A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'I'm sure that must have embarrassed you so let me pay for your
dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks They talk, they laugh, she shares her
deepest dreams and he listens, he shares his and she listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come
to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They have a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the
trimmings. The guy is amazed and totally impressed. Everything had been SO incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? '

'No,' she replies. . . .

'You just happened to catch my eye.'

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger standing in a pouring down rain is asking for a push. "Not a chance" says the husband - "It's three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was it?" asks his wife.
"Just a drunken stranger asking for a push" he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I didn't - it's three in the morning and raining like hell out there!"
"Well you've got a short memory" says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on the freeway and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him."
The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain and calls out into the dark. "Hello - are you still there?"
"Yes," comes the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing" the drunk replies.

A woman had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As she sat down, a man came along and asked her if anyone is sitting in the seat next to her.

"No," she said, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

Somberly, the woman says, "Well... the seat actually belongs to me. I was supposed to come here with my husband, but he passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we have not been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that, that's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The woman shakes her head, "No, they're all at the funeral."

A preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week."

Father Murphy was a priest in a very poor parish and asked for suggestions as to how he could raise money for the church. He was told that the horse owner always had money, so he went to the horse auction, but made a very poor buy, as the horse turned out to be a donkey.
However, he thought he might as well enter the donkey in a race. The donkey came in third, and the next morning, the headlines in the paper read:
FATHER MURPHY'S ASS SHOWS
The Archbishop saw the paper and was greatly displeased. The next day, the donkey came in first and the headlines read:
FATHER MURPHY'S ASS OUT IN FRONT
The Archbishop was up in arms. Something had to be done. Father Murphy had entered the donkey again and it had come in second. The headlines read.
FATHER MURPHY'S ASS BACK IN PLACE
This was too much for the Archbishop, so he forbade the priest to enter the donkey in any more races. The headlines then read:
ARCHBISHOP SCRATCHES FATHER MURPHY'S ASS
Finally, the Archbishop ordered Father Murphy to get rid of the donkey. He was unable to sell it, so he gave it to Sister Agatha for a pet. The Archbishop ordered her to dispose of the animal at once. She sold it for ten dollars. Next day, the headlines read:
SISTER AGATHA PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN DOLLARS
They buried the Archbishop three days later.

The Husband lays dying, with his wife by his bedside...He says in a weak voice " There's something I must confess" "Shhh". said the wife, "There's nothing to confess. Everything's all right." "No" the husband replied "I must die in peace. I had sex with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and ur best friends mom!" "I know," she whispered "That's why I poisoned you, you bastard, now close your eyes"....

Jack and Jill were just married....... Jack said to Jill "Try on my trousers." Jill said, "I can't do that, they are too big." Jack said, "Exactly, always remember I wear the trousers in this house and always will." Jill said, "You try on my knickers." Jack said, "I'll never get in them." Jill said, "Exactly, and if you don't change your f#$king attitude, you never will!