Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I just woke up with my mind spinning and Im thinking today is not going to be a good one. So in an attempt to change that Im going to vent a little.
My therapist told me of a book he had recently started reading titled " Who Ordered The Truckload of Dung?" It is a compilation of short stories by a Monk. I started reading it myself and find it to be a great read.
In the book my therapist read a guote that he thought would really help me. "Anger is caused by frustration, and frustration is caused by the difference between our expectations and reality". He told me that I should change my expectations of her. Im trying to do that and it has helped somewhat. However I am still boiling inside with her recent bahavior, not because of how it affects me, but because Im left trying to explain to the kids, in a way that wont cause harm, why Mom is never home. Since Wednesday night she has seen the two oldest for about 15 minutes and the two youngest for about an hour. She says she will be home today around Noon, I assume it will probably be closer to 1 or 2 like it usually is. She's not able to wake up early and get home to her kids, but I guarantee that if it was something involving her friend she would be up at the crack of dawn. Then the next time I confront her about her lack of attention to her children she will tell me how she was with them "all" weekend.
I suggested that Tomorrow after church we let the kids pick whatever they want to do as a family, and then in the evening we can have a family movie or game night. Initially she said ok, then that turned into "lets play it by ear" which turned into "I can commit until 7 or 8 o clock, then i may want to hit the gym"! All I asked for is one whole, uninterupted day to help show the kids that we are still a family, no matter what and that is too much. Honestly at this point I would prefer she never came home, but that is not what they want. Despite her self serving behavior and lack of attention, they still love her dearly and love her to be around. Which leaves me picking up the pieces. Oh how I would love to just rip the band aid off and tell them the truth. Then they could deal with the pain and lower their expectations as I am trying to do, but I see no benefit in that right now. Telling them that the place in moms heart that once was reserved for her family has been taken over by a man she has known for about 4 months, would be a bit much for them. My oldest is almost 14 and he is pretty aware of how the world works and I think he is starting to realize whats going on, but his younger bro's are just confused by the whole thing.
Sometimes I hate her so much for doing this to us. Ive let go of my guilt regarding the things that I did to contribute to this. I no longer see this as " all my fault" which is how she likes to portray it. The things that have gone down over the years are not things that should lead to divorce. There were never any deal breakers such as cheating, or any form of abuse.
I have always loved her with all of my heart. She found him and is using the mistakes I've made in the past to validate her behavior. It' total BS and Im sick of it! She's the one who wants out and has already checked out with not only me but the kids as well.
She likes to talk about how weve changed over the years. Of course we have, weve been together nearly 20 years. The thing that burns me up is the condescending tone with wich she says it. Its as if she has evolved into some amazing human being , while im just stuck being a common man. Well excuse me honey but I put my career on hold in order to make sure that our children had a proper upbringing in a loving household where all of their needs were met. She complains that I have no "life goals". She fails to understand that the major life goals I had were already achieved. I wanted to be married to a woman that I loved and adored, and to raise a family. I had part of that for the past 15 years and continue to live out the other part with my amazing children.
Im a content person. I never try to be happier than happy. I live in the moment and try to enjoy life as much as possible. I dont stress out (which is why the past few months have been so hard, I dont know how to deal with stress) or take things to seriously. Ive always been that way and thats why we were such a good match. She is totally the opposite. We balanced each other out nicely. I agree that she has changed. She is like a totally different person, and not for the better. I have given up any thoughts of us being a couple again in the future. She is just not the woman I fell in love with and I really dont like the new version.
Well, this helped a lot. The sun is now up the birds are singing. Its going to be a great day. I think Im going to go for a run then maybe go lift some weights.
P.S. I have been on quite a body and life transforming journey over the past months. I have been able to use the frustration, hurt, and anger to help motivate me to be a better man for my children.
Ive struggled with my weight almost my entire adult life. Using my new found motivation I have been running, lifting weights, and gave up eating carbs. I stepped on the scale this morning and I have now lost 80lbs. I used to share these kinds of milestones with my wife but that seems so pointless now, so I thought I would share with my new friends. Thanks you all for all of your support it has been amazing.
Yay for running, it's a life saver. Keep that up, and keep good control over the things in life that you can control. I wish I knew how you could lessen the effects of your stbx's absence on your boys. Is there an aunt or grandma you can ask to start spending more time with them? My brother pops in once in a while and spends time with my boys, which is such a gift.
