her. In my case, I wasn't looking for anyone else when I met the other, but I felt a spark, dare I say one greater than I ever felt for my own wife. For the moment my priority is my autistic son, who is everything to me. He ties me up in knots with his arguments and is so clever. He's a daddy's boy.
I guess I'm saying that, in my mid 40s, do I accept no longer having a sex life and keeping things happy, when I'm not? Do I cause massive upheaval in my son's life if I left, even though he would come with me (and my wife has already agreed to that)? Do I cause my wife to consider suicide if i left (I've talked about leaving before and she's held a knife to her wrist).
Reconciling with my wife isn't a problem. We are fine together. It's a simple choice, really. Do I resign my life in my mid 40s to a life without sexual pleasure?
I tried talking to her the other evening about things but every time she pulls the shutters down and won't engage, no matter how nicely I approach things. It's always been the same, particularly about bedroom activities. She's never talked to me about what she likes, what are her fantasies etc. One day in the week I left a message on social media to say I was feeling sad, just for some support and to get some encouragment. It helped a little. My wife saw it and didn't engage with me about it as she didn't want to get upset.
I'll have a read of that book, thanks. I need to do something. The more time has passed, the more I'm missing the one I could possibly have had an affair with. We haven't spoken for a long while though she asks my wife how I'm doing every time they meet. Things aren't getting any better.
I am pretty sure that almost everyone has moments in their lives like the one you are having. Not necessarily cheating, but feeling the spark for someone else.
As far as what sex would be like with the other woman - probably really intense and better than anything you’ve experienced, but it tends to settle down over time.
Sometimes it works out and sometimes It doesn’t. Most of the time when people separate from a long marriage, they look for the same kind of dynamic in a new relationship, but in my experience it does not happen that easily unless the new partner is fully committed to acting like a spouse.
It is so hard to give any opinion… I was married and slept in my own room for 7 years. I spent the best years of my life in a loveless, sexless marriage. When we broke up I always regretted waiting so long to divorce.
It was not the right thing to do.
I think I would encourage you to decide who you really love….. whether it is worth breaking up the family.
Your wife also deserves someone who makes her happy….
I guess I would
Encourage you to come clean to her and see what she says.. but don’t tell her who the OW is.. if she is from your church, your wife will be absolutely devastated…