I have been there....not for three years but still the damage was done. I have also read a ton of books on this stuff and yes I understand the obsession and regret. I’m sure our stories are different but you are not alone. There are so many. There are lots of blogs and support groups for victims of psychopath type encounters. Hang in there.

I've been out of an abusive relationship for twelve years now. I'd like to say time does make it better! Does that mean I don't still deal with flashbacks from time to time? Oh, I do...but it takes alot more to trigger me than in the past. I don't believe fate puts us together, but it is our choices that we make. I chose my ex and didn't ask anyone else for counsel or wisdom. I'm now in a healthy relationship and it is because I went through counseling to recover from the abuse. It helped me look deep within myself to be able to recognize why I allowed him to treat me in such a manner, why I thought I deserved it, and oh so much more. I urge you to seek out a recovery group. Celebrate Recovery, aka CR is awesome, as are the counselors as most community health centers. In these settings, there are counselors trained to deal with those coming out of abuse and domestic violence. Don't go back, don't look back-but know that you are worth investing time into your own recovery! HUGS.

Thank you both so much it’s good to know I am not alone in this I feel so isolated not only being alone but not having anyone who understands and people make it worse without even knowing it..

Your welcome
And yes I see what you mean about other people making it worse without them realizing it. That is basically because they are not going through it. Coming out of a relationship with an abuser is not like coming out of any other relationship. It’s a 100% different experience and it is way harder for a lot of reasons. Mainly due to the trauma bond that was formed between you and your abuser. Read about trauma bonds and how hard they are to break. They are also very addictive so yeah you hang in there and keep strong. And read read read!

Also I was going to mention that those people who make it harder they have no way of truly comprehending the kind of thing you are dealing with. Just remember that. They have no idea so take what they say lightly. Unless a person has been in a relationship with an abuser or psychopath there is just no no no way for them to understand.

Was going to say one more thing and that is you can message me anytime on here if you need to. I can listen and I won’t judge you as I have been with a psychopath and I know a lot since I have studied a lot. Just offering.

Thank u I would like that

You are welcome! You're going to be ok! Stay connected here, and get connected with live people in your geographic area! It'll be hard to fight against the temptation to stay emotionally connected to him if you don't have support! Hope this finds you well today!

A little over 25 years now since I left my tormentor and I still have dark days what you have to make sure and do is don't follow the pattern I have been abused since but nothing like he put me through but there's signs you can see way before it happens go with your gut if you feel uneasy like down the road it may end up in violence walk away I walked away after the fact one time too many

Thank you for your stories I really appreciate the comments and I am sorry we have all been subjected to these horrific times.
I was at work today and his face would just pop up in my head, then I started to feel guilty he abused me yet I feel guilty it’s so insaine, right when I got home I started journaling and going online reading everything I could and I found an amazing blog/website that describes to a tea exactly word for word what I’m going threw psychopaths purposely give us all this attention like never before to basically set us up then disguard like a roller coaster ride extreme highs and lows it messes with the chemistry in our brain and forms a trauma bond. you do become addicted now I am stuck with horrible memories as though it was yesterday... my mind keeps wanting to remember the good times which is a defense mechanism to block out the horrible abuse, on this site it said to write a list of all the bad things he did and as soon as my mind started going to the illusion of happiness I just read that list ( it’s two full pages long front and back) it just is a constant struggle within my own mind, the key is mindfulness and being in the present and digging deep within myself to fill what is empty within it all stems from childhood,the truth will set me free as they say.. one thing I am sure of is that if I make it out of this I will be the strongest I have ever been I think that’s why I had to go threw this to open my eyes what I really need is self love which I never had and self awareness, they all say time and dedication and no contact, will heal me I am willing and ready I am still proud of myself a month and 8 days no contact!!! Each day that goes by gets me a little stronger I’m just scared when he shows up at my door like he does I just have to be ready and not open the door that’s usially the hardest but now I can keep my emotions from going out of control I hope anyway, because every time I even look at him it sends my mind over the edge and it goes back to day one all of this no contact is out the window and I feel worse than before, I just can’t do that to myself anymore it hurts to much and I’m so sick of feeling like that it’s such a broken,, hollow, empty place to be.. I have to love myself for once and do what my intuition tells me don’t let him anywhere near me!

Not too helpful but, the longer youre away the happier you'll be. Once you completely see that your life is so much better without it you'll start to become okay. And I mean more than you saying okay that sucked i know it was bad. I mean once the deepest part of your brain and soul learn how to be at ease with without the poison. We all have happiness, sometimes it just is hard to russle up. You can do it, you need to be about you. Every one wants to fix the broken, then end up broken themselves. Do something small that makes you smile. Tv, movies, walks, friends, games, anything that gives you a small sense of happiness. And stick too it. You need to not break the chain, which is everyday do something towards your goal. Even when it's hard do a tiny thing towards your goal. But once you break the chain, there's nothing to hold you in place so be careful.

