Hello and welcome to the group. My situation is a lot like your own, my wife is choosing to leave me after 12 years and we have an 11yr old daughter. I desperately don't want our marriage to end either, but she insists its the only way as she isn't happy anymore. I am concerned about my wife and my daughter being on their own and me not being able to be there to help them and do things for them, but this is what she wants.

What caused the break down in your relationship?

Hello and welcome. I know you will find friends here. My marriage of 21 years is ending so I understand the devastation but I also understand knowing in your heart you have to let it go and that is extremely painful.

Debbie. Are you looking for a solution as well as support? If you are looking for a solution, it would help me if you shed some light on the some of the details of the toxicity.

Hi NewBeginning, yes, I am looking for a solution as well as for some support. In terms of the toxicity, it is kind of complicated. Let's just say that things have deteriorated enough that we won't be civil or talk to each other unless we are in front of our daughter. The crux of the issue for me is that my husband is not reliable. We will make an agreement for him to do something (e.g., contact her school or pay a bill) and my husband will not do it (around 80% of the time). I, of course, become upset when what he said he would do doesn't get done -- especially when it has consequences (e.g, for my credit). He also lied to me about something pretty major. And there are other issues as well.

Hello there, I understand your situation as mine is so very similar... for me, my husband blamed depression for half of our 20 year relationship as to why he couldn't do the things that he promised to do... so he sat around the house and only worked while i did everything for our house and kids and I work a more than full time job...

I took what he was saying for truth, but then he got promoted at work... so I thought okay maybe now he can do some of the things he says he will but when the pressure came to get them done... nicely - really I was nice...he said that things are too hard and so he left... yes... he left our 20 year relationship because they were too hard for HIM!!!

little did he know how hard the world really was because 2 weeks after moving out he was suddenly a different person and wanted to come home.

I just can't though... he's left so many times before when things got too "hard" and I just don't trust him any longer. it's too hard on our children and like you I won't let him get away with it any more which will mean that we will be fighting so much more often...

it just isn't worth it. hang in there. I feel guilty too because he's desperate to come home now... and I just can't. I feel soo badly about that and now - even though he's the one that left - I feel like i'm the one who is causing this pain.

UGH!

Hi Slabel, It does sound like we are in similar situations. Let me know if you want to chat. Stand strong and best of luck with everything.

Oh my gosh. This story, and that of Slabel is so familiar to me. My husband has left me 3 times in the last 5 years. (total mid life crisis) and each time has begged me to come back. Each time I have let him after his declarations of undying love for me. We have been married 15 years, together for 20. I gave up having children because he didn't want any so our pups are our kids. This last time (each had another woman involved via facebook (pure fantasy online long distance relationship) I divorced him and he signed the house over to me. Again, he is begging to come home. I very much miss him (or who he used to be) and my pups miss him. We were a family. But I am afraid to let him come home because I fear it will happen again and that maybe he only wants to get back in to have equity in the house he gave me. I'm so lonely and sad and don't know what to do.

The mental anguish of staying in a relationship that is not good for you is not healthy physically or emotionally. In my case, I just couldnt take the stress anymore of living with someone who would turn their back on me and walk away while i was s till speaking, would turn around problems that he created onto me and how totally ignored out family and rarely participated in anyway. Topped off with an email affair with his ex. It is hard to go and it is still hard after you go to process the loss of a lengthy relationship, but its better than suffering long-term mental pain staying in relationship that borders on emotionally abusive sort of short term pain, long term gain. Be strong and do what is best for you. This site will help you get through the tough times to come and in the long run you will be better off for it, although that may be hard to believe at times.

Staying in a toxic situation isn't good for you or your daughter. Although it's tough, you're making the right decision.

Have you consulted an attorney? I don't know what the law is on alimony in your state but where I'm from he'd likely be entitled to it given the length of your marriage and the fact that your the primary breadwinner. Make sure you're documenting your fixed expenses so you can limit any claim he may have.

Wow, sounds like I wrote this!! We were married 9 but together 14 years and our daughter was 6 at the time. My ex was and continues to be irresponsible and made some very bad choices and lied about some major things. I also was the main bread winner as was afraid of what would happen if I left. It has been a year and a half now and although it still hurts a little, I am doing better without him. I no longer feel that extra burden and like I am going to lose my mind. My credit is also improving and I'm in a better situation overall. He, however, continues to struggle financially and is in a bad financial situation. He is still irresponsible. I no longer feel it is my responsibility to help him, though. Your daughter needs a mentally healthy mother. You have already tried counseling so you at least know you gave it a chance should you decide to leave. Feel free to message me for support.