Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

13,009 Members
100,360 Posts
1 Online
Relationships & Sexuality
/ Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Need Some advice

sublime76
sublime76

A brief back story, in case there are some who havent read my last posts about a rough relationship with a crazy ex-girlfriend.



It was an emotionally abusive and controlling realtionship where she took advantage of my kindness and heart.  It ended badly after 9 months of dating.  I met an amazing woman not long after and started seeing her.  After about 2 months of no contact with the ex, she managed to, or I allowed, her to work her way back into my life.  She knew how much I still cared for her and her three children and used that to tug at mny heart and caused all sorts of issues with me and my new gf.  I will admit that I let my feelings for her children, who have no father figures in their lives, affect my decision making when it came to her. My gf found out I was still helping some financially, such as medications and food, and all hell broke loose as you can imagine.  I again was being used and manipulated by this woman and I allowed it.  Sucks that caring too much can get you into trouble.  My gf gave me a chance to make it right with her, and be rid of teh ex for good.  


I was told by my gf that if she ever had to deal with teh ex again in any way, we were done.  I dont blame her one bit.  I blocked all contact with the ex and hadnt spoke to her in 5 months since things blew up.  Then, out of nowhere, she contacts me with a blocked number.......she tells me that her oldest son thinks he saw me in their new neighborhood. She also tells me that she really thought we would run into each other since she moved so close to my house.  I had no idea she moved near me.  My heart stopped and I felt sick.  I learned that she lives less than two miles away from me and the chances of us seeing each other on the road or at the store or anywhere are really high.  Now Im looking over my shoulder every where I go.


My issue now is this........do I tell my gf what I have learned, probably risk her not wanting to have to worry about me contacting her and seeing her and not dealing with her, therefore she would be done with me.  The gf has made it clear that if there were any more issues, she woul dbe done.  Im sure she would even refrain from coming to my home once she learns this news.   



Or, do I not say anything and hope they dont meet in the store or else where.  They hate each other and Im sure the ex would gladly tell my gf that I knew all along.


I feel Im damned if I do damned if I dont.  



Any advice no matter how harsh or kind would be welcomed.  



kbbcoop77
kbbcoop77
Come clean with the new gf..it's not you it's the psycho ex that's moving closer to you and breaking down barriers..maybe tell her you'd be willing to go to court to try and get a protective order since she sounds unstable ..if you hide it from her you can bet she'll find out you knew she moved closer..you'll never be able to explain that away..you know, come to think of it neither one of these women sound like a prize..you shouldn't have to worry telling the new gf the truth.
ClearDay1
ClearDay1
Lol. What kbbcoop said. (again).

You have to be honest and yeah, neither one of them sounds like a prize.

You poor guy. Both of them sound controlling and unstable.
phoenixrising16
phoenixrising16
I think that the issue the first time around was that you were in constant contact with the ex, and still involved in her life behind your new gf's back. This time around, it's different, and I feel like if you don't tell her, she would feel worse.
sublime76
sublime76
I felt we (me and my gf) had gotten over it all and the ex-was out of my life for good. My gf who knows the history between us (me and the ex) and the crap my gf forgave me for and was willing to give me another chance, I truly think this might be the tipping point. That my gf will not want to risk any more drama and just call it quits. I suppose if she does, then its for the best, and shows that she is not the one for me. I just know that Im going to face tons of scrutiny and trust issues will surface all over again. And I dont think she could do it.
mirandac
mirandac
I hope you are in therapy for this, It Will keep
following you around until you Figure the whys
Or how come you were an easy target.

Its the abuse Cycle you need healing from it. Just
starting all Over again did not stop any of it from
following You or from you giving into to her before.

Now she is Fixated on you and you have a new
Relationship. HUGS
benji99
benji99
Just be honest kill me with the true
11Christmases
11Christmases
If I were the current girlfriend, I would prefer to hear about it from you myself. I think you should tell her. It will be too easy for her to find out. How did the ex manage to contact you? Do you still have the same phone number as you did while dating her? If so, perhaps you should get it changed, so she cannot reach you again, and your new girlfriend will know you are sincere about wanting to cut off contact with the ex.
thecaretaker
thecaretaker
You need to be 100% one way or the other...and think it and act it. There should be no decision here. She is using the kids to manipulate you, so she is a pro. Are you willing to sacrifice your future?
WEATHEREDWATER
WEATHEREDWATER
It sounds to me like you 'need to be needed' in an unhealthy way. It makes you susceptible to be attracted to people who are needy and self-focused, and you initially cooperative with that because you want that 'need to be needed' to be met so badly. But then you stimulate the relationship for mistreatment when you begin to suffocate the other with your 'neediness to be needed' and you have no strong sense of what is a reasonable boundary. Somebody mentioned you should get into IC and I agree and get a better understanding of your personal dynamics in these matters, and how to have a mutually satisfactory relationship, not an out-of-balance one. There are good books about boundaries by Dr. Townsend and Dr. Cloud.
radhika
radhika
be honest with your new girl friend and tell her every thing . if she really loves you she will surely understand you. do yourself a favor. forget past. your ex knows your weakness she is pressing the right buttons to disturb you in every possible way . that ex of yours is unable to find another victim ,person to fulfill her needs hence will not allow you to live in peace until she finds another men who can take care of her needs .you are not a god .try to set yourself some limitations. dont let your past chase you and drag you into oblivion.