Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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Slfmq4 11/21/2016

This is ridiculously long and even if it doesn't get read I hope I will feel even a little relief having written it and getting this off my chest.

I'm really hurting and have the feeling I am in the early stages of a divorce. Our background is intense and unique and makes this so incredibly hard. We have been dating for over 11 years, married now for two and are now 26. I was 14 when we first started going out. I have literally grown up with my husband in my formative years, and literally since age 5, we have been through really tough times. The biggest problem is my underlying trust issues and they are finally tearing us apart.

Going back to when we were in our teens my husband broke my heart when I found out he was using and addicted to a hard drug. As a teenager I myself smoked pot and drank just as a lot of teens do, but the hard drug scene disgusted me and i was really hurt and sincerely shocked. I wantes to help him, along with his family to overcome it and we did.. in our later teens there were also single incidents of really dramatic infidelity on both our parts. Well, since then but before our marriage there have been other incidents where he has broken my trust. More cheating behaviors (half cheating?.. he didnt actually have sex with the girl) and worst of all, heroine use in two single separate incidents. I was heart broken. I know this sounds bad like it would be the obvious thing to get out of this relationship but the things that we have been through and overcome have been so immense. We do have a special bond I can't imagine living without. I literally grew up with this person and no one knows me better. That may be my hardest issue- that I have no one to talk to.

I feel so cornered and alone when I am hurting about my relationship because I have no girl friends to talk to about it. I also know it would be a really hard road for me were we to divorce because I don't have that support of friends that you need to lean on. I have friends but none close enough that i would feel comfortable to throw any sort of relationship drama onto without frightening them away. It's so hard! Plus all of my female aquiaintences are linked through friends and a large network that includes my husband and his friends. I know for sure that anyone would be shocked to know we weren't the perfect couple they always talk about aspire to end up like. I couldn't reveal to anyone the base of our relationship troubles either without revealing something like his heroine use (which would shock them) I don't want to seem like I'm trying to smudge his reputation I just legitimately and seriously need someone to talk to.

I don't think we have ever been ourselves without each other so I feel so lost and scared when I have to face the fact I may have to start life as I know it over. Honestly, I would say that 85% of the time we are fine.. we get along day to day in a way most people would dream of. We have many of the same hobbies interests and talents.. But the other percent is the killer.. I have started to be so untrusting of him that I have become resentful. Our sex life is dead at the moment. Though he certainly makes me uncomfortable and hurt at times, he hasn't actually cheated in about 5 years, but I know I haven't gotten over that and belive there may have been other incidents. The last incident with the lying and the drugs unfortunately was only two years ago and it was such a betrayal (i wont even say the details) that it breaks my heart to think I probably can't get over that one.. ever.

I know the obvious answer would be to end this and get out of the relationship but I have no support. I love this person more than anyone in my life and though I may have just made them sound awful that's not the whole story, just the struggles. Our lives, our connections, are intertwined in every way. I'm not strong. I'm lonely, I'm depressed. I'm reliant on my partner. I'm feeling really scared and hopeless.

drgnlvr 11/21/2016

You were a child when got with him, now being in mid 20's still are despite issues. You are risking you life right now. Even if have 85% of good all it takes is 1% of time for him to get busted on and/or carrying drugs to make a permanent negative impact on your life. Hope you realize that if you are with him and he gets caught, your keester goes into jail right along with him. Either he cleans up or you get away ASAP. No love in the world is worth you going to jail for. And I bet if he did clean up you would have an increase of good time as well. Sorry for your lack of more support but he needs to chose. Drugs or you. I hope if choice given he does the smart thing and will work on the relationship.

imiru 11/21/2016

I firmly agree with drgnlvr. There may have been years and years of learning EVERYTHING about one another but that does not change the fact that he is putting both of you in danger with his drug problem right now. He is not gonna like it but you do have to tell him how you feel and give him the option to either get clean or to leave. If he really loves you he will understand, not at first, and do whatever he can to save the relationship. I went through something similar for 10 years with someone I almost married but I had to walk away because he became an alcoholic and verbally abusive among other things. Both he and I are still great friends and we learned it really was time to separate despite the pain of it.
I also know how it feels to have no real girlfriends to vent to, I'd be more than happy to listen if you need to just let it all out.

samantha717 11/21/2016

I could have written just about every word of your story until I got into therapy. I remember the first time I went, I sat there and cried for the whole hour and I swear I said some of the very same things you wrote. Little by little though, week after week, I began to gain more confidence and see strengths in myself that I never saw before. You can't change him. He has to 1) want to change and 2) do the hard work required to change. That's the hardest part I think, because you have to stand back and watch someone you care about make choices that are ultimately going to hurt them and walk away from a relationship and a dream you really wanted and cared about. As they say though, it takes two people to make a marriage work and only one person to ruin it. One of the biggest fallacies that Hollywood feeds us I think is the idea that love can make everything right. It can't. Trust me, I know! You can love someone with 1000% of your being and still be hurt, disrespected and abused. When you are dealing with someone who has issues, as I am, you are not qualified to help them ... support them while they are getting help? yes, of course ... but help them? no. They need professional help. If he won't get it, for whatever reason, you have to make a decision. And don't let him talk you into going into couples' counseling either. Mine asked me to do that once, but I said no because I knew he would get the therapist on his side, turn everything around on me and they'd both gang up on me. I have seen him do that to his family, co-workers and he even tried to do that to me with my own family and friends. His friends have no idea how badly he's talked about (and laughed about) them behind their backs. A good test of just how badly he wants to change is to see what he does if you refuse couples' counseling. If he goes on his own to get help, that shows you he really wants to change. If he doesn't, then that tells you what his true motives were. Either way, you should get counseling for yourself. Go to Psychology Today's website. That's where I found my therapist. You just put in your zip code and you'll get back a list of licensed therapists in your area. You can look at their profiles and pick the one that suits you best.

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