Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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cisl4him 02/21/2012

Alright so for the past two months I have been lashing out at my husband since I found out he had a lover. I have bashed him via text, threw his clothes out and left them in trash bags at his van, ect. ect. He of course was chosing to ignore me and not reply in any negative way when I was lashing out at him, but he also chose not to reply to any of my texts with simple requests that involve the up keep of our home where I reside.

So I got tired of being in agony because I still love him and miss him, don't worry I still have my head screwed on straight and realize he is sneaky.

I did decide to text him " I am praying for you and I forgive you" I didn't even mean it but through it out there. I also followed it up with a text that I meant sort of as a dig but it could have also been seen in a p;ositive light.

Since I text that and remained calm and did not mention his addictions ect, he has been texting wanting to take care of the requests I have and we are cordially respecting each other. My concern is that he is going to see this as my way of reconsiling but it is not. I have not asked him if he is still seeing the other woman and nor do I want to. He has a lot of recovery ahead of him. If he does start to get mushy I am not sure what to say but I plan on saying as gently as I can "I;m sorry Bill, I can forgive you but I cannot go back into a dysfunctional relationship". What do you think? Any thoughts?

Cissy
Posted on 02/21/12, 06:23 pm

deleted_user 02/21/2012

Well, to be perfectly honest texting him "I am praying for you and I forgive you" is very manipulative. I know, I would have done the same thing.

cisl4him 02/21/2012

Is it? I wanted to mean what I said and I have asked God to help me to and actually I'm almost there after one day. I do have a manipulative history and so does he. I'm not sure where this is going to go. It;s hard to believe just yesterday I was crying and longing for our relationship. I moved out of our marital bedroom and rented it out to pay the mortgage. Found cards and I love yous from him to me and vise versa. I was getting used to the idea of divorce. I have not asked him if he is still seeing her. I can't imagin he still is with how he is responding to my forgiveness. I'm waiting for the shoe to drop if he still is. I will plan on it. I know he still loves me and does not love her but I still can't go back .

deleted_user 02/21/2012

Cissy, he does not love you as a husband is supposed to. He loves you on a very, very low level like a spoiled little boy.

His addiction is his first love by far.

His penis is his second by far.

You are way, way down the list, Cissy. please open your eyes to see the extent that you have been played for a sucker.

deleted_user 02/21/2012

Is he still an addict?

cisl4him 02/21/2012

Faithful777...thank u..I need to know the truth about addicts and you are probably right. I have suspision he seriously thinks he will be back here living in a few months. Either that or he is being nice and thinking his still seeing her and being nice to me is acceptable. How should I handle his niceness? He has responded to each of my few texts since yesterday within a few moments, like he did when we were married. I still don't want to reconcile but I need to know how to be cordial but also have the right words in case he actully is thinking of getting in my pants again.

cisl4him 02/21/2012

Nekaj...he will always be an addict. I actually do not know if he is still using. I did meet him to discuss our divorce last Monday, on our 24 year anniversary. He looked good but still denied he has been using drugs. I feel I hve done the right thing by letting go of all the rage and bitterness. He has a rude awakening when he realizes I just want to move forward and forgiving him was the first step to letting him go.

deleted_user 02/21/2012

I'm conflicted. It sounds like you want him back.

cisl4him 02/21/2012

Nekaj....I think I want the "old Bill back" the one who worked the program like it was his life for years. He has lost his way, but for the first time in my life I realize I can't go back. He is mentally unstable and he has a lot of recovery ahead of him. I need to keep moving forward with this divorce. Our court date is May 23. I'm thinking he thinks he's got an in with me but I will be strong. I will do my best to stop texting God awful and hateful words and try to move forward while feeling sympathy for him and how far he has fallen down.

deleted_user 02/21/2012

I think that all sounds great. You can't have the old Bill back until Bill wants the old Bill back.

Moving on means curbing the urges to continually text and address the past..that won't set your future on the right path.

Take good care of you. I know exactly how you feel.

cisl4him 02/21/2012

Nekaj...that is why I called a truse on my part. My reminding him it is over I am sure is in the next few days ahead. I may be wrong but I'm not sure how Bill is interpreting my willingness to let go of the anger. I too have hurt him but in know way did I deserve what he has done to me since he left.

I believe you when you say "when Bill wants the old Bill back". I will know when this is happening. So far it has not because he has not entered a long term rehab or looked me in the eye in person and admitted he has been using since before he left and that he needs and is going for help. Actually, he doesn't even need to tell me, I will hear it I'm sure. For his sake as a friend who has known him for 34 years I hope he gets help. Thank u for taking the time to respond.

deleted_user 02/21/2012

Cissy, remember, you are 46. you do not have the energy levels of a 20 year old woman. this is the time for your life really begin to be simple and easy and fun.

anyone remotely like Bill should be pushed very far away.

look for very good people with very good lives to have as friends now as you begin to construct your version of the perfect solo life. you might want to consider moving to another state to rebuild.

cisl4him 02/21/2012

Moving out of the state is out of the question. I love my home and my life here with or without Bill. I have many healthy habits like walking the fitness path, spending time with my sister and brother and my son. I started going to church again too. I think concentrating on moving forward and not getting back with Bill no matter how much it may hurt at times. I have developed a relationship with a male friend from a distance. We have met for dinner several times as friedns. He shares the sames beliefs. he knows our lives would never connect but we both enjoy each other's company. I am very glad I posted about
bill because I know he thinks I am the old soft Cissy and I am not so thank u.

vtguy 02/21/2012

I think you realize that you are giving him a false hope of reconciliation, and maybe you are planning on some big speech to really let him have it when he takes the bait. I am not sure if that is going to make you feel better. It probably will as you are doing it, but you might regret it. My suggestion would be to figure out what you want from here, stay with him or leave, avoid telegraphing any mixed signals, and stick to your gun.

cisl4him 02/21/2012

I had not thought of it that way. I really am not intending to do that but I will keep an open mind. I want to move forward with the divorce not just because he has hurt me but because we have both hurt each other. I have not told him I want him back. I have been simpole with my request with please and thank u. If he attempts to approach me for dinner or something I will tell him to call me and I will tell him how I feel. I wont say it via text. Thank u so much for bringing that to my attention. VTguy. I do still care for him and I just wanted to find a way out of the agony of letting him go. I don't want to hurt him because I know he still loves me deeply but he is an addict and I cannot change that. Only he can.

vtguy 02/21/2012

cis, I am going to press a little more: why do you think he would ask you out for dinner?

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