Breakups & Divorce Support Group
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Been walking away from this pseudo relationship, from my guy "best friend" and I talked to him about things are not going to be the same. We had some trips out of town and just a few days ago, something in our conversation just pushed the button and it's one of those "I had enough of this BS moment for me" so I blocked him from FB, removed his number and removed him from my IMs.
I got everything planned out in my journey to moving on and letting go -- within days I was able to have my gym membership, enrolled in a swimming class and buried my head to work. Then last night, for some reason, he IM'd me, making small talks -- and I told him to be straight to the point and simply ask what he wants to know, etc. He said he don't understand, he said he's going to his parents' house and wanted to tell me how excited he is to see his family. I don't think he realized I blocked him in FB at all but that's OK, I did it for me and not for him anyway.
The crazy part is this -- that same night, I had a dream -- that he and I are getting married -- in our wedding, non traditional --like those of wedding of the Arctic Northern tribe...and his family's there, my friends and family are there too, it's a very laid back, smooth flowing wedding-- we are in this part of exchanging vows and presenting significant stuff to each other -- and I can remember me showing 3 lumps of loose hairs from painting brush soaked in different colors, and other stuff we shared together -- i remembered clearly that I told him -- the colored brush represents our relationship, that not everything is black and white and that our journey is nothing but colorful. He was looking at me, his most radiant face, smiling --- then I woke up -- and I swear my first reaction was -- wth was that?!
I don't understand, I am trying to let go of this person but my mind seem to be fighting against it. I am upset in a way because I loved everything in that dream and a big part of me knows and feel that I am imagining all of it and that in reality, he has a lot of work to do in finding himself and that he doesn't even know what he wants and says that he do not want a relationship at the moment.
I want to get him out of the system but I don't think he really understands that ..or doesn't really want that. I had a feeling that I was being mean to him -- and yet, I think about all the painful stuff -- and it breaks my heart -- I have not forgiven him yet. It feels like he wanted me to really know him and understand him and love him -- but he can't be expected to do the same for me. He'll do it his way.
I am sad -- because it makes me question whether I have issues or I have justifications to walk away. I don't want to settle for anything less, I do deserve a man who will own up to his attraction to me and not make me feel that I am the "best friend", an excuse to keep me around and be the spare tire.
Am I asking too much?
Sorry for the long post but I am welcoming any inputs from you -- it's a confusing time for me -- and everyone has been supportive -- and yet maybe I also need to know if I am to blame for all of this or I am over-analyzing things -- or I am simply screwed :(
Really appreciate all your inputs in advance.
-soul
I got everything planned out in my journey to moving on and letting go -- within days I was able to have my gym membership, enrolled in a swimming class and buried my head to work. Then last night, for some reason, he IM'd me, making small talks -- and I told him to be straight to the point and simply ask what he wants to know, etc. He said he don't understand, he said he's going to his parents' house and wanted to tell me how excited he is to see his family. I don't think he realized I blocked him in FB at all but that's OK, I did it for me and not for him anyway.
The crazy part is this -- that same night, I had a dream -- that he and I are getting married -- in our wedding, non traditional --like those of wedding of the Arctic Northern tribe...and his family's there, my friends and family are there too, it's a very laid back, smooth flowing wedding-- we are in this part of exchanging vows and presenting significant stuff to each other -- and I can remember me showing 3 lumps of loose hairs from painting brush soaked in different colors, and other stuff we shared together -- i remembered clearly that I told him -- the colored brush represents our relationship, that not everything is black and white and that our journey is nothing but colorful. He was looking at me, his most radiant face, smiling --- then I woke up -- and I swear my first reaction was -- wth was that?!
I don't understand, I am trying to let go of this person but my mind seem to be fighting against it. I am upset in a way because I loved everything in that dream and a big part of me knows and feel that I am imagining all of it and that in reality, he has a lot of work to do in finding himself and that he doesn't even know what he wants and says that he do not want a relationship at the moment.
I want to get him out of the system but I don't think he really understands that ..or doesn't really want that. I had a feeling that I was being mean to him -- and yet, I think about all the painful stuff -- and it breaks my heart -- I have not forgiven him yet. It feels like he wanted me to really know him and understand him and love him -- but he can't be expected to do the same for me. He'll do it his way.
I am sad -- because it makes me question whether I have issues or I have justifications to walk away. I don't want to settle for anything less, I do deserve a man who will own up to his attraction to me and not make me feel that I am the "best friend", an excuse to keep me around and be the spare tire.
Am I asking too much?
