Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Im 44 Male, married 18 years together for 22. I have 2 boys 15 and 10.
Its been a rocky last few years and the wife had me served with divorce 3 months ago. She moved out about 2 weeks ago.
I have never cheated, drugs, booze or anything. I am an excellent father but I guess a not so good husband. I think my main fault was I paid too much attention to my kids and not enought with my wife.
For the majority of our marriage she did not work and stayed home with the kids. For the last 4 or 5 she has been working. Since the day she went back to work I would say is when our marriage started to go downhill.
No longer was her focus on our family but more about her job and things at work. Vacations she spend worried about things going on at work. She became obsessed and still is.
My philosophy was different. I went to work to live I did not live to work.
Anyway she has left we are in the middle of a divorce and my heart is broken. I got the I love you as the father of my children. Which to me means she does not love me. I know she loves our kids and It hurts me to see them going through this.
Im not sure if she is cheating but when I tell people things she has done they tell me that she is. I dont want to believe it and I really dont want to know. What difference does it make now.
Im not crying anymore and my oldest son is staying with me. He is mad at his mother and does not want to go over to see her. My youngest is going back and forth for now. I know its not ideal but it is what it is right now.
I setup a dinner with my oldest and his mom to try and get them talking again. But she spent most of that dinner on the phone with work. I picked him up and he was upset about it. She does not see the damage she is causing with our kids and it is killing me.
I have given up on saving the marriage. i was the only one trying and I cant do it alone. I find myself hoping that she will snap out of it but if she does not love me that is not going to happen. She is very selfish right now and has been for years. Almost like a mid life crisis.
Im taking zoloft because the stress was just too much for me. My life and everything I have worked for is over. I dont think I will ever find anyone else and will live the rest of my life alone.
There are questions I have that will never get answered. Why dont you lvoe me? How can you do this to the kids? When did you stop loving me?
Why do you hate me? I will never get those answered and it hurts.
After I got my attorney and put a stop to her trying to take everything she called me and was pannicked and upset. She is now more willing to split things and is almost giving me more than I want. Makes me think she is relieving some guilt.
I have not had any contact with her in weeks other than yesterday. She had the audocity to say "Maybe we can try again in a year". I guess im the backup plan now.
To sum up my current feelings... lost, ashamed, embarassed, hurt, mad, sad, and angry.
I keep reading that things get better and I hope so. But at the end of the day I will be without my wife, my kids will be from a broken home, and I will be alone.
How does anyone get through this?
Its been a rocky last few years and the wife had me served with divorce 3 months ago. She moved out about 2 weeks ago.
I have never cheated, drugs, booze or anything. I am an excellent father but I guess a not so good husband. I think my main fault was I paid too much attention to my kids and not enought with my wife.
For the majority of our marriage she did not work and stayed home with the kids. For the last 4 or 5 she has been working. Since the day she went back to work I would say is when our marriage started to go downhill.
No longer was her focus on our family but more about her job and things at work. Vacations she spend worried about things going on at work. She became obsessed and still is.
My philosophy was different. I went to work to live I did not live to work.
Anyway she has left we are in the middle of a divorce and my heart is broken. I got the I love you as the father of my children. Which to me means she does not love me. I know she loves our kids and It hurts me to see them going through this.
Im not sure if she is cheating but when I tell people things she has done they tell me that she is. I dont want to believe it and I really dont want to know. What difference does it make now.
Im not crying anymore and my oldest son is staying with me. He is mad at his mother and does not want to go over to see her. My youngest is going back and forth for now. I know its not ideal but it is what it is right now.
I setup a dinner with my oldest and his mom to try and get them talking again. But she spent most of that dinner on the phone with work. I picked him up and he was upset about it. She does not see the damage she is causing with our kids and it is killing me.
I have given up on saving the marriage. i was the only one trying and I cant do it alone. I find myself hoping that she will snap out of it but if she does not love me that is not going to happen. She is very selfish right now and has been for years. Almost like a mid life crisis.
Im taking zoloft because the stress was just too much for me. My life and everything I have worked for is over. I dont think I will ever find anyone else and will live the rest of my life alone.
There are questions I have that will never get answered. Why dont you lvoe me? How can you do this to the kids? When did you stop loving me?
Why do you hate me? I will never get those answered and it hurts.
After I got my attorney and put a stop to her trying to take everything she called me and was pannicked and upset. She is now more willing to split things and is almost giving me more than I want. Makes me think she is relieving some guilt.
I have not had any contact with her in weeks other than yesterday. She had the audocity to say "Maybe we can try again in a year". I guess im the backup plan now.
To sum up my current feelings... lost, ashamed, embarassed, hurt, mad, sad, and angry.
I keep reading that things get better and I hope so. But at the end of the day I will be without my wife, my kids will be from a broken home, and I will be alone.
How does anyone get through this?
NMT4M - First let me say: I have been in your shoes and I am so sorry. The things you mention about wanting answers, you may eventually get them, don't rule that out. In the meantime, write them down. At least you will get them out of your head where they are swimming around and making you nuts.
Second, everyone handles separation differently. In your case, I think as more time passes, you will see that there were signs along the way to this point but for whatever reason, you chose not to see them. I think we are all guilty of that at some point in our relationships.
Lastly, things will get better for you and yes, you will eventually move on and meet someone you like. It may not happen for a while but you will reach a point where you will be ok and want to have someone in your life. Until then, stay on this site and talk to others. It will help because you have your anonymity here and can say what you need to in order to get through it.
Hugs
You have been and continue to be a strong father, and right now that is what's most important. You have built a legacy of love for your kids which is what will stand for them as the foundation through this difficult process. Continue to support them in every way you can. You're not alone, you have them. And someday once this shitstorm has passed, you may also find another partner, but either way it goes, it will be OK. It doesn't make the "right now" easier, no, but this is the worst it will ever be, and it can only get better.
I know unanswered questions are very hard. Try working through that with a therapist. I have my own unanswered questions with my ex and it's eating away at me. For now I write things down and try to reationalize the other person's problems....it helps.
You have every right to feel what you're feeling. Keep up with the self care and don't be afraid to reach out here.
I'm 16 months out. The grief is lessened and bearable. The loss, embarrassment, hurt, anger.. all still here but the magnitude is less and much less volatile.
For me, I found it useful to focus on 2 or 3 really impt things and cut myself slack on everything else. The important things were like a lighthouse pulling me thru. Reach out and find others who has gone thru it. It is impossible to understand unless you've been thru it. I didn't know anyone, but once I started paying attention, I did find a few "mentors" who were very kind with their support.
And, keep breathing. Take it day by day.
Good luck!
I told her again that this was it and I would not be plan B. It hurt to tell her that. In the back of my mind I want to think we will be together again but I know deep down it aint gonna happen.
I tried looking at dating sites last night. Very depressing. Im too old for this crap and too young to be alone.
On the bright side when I took her the papers today she looked like crap. I didnt like her hair or makeup or anything she was wearing. That made me feel better for some reason.
Any way I could use some kind words today. Got a feeling im gonna be down the rest of the day.
As much as you love her, you did the right thing to gather your dignity and tell her that you're no plan "b". You're not anybody's second best.
As for the dating sites, I would stay off of them for the time being. You're not completely divorced yet and you're not healed from the trauma of the ending of your marriage. It's best to wait until you are ready for a relationship to start dating again.
When you are ready, perhaps there are some meet-up groups in your area that focus on some of your interests? That would be the ideal way to meet someone, in my opinion.
Hang in there...
But not for a while. I want to get my head straight. But I dont want to be lonely.
Your ideas sound excellent for when you're ready! : )