She Sounds like my ex, i was blamed for all the troubles.
He was very displeased with me. He got very nasty especially
When he was cheating in his heart.
I still have a very hard time with that reality even Post divorce
the pain, hurt, rejection and betrayal Still remain and are hard
to move thru especially The betrayal. That eats at your core
and your core Beliefs about yourself and your marriage.
You need some legal counsel, i hope you seek some before
You move out. This is not the time to play nice to someone
That is behaving like a totally selfish, self centered and
Entitled cheater. HUGS
And don't blame yourself for her cheating and don't even discuss that shit with her, she will blame shift you to death. I learned my lesson more than once engaging in convos with my ex, fortunately our kids are adults now so I've been able to cut her off 100%.
If you haven't, check out chump lady website. It's for men and women who have been cheated on, very empowering blog. This site and that site literally saved my ass the first year out and I still visit both for strength. Good luck man, you'll make it.
One day, I read Lundy Bancroft's book, "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" (it also applies to women as Mr. Bancroft writes) and my brain did a complete 180. Suddenly, I knew without a doubt that it wasn't my fault or her fault or the dog's fault. The fog lifted and things suddenly made sense. I knew it was all him and that we were embroiled in a game we couldn't hope to win. I wanted my daughter to read this book so I could be sure I wasn't imagining things and making him out to be something he wasn't, but of course, being a good wife and enabler, I couldn't come right out and say, "Here, read this book about your dad." Instead, I told her I wanted her to read it so she wouldn't fall prey to any abusive boyfriends. (She was about 12-13 at the time.) She was about 1/4 of the way through the book when she said to me, "Mom, this sounds like dad!" OMG, I was flooded with relief! She finished the whole book and after that, her eyes were open too. I didn't have to say a bad word about him.
Since then, I've come to see that my job as a parent is to protect my child. I came from an abusive home and was probably in my 30s before anyone ever said to me, "It wasn't your fault." Kids ... maybe girls more than boys ... tend to blame themselves for their parents difficulties. No way did I want my daughter ending up as messed up as I was in my 20s. After she read that book, I was open and honest with her about her father and our marriage. I feel that if stbx doesn't like that, then he should change his behaviour. I'm only telling the truth the way newscasters tell the truth ... just the facts. I have also been careful to tell her the good things about her father too, though there aren't many, and I have told her on numerous times not to feel guilty or like she is being disloyal to me if she enjoys spending some time with her father. After all, he can be a very fun guy when he wants to be. My loyalty and obligation is to my child who I brought into this world, not stbx who is a grown man and is choosing to behave like an ass. I will not cover up for him at the expense of my child. I don't care what the "experts" say. I got tired of picking up the pieces as you say, tired of wiping up the tears and watching him crack open another beer totally oblivious to the pain and destruction he was causing. One time I even told him that he was destroying his relationship with her, but he couldn't see that so in his mind, I was exaggerating. So be it. If he didn't want to see water swamping the boat, that was up to him. I was still going to put her life jacket on. Now their relationship is very tenuous. I know he is jealous of how close she and I are, but I worked hard for our relationship. I was always there for her, no matter what. He rarely was. He thinks he can just open his wallet and buy a relationship. Not so.
Hang in there. I'm glad you are in therapy and I'm going to look for that book!
I appreciate the fact you are trying to make things easier on your kids, but I think they really deserve to know the truth now-----maybe not the whole truth right away, but if you keep trying to let them believe everything is wonderful now---when you actually leave, she will be able to stick the whole blame on you to them. You don't need to trash her, but you don't need to be making excuses for her either. In the long run, the things she will be doing for her own selfish self may not hurt quite so bad if they have time to prepare themselves for. No matter what, it will hurt them, but they need to know the truth so they won't be as upset all at once if it is just all dumped on them at once, then you move out and your ex will be telling them it is all your fault.
I wish you the best---I feel she is really stupid and is going to live to regret this decision. She will learn grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence.
There are millions of women that would be so lucky to have a father to their kids like you.
I raised 2 boys (35&30) My husband never made a meal or did any "woman's work", although I did the same job he did for 5 years. He never changed a diaper, either. He really wasn't that into kids. Even when he got down to only working 4 months he refused to do anything around the house. The kids are actually the ones who lost.
Just be the best Dad you can be and show your kids how much you love them. You can makes excuses for her till the cows come home, but we all learn, it is ACTIONS not WORDS is what counts.