Sorry for the long post but I am welcoming any inputs from you -- it's a confusing time for me -- and everyone has been supportive -- and yet maybe I also need to know if I am to blame for all of this or I am over-analyzing things -- or I am simply screwed :(
Really appreciate all your inputs in advance.
-soul
Some of us even are so attuned that we can tell if it is a relationship we want to fight for or that isn't worth our effort. I believe you are pretty well in tune with yourself.
I would block his instant messages and if you can't, I would not respond to them. I would let him go. I REALLY sense you have had enough and don't want this relationship so don't try to be friends and just let it go and let him go.
As to your dream, anxiety from talking to him on the instant message could have impacted your dreams. Dreams are not necessarily what you desire. I was having PTSD nightmares of my abuser attacking me and killing me. Obviously, that was NOT what I wanted. I would get odd dreams from different things I encountered during the day, and the therapist said, it can end up in your dreams in a silly way that really means nothing. So I had to stop trying to look at dreams to figure out what they meant.
For me, dreams are like my brain emptying out at the end of the day. So let the dream go. Many hugs.
I have also come to the conclusion that somehow, I have allowed this to myself -- and that in a way, I am being unfair to him that I am pushing him away because this is more of an internal struggle for me. I think I made myself clear the last time that I ought to move on -- and he wants to keep the friendship.
The thing that set me off was kinda shallow, I was just asking him to post pictures from our last trip since I do not have the copy --and he kept saying he will then always say he is lazy. What set me off was the lame excuse -- and really, I wanted to tell him that he has tons of lame excuses that's why he can't find himself and that's why he doesn't know what he wants. He entertains the excuses rather than focusing on the important reasons.
I know he does not want any commitments because it's an excuse for him not to be hurt again or give himself away -- excuse not to lose himself in a relationship -- rather than focusing on the reason that this is a chance for a brand new start. Being his "best friend" is an excuse not to lose me because he needs me but can't commit to me...excuses, excuses..sometimes, it just comes to the point that heck-- I've heard it all, done with it.
The pictures I wanted, he knew I really wanted it -- he knows it means a big deal to me ( aside from I spent a huge amount of money for that adventure, I wanted so much to show it to family and friends ) -- and yet, knowing how much I wanted it, he opts to give in to excuses rather than really understand why I am bugging him about it -- he failed to see the reason why it is important to me. I could have understand if he was busy -- but being lazy as an excuse kinda set me off --- where's the effort to understanding me this time? ..it's a little thing but there were a lot of little things that I've let him off the hook..and maybe I am to be blamed for it too..but now, I really want to take a stand and just be with someone who won't make me as an excuse why they can't be in relationships and stop making excuses why they can't pull their life together or give back the same understanding and value that I give to them.
Having to live with this pseudo relationship for 3 years was me also making excuses of not being able to commit -- and finally waking up from it made me realize that I am not a lost cause -- that I can make commitments, if I was able to commit myself with this guy, then I can make it with a guy who can actually commit to me and it wouldn't be as confusing, frustrating and painful. I told him, the things we do are the things I wanted to to do with someone who is in with me for a long haul -- someone who I don't want to second guess, someone who can give it straight and just say yes, let's do this together, I'm with you -- not a guy who would stick around because it's convenient for him and hide me in the blanket of friendship when he obviously knows we're more than that.
It feels like I have as much reasons to stay with him and walk away from him -- in the end I just ask myself -- is this making me happy or am I settling? I know it sounds selfish -- but I do deserve that commitment --that feeling of stability --if I am going to invest my time and emotions further in the future, I need that truce and I need his commitment --- but if he's not feeling I am that person, I will have to put him at the backseat and simply stop being that same person. I still care...but maybe I care about more of the person I want him to be rather than who he really is right now.
It's a long response -- but I just want to get it off my chest. Part of it is I know that he is that way towards me because I let him -- he wasn't unkind -- and I know he loves me and I feel he will try to win me back -- a huge part of me wants that -- but there's a huge part of me that also wants more than that --but reality bites, farewell to the dream... maybe someday I'll have that cool wedding, a real one..with someone who genuinely want to have it with me.
Thanks Time..I really find comfort in your responses.
In fact, their happiness has to be provided by us as they can't find it from themselves. They "leech it" from us.
I believe we do no favor to them and us by allowing it to continue or when it is over, to remain friends. They will try hard to keep in contact so they can "leech" what they need. I personally would drop him.
Happiness comes from each of us and not from another person so he needs serious therapy to find that out and find happiness within himself. He also has other issues to work on. That he can't make commitments is another reason to let him go permanently and not remain friends.
I think your inner self-protectiveness was telling you to not commit to him and to get away. Stick with that and get away. And take this relationship as a lesson and don't repeat this relationship. Many hugs.