I think you deserve to be off the mortgage and the deed. She doesn't really buy you out, but she has to get a new mortgage. If there is a lot of equity in the house that you both have paid for, then yes she will owe you half the equity.

The kindest thing to do is be realistic in my opinion. If she can't afford the house and can't get a new mortgage to cover half the equity and the rest of the official mortgage well, that doesn't help her to encourage her to be house poor and have no cash.

I think first off you need to get legal advice from a good family law attorney. Find out what the law in your area says are your responsibilities and her responsibilities with a divorce. If this is an "amicable" divorce - no one cheating - then you could consider giving her six months to refinance. If there is a lot of anger between you two it might be really hard to work together to do what she wants.

I might be wrong about the equity. Because if you two sell the house, there would be equity, which is all money left over after closing. You each will split half. Perhaps you could sell her this that if the house is sold, she will have cash to purchase something new without the burden of being house poor. If she can't qualify for a new mortgage in her name only, this is a problem for her. Do not, do not, allow her to live in the house with the mortgage in your name also. Do not assume she will always pay that mortgage and the property taxes and the insurance. Get a clean break. I knew a guy that had a mortgage with a girlfriend and they broke up and she moved out. He wanted to sell but couldn't find her to get her to sign papers because she owned that house also. He ended up "stuck" where he was.

Thank you for that. I did try to do a no contest divorce but when she saw she would only have 60 days to refinance she lost it. She thinks if she gets a lawyer it will somehow change. She recently became the guardian of her nephew so I feel extra guilty about forcing them to move. I have already tried to explain that if we sell she will be in a better financial position but it falls on deaf ears. 6 months feels like a long time to me. I will have to move out and pay rent elsewhere which is a huge financial strain on me. And it's just that much longer for me to get my finances in a place to be able to buy a new home. This hamster wheel of thoughts feels like an alien trying to escape from my chest. I appreciate the validation.

A lot here depends on the details. Don't answer these questions if you don't want to, but they are highly relevant.

- Do you have kids?

- In your jurisdiction, how is the marital home treated? In some jurisdictions, it's 50/50 regardless of who paid for it. In other jurisdictions it is different.

- How much equity is there in the house?

- How big is the current mortgage?

- What are the current mortgage payments?

- How much are rents in your area?

- What is your monthly income?

- What is her monthly income?

- Do you have any other assets, especially ones that can readily be turned into cash?

- Are you able to live together in the house while all this is sorted out?

We don't have children together. My state is 50/50. There's about 50 Gs equity. Mortgage is 1500..rents are about the same as mortgage. We each make just over 50 Gs a year. We both have annuities and I am pulling my teacher retirement as this is my last year teaching. Living together is an option but it is extremely tense. Knowing she can't afford the home, I don't want to drag it out. Just sell and be done with it. Homes in my area are selling within 30 days. This could be tied up quickly and easily if she would just see reason.

Hi B4nvr,

Welcome to the board. If you don't mind me asking, as this would help with answering your post.... Why are you two getting a divorce?

In the first couple posts, you sound like you felt "guilty", but in this last post you want to "hurry up and be done with it" all. So I was just wondering if this break up could be amicable at all?

Is the house in both of your names?

There's no short answer for why. Suffice it to say guilt has been the norm throughout the marriage. Some issue, some crisis that has to be prioritized while the marriage is neglected. A lot of family issues. This is just the next crisis I have to navigate while trying to break the cycle of people pleasing and self sacrifice that has become the expectation.

There's no short answer for why. Suffice it to say guilt has been the norm throughout the marriage. Some issue, some crisis that has to be prioritized while the marriage is neglected. A lot of family issues. This is just the next crisis I have to navigate while trying to break the cycle of people pleasing and self sacrifice that has become the expectation. Yes my name is on the loan

You might need to have a consultation with a divorce attorney. Or at least a mediator. As it seems you two are not agreeing on the division of assets.

Maybe a therapist just for you? It helps to talk to a therapist, and they help you to make plans going forward in your life.

Things sound complicated. :-(

Another thought. In my state one has to use an attorney if there are properties or minor children together. It is still no fault unless one can prove adultery. Since you have a pension, you need an attorney. She also needs an attorney to guard her rights. Don’t try to push her against protecting her legal rights. That sounds aggressive and self centered of you. I’d tell her to get an attorney and I’d tell you to just have her served by an attorney which starts the clock ticking. Legally, once served she has a certain length of time to answer with legal paperwork. Figure out a way to give something to her to encourage her cooperation like maybe the equity in the house instead of your pension if she has legal claim to it. Each keep their own pension. She will drag her feet if she doesn’t want the divorce but being served by your attorney starts the legal clock and she can’t ignore it. Maybe end your guilt by giving her your equity in exchange for a quick new mortgage and insurance and signing new title papers. There is always a price to pay whether you stay married or divorce.