i am sorry you are hurting so bad friend. i wish i could take the pain away from you - shoulder it awhile - so you could have a break from it.

i think having 2 such life altering losses in the period of 2 years - the loss of your marriage and the loss of your mum - is a lot to endure. from my perspective, even though i know you are exhausted of it, you seem to be having a normal reaction. you were just starting to rebuild your life - an entire new foundation - after the loss of your marriage - you were just getting around to really coping with it - and your mum fell ill.

i dont feel like 2 years is that long. not that there is any time frame on it anyway. with the history you and your ex wife have, having the ties to her of your 3 children and having to see her completely destorying herself on a routine basis is hard to endure. having to rebuild your foundation on top of that and then losing your mum - wow!! go easy on yourself sweet friend.

i am almost 18 months post divorce. i had no children with matt (well, katherine - but you understand my point) and knew him/was married to him a fraction of the time you were and i still get turned inside out - completely leveled. i dont think 2 years is any time at all.

i know its got to be a lot - that its got to be exhausting. and i am glad you are coming here and sharing about it. you are doing all one person can do - taking it a day at a time, focusing on your kids, exercising, socializing. it really is coming together - its slow i know - but it is. remember where you were on new years a year ago? leaps and bounds. leaps and bounds. and i know thats not what you want to hear - that its going to take more time. i wish that wasnt the case. but with the huge hits you have had its just going to take more time. more doing what you are doing. crying is good. laughing with your princess daughter is good. exercising is good. socializing and not isolating is good. you are doing all the right things. your body is just still in injured mode.

its like you are still in a full body cast. its gotten looser - you can move around a bit easier - but you are still healing - you are still fragile. and since you are doing the work from the inside out, it takes longer.

we are here for you - every step of the way. xoxo

the only thing that works for me is to release her to love on her present man. apparently he needs her and she feels it proper to love on him more than me. who am i to question that? it is bigger than me and even if it makes no sense or seem fair, it is the only way for me to have any peace in my heart about it.

JMO the period of time we grieve often resembles the time we loved, the longer the time frame, the stronger the bind, the deeper the love, so to is the time of grieving.

When you took your vows, I'm reasonably sure there was a portion relating to sickness and health, death do we part or some facsimile. Those words you took to heart, imbedded them in your mind for an eternity, thing is, your eternity and hers were not synced.
Be proud of your resilience, your seeking out help, journaling, being good to yourself. In time, the void you feel, will fill in with other things, a new hobby, a new passion, and some day, you will awaken, not feeling empty and exhausted, but enlightened to the time you spent with her, and excited with the future in your hands.

Peace be with you man, it is a very strenuous painstaking emotional road you ride, believe me, others have made the journey and so too, will you.

I think you answered your own question:

"I am know longer in love with my wife but I miss our marriage and being a family. "

You are sad about losing the dream you had of family and marriage. That is why you are still sad. You don't have to give up that dream, you just need to modify the way it looks in your mind.

The new dream of marriage and family will no longer be between you and your ex-wife. It may be with another woman. Your children will still be there in that dream, but you may also have another person's children to enjoy as part of the picture. Adding new possibilities to your former idea of family and marriage should feel like a positive idea.

While you still hold on to the idea that marriage, a family, and happiness can only exist between you and your wife, you will still continue to be sad.

for whatever reason, your heart still needs time
to cry
to miss
to say goodbye

PTSD maybe? Was there a traumatic event when you divorced? The symptoms are overwhelming thoughts and these are easily triggered. They are so intrusive they take over all other emotional life. It can be you might have a degree of this. I am not qualified to diagnose but it maybe a possibility. The good news is it is treatable. And you band DIY if it isn't too severe. It is or not this might help. CBT therapy.

http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/

@ Mizmeow.......I agree, I don't want to add labels but I think you may be right....it was extreme traumatic separation ......I need to dig deeper

TML,I may not be the best qualified to advise you as I am now entering divorce. However, although I am no longer in love with him I miss the life I once had as the wife in a 'whole' family. Marriage is a beautiful thing when it is working and it is such a powerful thing that even when it isn't working the way it should (barring physical and emotional abuse)it still has very positive effects on one's well being. I don't know how spiritual you are, but my belief is that marriage is sealed by God, and this is why the bond is so strong. The Christian God says he hates divorce and we can all see why. I too am having a hard time because my estranged husband doesn't want the divorce, he wants to 'change' and make it work. There are a few divorcees I know who are telling me to give him another chance because divorce is the worst thing to happen to a family. I keep hearing that the bond with your first husband/wife never breaks...I wonder if that is true. Anyway, I am sorry for your pain and I tend to feel that when you find your new love most of this confusion will disappear. Blessings.

TML.

I had very traumatic separation my first time. It took a year and a half to get safely with my children. It took a long time for me to move forward, but ultimately it didn't happen until I let go. Until I accepted that bad stuff happened to good people and I decided it was time to stop crying and move one.

You need to find what it is in you that you have to accept inside of yourself and decide when to let it go, and when it is time to stop crying and move on. Digging deeper may not be the answer. Forgiving yourself, or rewriting a beleif may be.

Angela

Did you mention spending Christmas in the house with her? I don't know your situation, but I find that things like that tend to pull me down further for quite a while afterward. Definitely messes with my head.

I wish you much peace. XO

Like most of us here your marriage was your identity. I am not a man, but I think men need a purpose driven life. While your family was intact you had a purpose.

I don't think there is anything wrong with you. You seem to be doing everything right to work through the process. I know when it comes to fitness and working out....sometime you hit a plateau.....perhaps you have hit one with your healing.
((((HUGS))))

@ NEKJA I did spend Christmas @ the house and it was terrible for me inside......the kids were happy that we were together as a family but it took it's toll on me.

It been two years....the grief has got to go....but I feel that guilt I still harbor is the root cause.

Guilt is a burden that keeps you from giving yourself fully and freely to the present.

well, since it sounds like you know what the root cause is (your guilt) then perhaps its time to revisit a therapist and focus soley on that. maybe once you break it down with a 3rd party - peel it apart - get to the core - then you can see it, make peace with it and start to rebuild.

knowing what the core problem is can be your first step towards a solution.

xoxo

hey TML checkout the CBT site. Its free. One of the tactics they use if your triggering thoughts thats are unwanted and excessive is to consciously learn to identify when them as soon as you have them. Some veterans have them all the time. And they use this exact method. Then substitute the thought by consciouly and with effort a different thought. Sometimes it helps in the beginning to get yourself out of the house. Or drive your car and listen to a radio station only you would like and not you ex, or take a shower. Your breaking up the thought pattern. Its a form of bio feedback in that you are self monitoring your thoughts. After some time, litttle by little , you will find that you are not always thinking or rehashimg the past. In some cases, in is not a matter of time, its a matter of redirecting your thoughts. If you really want to heal faster and not rely on time. Who knows how long, right?

The fact you posted here and feel it is becoming a problem for you is a good sign that you want to do something about it. And you are tired of these patterns. Sure everyone relates to what you are going thru. But ut sounds like you are up for a change.