Thank u it is helpful just to get some support, Today has been a bad day I suffer from major depression and I get so sick of wearing a mask just to be able to function at work, I have to be all happy on the outside when inside it’s such a deep dark place to be it is rather scary at times, I do have suicidal thoughts yet don’t think I would do it at least now, I wouldn’t want to hurt those few around me but sometimes they get so strong and they just seem to get more frequent, some days I feel decent and try and exercise, yoga, write, journal but I still feel so alone, don’t know how much has to do with the torment of my past trauma or trauma from my childhood I guess it’s both... thank u guys for reading my stuff and commenting like I have said it really sucks to feel isolated and alone at least I can vent my darkest truths on here and not be judged or looked at like a Freak... to all others that are going threw similar things I feel your pain and u are not alone try to reach down deep and find your inner strength that’s what I have to do daily just to survive!

So I’m sitting at a light today and I here hey next to me and it’s my PSYCHOPATH he’s trying to be nice and smile and asked me where I was going I just looked at him shook my head and took off we were going about 90 miles an hour then I finally lost him!!! Now I know for sure if not tonight it will be soon that he will just show up at my house I’m very proud of myself for not even talking to him and keeping him blocked but Im freaking out I need major support to keep my strength up usually I would be so fucked up I couldn’t even go to work I was hoping he didn’t live here anymore now I know he’s back!!!! I have to do it this time I can not even see him because I can’t take it my sanity it compromised, it’s a trauma bond and an addiction, he knows now I’m serious this time and I think he’s going to lose it because he’s finally losing control of me please help me I’m strong right now but most the time I become weak and I can’t afford to turn weak my mind and life depend on it!!!!!!

I had to double take and make sure I didn't write this and I forgot I did. I was in a 3 year relationship and he was physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive. He constantly cheated on me and when I would find out he would blame me because I was snooping and I would end up the one apologizing. Our last blow up happened because I found out he was sleeping with his daughter's mother again. He would tell her he loved her and couldn't wait to wake up with her everyday. I confronted him and it ended with him punching me in the face in front of his 6 year old daughter, and he threw me down some stairs. This happened on March 12 and I have missed him everyday since. I found out he immediately moved in with her. I don't sleep, I don't eat, I cry everyday and I think about him and them together constantly. I know I should be happy that they are out of my life, but it hurts that he is with her and not me. They both played me for a fool, but I feel like I have lost him to her. I know that everything I am feeling is the exact opposite of how I should feel, but my heart feels so empty.

First off I have to tell you how sorry I am for what your going threw and I want u to know you are not alone and I have felt exactly how you are feeling!!!
This seems weird to say but it is normal after you have been in abusive relationship, I was in one with a sadistic psychopath who got off on seeing me in pain, he is a pathological lier and he would do things to make me jealous and confused and just crazy then turn it around and say It was all me , or he would start to get violent it’s because i questioned him when he was doing something wrong ( and they hate to get caught) and no matter what he was doing in their eyes they can do no wrong plus they have no conscience ,no empathy he didn’t care how he treated me, but my love for him was real... I fell in love with pure evil in my case I fell in love with someone who I thought existed but it wasn’t the true him, he is pure evil., it was a mask he wore to get me to fall in love then the mask slowly came off ... .. it was never healthy and we have to learn that we deserve better than that!! We do!! It’s so hard to believe it after they just tear us down and betrayed us... mine did I lost everything to him,including my soul I almost ended it all but I knew he would probably get off on it that he had that much power cos that’s what’s its all about to them is power never love because they can’t love it’s all about being his possession... it has taken me the last year going no contact not really though because I would breakdown and see him and it would leave me feeling worse every time!!!! ( before that we were together two years) then unblocking him because I missed him even though everything he has done because I’m always remembering the good times but what I have learned is it’s not real it’s a defense mechanism so I don’t have to remember the trauma I went threw, he came up next to me today in a car and I just took off I was so proud of myself because finally I had some power because throughout our relationship he had all the power I always had to walk on eggshells so I wouldn’t piss him off because I would have to deal with that so I put all of my feelings down deep inside of me and became numb. A part of me wanted to unblock him today I’m not sure why maybe I was curious how he would act but my gut begging me not to and u know I do feel better I finally put myself first! Yet I know he will be knocking at my door and I prey I’m strong enough to not open it I go up and down still on that though, but honestly they never change I have done the same thing as you obsess about him who he is with ect... but who ever they are with will go threw the SAME EXACT thing we did so think about it do u really want to go threw that pain forever? I don’t that’s what I have to tell myself everyday and believe me I cry almost everyday we have been threw major trauma you have to show yourself forgiveness and self love and regain self respect and self dignity it’s a constant struggle and at times it will feel impossible but I assure u it is possible! Goggle abusive, toxic, psychopath people, if u can get a therapist I see one weekly, if u ever need to message me know that you are not alone and will make it threw this!!! I don’t know if I have mentioned this but I have been no contact for one month and 10 days so it’s new for me as well, I know this sucks but in time it will get easier you just have to keep him out of your life just like I do, stay strong and much love!