Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
So due to recent fuck ups, I've realized it's about time to start coming to terms with one of my issues.
One thing I've realized is that I'm a follower. In any given situation with other people, I follow. I change myself to meet the atmosphere or expectations of the other person or group. I know this is normal to a point, and I'm not terribly bad with it, but I do it emotionally. I compromise myself to save face, or to be liked, or to avoid confrontation. In other ways though I'm pretty confident. I was in a leadership position in my last job and did very well (everyone liked me lol). I think part of it is just my personality: easy going, respectful, compassionate, and humble. But sometimes I think I let it get too far?
In my marriage, my wife was going through a lot of shit. She pushed me away physically and emotionally, causing intense feelings of rejection. I tried to call her out on her shit now and then, but it always ended up being my fault again. I see now that I accepted more guilt and blame than I should have, believing it easier to keep the peace; and a liitle like she wouldn't love me unless I did. And she has a masters in psych, wouldn't she know better? She really was manipulative and treated my emotions like crap sometimes, and I just took it, as usual.
I hate to be cliche, but I can't avoid the possibility of it having something to do with my growing up in an emotionally abusive environment.. Never feeling good enough, always a failure, guilt. Having it shoved down your throat every day that you'll never amount to anything. Never being able to please?
I guess I should come clean with the context... I had a date the other day that lets just say went too far. Farther than I should have let it go. I got so caught up in my emotions, and lack of emotions that I compromised myself once again for the sake of the other person. I know that the majority of the problem lies with the crap I'm going through with the divorce, and that I wasn't as ready as I thought I was, but I also recognize the underlying issue poking it's nose out. I should have been able to speak up much earlier to the fact that I wasn't ready. Part of me just wanted so badly to be ready, to have moved on, and I think the false security I have from the emotional numbness and indifference after getting laid off and moving back in with the stbx is a huge part of that. But shouldn't I have been more able to control myself?
There's so much more to the story than this, but any advice would be appreciated. Go ahead and rake me over the coals for not listening to DS in the first place; I'm much harder on myself for hurting this girl through my own failures than you could imagine. Won't happen again that's for sure.
Thanks.
One thing I've realized is that I'm a follower. In any given situation with other people, I follow. I change myself to meet the atmosphere or expectations of the other person or group. I know this is normal to a point, and I'm not terribly bad with it, but I do it emotionally. I compromise myself to save face, or to be liked, or to avoid confrontation. In other ways though I'm pretty confident. I was in a leadership position in my last job and did very well (everyone liked me lol). I think part of it is just my personality: easy going, respectful, compassionate, and humble. But sometimes I think I let it get too far?
In my marriage, my wife was going through a lot of shit. She pushed me away physically and emotionally, causing intense feelings of rejection. I tried to call her out on her shit now and then, but it always ended up being my fault again. I see now that I accepted more guilt and blame than I should have, believing it easier to keep the peace; and a liitle like she wouldn't love me unless I did. And she has a masters in psych, wouldn't she know better? She really was manipulative and treated my emotions like crap sometimes, and I just took it, as usual.
I hate to be cliche, but I can't avoid the possibility of it having something to do with my growing up in an emotionally abusive environment.. Never feeling good enough, always a failure, guilt. Having it shoved down your throat every day that you'll never amount to anything. Never being able to please?
I guess I should come clean with the context... I had a date the other day that lets just say went too far. Farther than I should have let it go. I got so caught up in my emotions, and lack of emotions that I compromised myself once again for the sake of the other person. I know that the majority of the problem lies with the crap I'm going through with the divorce, and that I wasn't as ready as I thought I was, but I also recognize the underlying issue poking it's nose out. I should have been able to speak up much earlier to the fact that I wasn't ready. Part of me just wanted so badly to be ready, to have moved on, and I think the false security I have from the emotional numbness and indifference after getting laid off and moving back in with the stbx is a huge part of that. But shouldn't I have been more able to control myself?
There's so much more to the story than this, but any advice would be appreciated. Go ahead and rake me over the coals for not listening to DS in the first place; I'm much harder on myself for hurting this girl through my own failures than you could imagine. Won't happen again that's for sure.
Thanks.
And forgive yourself for being human. You are in good company with that:-) Healing hugs, Kimmee
My therapist is trained in EMDR which is a reprocessing of childhood trauma and she thinks that EMDR can change my attitude of myself brought on by my childhood emotional abuse.
Google EMDR and see if you think it might help you. I haven't had a complete session yet, but I think it's a step in the right direction.
Godspeed to you and keep up the good work!
Advice just provides paths. We aren't, or shouldn't be attached to what you do with the information provided. So there's no purpose in raking you over the coals.
In addition, sometimes people need to go into the woods by themselves, it's okay to ask if they would like your company, but maybe shouldn't take offense when they say no.
(((((((Windclimber))))) I think a lot of us seek validation that we are attractive, lovable, etc. after being rejected by their spouse. Very normal. Take some time for you, though. Sounds like you are doing some healthy self-discovery. I'm looking hard at myself, too. It's tough work! Hang in there.
Not too long after my divorce, I found myself in a position where I believed I compromised everything I stood for because of the both the immediate trauma I just went through, and the lifelong personal struggles that I have contended with - struggles which aren't all that dissimilar to yours. I described that moment as an emotional Hindenburg, setting my recovery back drastically. For nearly a year I tortured myself for my lack of good judgment. It haunted me. With the help of a very special person, I was finally able to put in perspective. The fact that I let it eat away at me for so long did me no good at all. You made an all-too-human error. And based on what you've disclosed here, you've owned up to and learned from it. Don't hold onto the guilt. Let it go. Easier said than done...trust me I know! But the positive that came out of this is that you recognized your momentary lapse...it doesn't speak of your character which to me is strong.
There is no such thing as failure if you learn from it
All the best to you
SD40
And hey... I could use a little practice in letting go myself :)
Big hugs.
Lynne
There is a famous quote from Thomas Edison: "I have not failed, I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
Well, you just found one way that didn't work for you. Take note and move on. At least, that's how I'm playing it.
You can do this.
Just one more thing to process I guess. My parents and I have a great relationship now. I've come to terms with that part of my past, I just need to figure out how to stop it from affecting me now. I feel like me finally getting out on my own will help with my confidence.
Cant' get this song out of my head, but it helps:
God only knows all the places I've been
But I love this life that I'm livin' in
I won't look back to regret yesterday
We're not handed tomorrow so I live for today