I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. Life decisions are always extremely hard because the fear of the great unknown is so grappling. I too am in a similar predicament. On the verge of leaving a 28 year friendship and a 26 year marriage. I know this is extremely crude and I'm saying it to myself just as much as I am to you, but either s*** or get off the pot. Who's to say what will happen? What if you leave him and fall flat on your face? What if you leave him and are even more successful? What if you stay and things only get worse? What if you stay and things get radically better? We can "what if" ourselves to death.

By no means am I condoning any man trying to control a woman by telling her what to wear, who to talk to, what to eat... But you did make a vow to stay United for Better or Worse, sickness and in health... and I have no idea whether you are a Christian or what religion you claim to be apart of if you do it all, but my two cents worth is that you honor your commitment. Unless it is abusive or there is infidelity. Some may argue that trying to control someone is abusive and I'm not here to say that trying to control someone in the actions that you are describing is right or not. I don't believe it is right personally but I believe it is a behavior that can be changed. So to wrap things up in a nice neat little package, I say you stay and you work on the relationship and establish good and healthy boundaries.

I've been through a lot of crap in 20 years with my best friend and wife and I have never been through anything so painful as infidelity but I'm standing by her side or at least I'm trying to. And I'm learning that I have to set better boundaries for myself and not lose my dignity and self-respect in the process. I hope you can work things out. I hope that he will learn to respect you.

One last thing, unless you married God himself, he cannot protect you from the world as you say. Not exactly sure what he / you means by that....

Hi. I had a similar relationship a long time ago. My ex drove me to the point of deep depression and anxiety because of his controlling behavior. I do believe that what he is doing to you is a form of abuse. Is he willing to go to counseling with you? Is he willing to truly work on your relationship? As hard as it is, I would say if he isn't willing to work on this with you, then you really need to consider leaving. It is unlikely to get better...only worse. I know how hard it is to leave someone you love, but consider whether or not his actions are something you want to continue to live with. Is your life better or worse with him in it?

The Red Flag I see is the Controlling issue and no relationship with your brother and sister. You didn't write if you work or not. Should you decide to leave, to help you with anxiety, make sure you would have enough money in the bank to pay for rent, deposit and a security prior to making the move, plus one month in savings, if you are low income, try calling social services where you live, or call 211/infoline. Yes it is scary to leave what is 'safe'...question is do you want this life to continue or not...choice is yours...if you are not in therapy, I'd try that...if you can't pay, maybe alanon(it's free or a donation, day and night meetings)...or a clergy....read codependent no more to learn about narc personality and perhaps Your need to please and fix at your own expense...best of luck

This is to ddjones27. We don't have a commitment because he refuses to committ. One of the things I abhorrently hate about the relationship. I guess I have answered my own questions about this relationship. I'm sick to death of being treated like a child under my fathers roof all over again! At first it made me feel secure but now it is continually making me pissed off! He took away my freedom of expression and lively hood by telling me that I was not to work it was better if I stayed home. You can blame me. Say I deserve this misery because I did all he wanted. But this is emotional abuse and brainwashing at its best. I just mistook it for love!

I don't see anything in the post that says the poster is married, so out the window with the For Better or For Worse, In Sickness and In Health BS. Even if she is married, I don't believe a person should stay if the other either doesn't recognize their part in the toxicity of the relationship, or won't work on it.

I was in a perpetual state of fence sitting for many many years - about 8. I guess I was a professional fence sitter. I just woke up one morning and *finally* knew I was done flip flopping between staying unhappily married to a man who thought more of having that nice new house and the fake happy lifestyle he just knew it would give him, versus truly being content. I'd given up a decent job years prior when I first started having children, and only worked part time at pretty low paying, but flexible schedule jobs after the kids were born. Financial security was at the top of my list, one of the main reasons for not leaving (ironically, even though he devastated us financially). In the end, self-preservation and emotional security finally won out for me. I am now happy, happily divorced. I still have ongoing financial issues with him, and am trying to be patient about getting what's due me. In the end, I have good control over my emotions and am able to make sound, rational decisions, while he still lives in a world where he is controlled by his emotions and makes stupid choices.

Sometimes anger can be a great motivator....just take care, and prepare before confronting or making impulsive decisions, who knows...I sure don't, just a bit concerned for you/safety if he is as controlling as you wrote....best of luck!

Thank you all for your help and I am sure going to folow all of your advice. You all have some very solid advice.

I am so sorry you are going through this. There are few words to make your situation better but there are several words to help you get back up and put your best foot forward to moving on. I have been married for 24 years to a man that lied, cheated, betrayed even filled divorce papers because his father said if he divorced me then he would take care of him after all he has paid stbx bills for years. Well that went over like a lead balloon and now we are getting divorced which to this day he says he does not want but his actions speak otherwise. If I were who I once was I would have taken him back and I would find myself in the same position again and again and feel regret and wonder what if ? Our spouse or ex does not define who we are and who we want to be but at times some of us think that this is as good as it is going to get and we do not want to start over so we stay in the same hurtful marriage because that is all we know. Therapy can do wonders and it may not start right away but your notice one day that your doing something you never did before like singing in the car . It is amazing that when we start doing something that makes us happy we notice it right away but when we see that we are not happy and walking on egg shells we ignore it and think it is normal. You will get through this , you will start to feel and live again and you will find the real new you . For anyone that is going through a divorce that has been cheated on I found a great book " Leave a cheater gain a life " Tracy Schorn . A great book that does not candy coat it and is to the point simple. I wish you the best :)

Twinne, I can all ready tell your not goibg anywhere. So, my advice is to set health boundaries. So, off there is no way is hell he should have that much controll without a commit? Really?

I've been where you are only he wants a commit. And he's well off so I don't have to worry either. I rip him a new one last week and informed him that his behaviors were unacceptable. Its been a week, I'm doing much better and feel freer. He'll be back with the right attitude this time.

Let him know that " his behavior is unacceptable and intolerable for someone who is not your husband. If he wants to whole on this tight then he needs to put a ring on it". Don't tell him about this group! Until then, I'd wear my make-uo (neutral tones), dress nice (not to sexy), and eat whatever I want (without gaining to much weight)! Get a new hobby like taking fitness classes! Being taken care of is amazing but you still need to be your own women! We are solely responsible for our health wealth and happiness. Live life, and let life live!

* going
*first off
*commitment

I just wanted to to say I just got out of a 4 year relationship just like that where we broke then got back together, like several times in the 4 years I knew my ex boyfriend. It will only get worse I suggest looking up what a psychopath is because it will give you answers like it did for me. Trust me until I found this article I was miserable. It will get better I promise