Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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detroitfan 02/04/2011

My H and I have been separated now for almost 4mos. We see each other and do things together 5=6 times a week (with the kids, sometimes with just our couple friends). Short recap: he left me because I was nagging, belittling, anxiety/depressed. I have gotten lots of counseling and anxiety meds. He refuses to come home, says it is not gonna happen but when I tell him all the stuff we do together will end if he won't try and work on marriage he just keeps on doing stuff together. I keep on doing it too because I want to reconcile and I want the kids here not at his apt.

Anyway, kids 11 and 8 have been so strong. They were told in Oct. that mommy and daddy had been arguing a lot and sometimes when adults fight they need to take time apart. Well, it has been a lot of time (to them) and they are starting to cry and miss him after he leaves in the eveninngs. They cling to him when they hug him goodbye. I haven't ever said a bad thing about him but it is so hard to hide my sorrow from them. They know i want us to get back together. I just don't know what to do for my kids? When he visits they get so excited and then just go back and forth hugging he and I.

I hug them and cuddle all evening when it is TV time. We still do regular friend things. The problem as I see it is my H and I USED to argueand i was previoulsy tense a lot because of my underlying anxiety problems. So now that those issues have been mostly alleviated the kids are happy. My H and I get along when he is here and now the kids want us more than ever (not that it was ever BAD for them but now it is much nicer). My H is still distant and not warm to me. But when our friends are around it is like he never moved out. My kids are my world and I want them to be ok. I am so sad. My H is also an awesome dad. Was always an awesome H to me. So I bear a lot of guilt and he is carrying a lot of bitterness and resentment.

Thanks.

deleted_user 02/04/2011

It sounds like he wants his freedom and family life too. I understand you want him back but it don't sound like he wants a family full time. If he does not want the family life then I think he needs to slowly be apart more often it is only harming the kids emotions.

new2this2 02/04/2011

I would make sure he sees the kids just as much but away from you. It sounds like there has been too much damage done and he doesn't want to reconcile. As painful as that is there isn't anything you can do to change his mind. It's good that you got help and are improving yourself but it should be for you and not your marriage. I would get a bit more distance between the two of you so the kids know they can still have a father and mother even if they are not living together. The transition my kids went through when my ex and I split was like yours. They wanted us both in the same place so they could be with both of us. We lived within a few miles of each other and made sure that we had equal time with them. They moved through the process pretty easily only because we both reinforced our love for them.

Try not to be so hard on yourself. We do the best we can with what we have. Be thankful you have such a good father for your kids and try to concentrate on yourself. (((HUGS)))

deleted_user 02/04/2011

I'm your H in our relationship (although my stbx has done far worse to me than you, it seems). Anyway, my two cents for some perspective. We're in therapy, but in my heart I know that if he improves, it's too little too late. There are just things, words, actions that stbx can't undo and take back. So while I hope my husband improves for the sake of his own health and my two kids, my view is that this relationship is beyond repair.

deleted_user 02/04/2011

Sounds like your in a tough spot especially when it must be nice to have him around for the kids but have you thought he's getting the best of both worlds. He gets to "be married and go home single" especially if your still going out as a couple. What is all this contact going to do to you if he follows thru with a divorce? I hope your able to work it out, but he has already gotten an apartment. you may want to prepare yourself in case it goes the other way and it will help you be stronger for the kids in case it does happen. Best of luck.

deleted_user 02/04/2011

Seems to me he has the best of both worlds. You are only going to get hurt if this continues. As he is taking things slowly so should you.

If I were you I'd back off and allow him to do things with your children alone sometimes. If this continues he will never make a decision and you will live in limbo forever.

It's better to have an answer now before you become more attached and the marriage is not going to be repaired.

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