Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Hello all,
I'm not sure I'm posting in the right place but here it goes. I was on this site a while ago and it helped me stay away from my toxic ex. Long story short about the toxic ex: together 10 years, he emotionally and psychologically abused me, cheated on me multiple times, manipulated me, lied to me, made literally everything wrong in our relationship my fault, made me feel like I wasn't enough on multiple occasions and to add the cherry on top screwed one of my best friends while we were "broken up" (it was 2-3 days max) and got her pregnant with his kid which he neglected to tell me about for over a year. I found out thru a Facebook message from someone I didn't know....
So its been 7 months now. I'm still completely done with my ex and I've been civil regarding our shared custody of our dog. I've moved into a new home that I love. I have a pretty good support system of friends and family. But I'm noticing I'm starting to want to be with someone, like a relationship type thing. I haven't met anyone or even tried dating. My ex screwed my head up pretty bad; more like really bad. I want to move on, but I'm scared of being devastated again. I'm afraid to put myself out there. I'm afraid of not being enough to someone again. I'm afraid of not being enough again in comparison to new vagina. I'm just don't ever think I'll be enough for someone to not want to risk losing me. So there's my spiel, my dilemma. I've talked to my friends and my therapist about how I feel. And while they have great suggestions and feed back I just can't feel I can move on from how I feel inside.
Thanks
-
-
I had gone to the grocery store. When I wheeled my cartback to my car I just stool there a minute. A few spacesaway a Tesla Cyber truck was parked. I had seen it on theroad a few times for a few seconds. But not close up.It looked like it belonged to 2126 and not 2026. I wasgoing to take a picture of the car but the owners cameback and drove away. It was an ordinary middle age...
10 years of abuse, 7 months later...that's a lot of healing to do. Even though you want a new partner...and love...which is also very normal...your emotions are still very vulnerable.
Anyone in your position, would be afraid of the possible things that can go wrong in a new relationship, but bring with it a whole bunch of insecurities that the old relationship created.
I would say be gentle with yourself. Everything you're feeling is normal...and it just takes time to work thru these issues. I'm happy to hear you have good friends and a therapist to help you thru.
I was a nervous wreck when I dated the first person after my abusive ex. I had a great wall up...I was emotionally unavailable...(despite thinking I was)...and I had a lot of insecurities.
Fortunately, the guy was nice. He was patient, and had gone thru an abusive relationship himself. We didn't end up together...but it was a learning experience. It showed me what I needed to work on, what kind of men I should date...and that we are learning not only "how" to love with each person we meet...but how also better to love ourselves.
I read an interesting part of a book yesterday. It said...instead of looking for someone to complete us...or the perfect partner, take each opportunity of dating someone, as a learning experience.
What did this person teach me about how to love myself? In my case, my abusive ex taught me to never put your needs behind someone else (constantly).
The next guy taught me, that you can walk away in harmony with someone. Every ending of a relationship doesn't have to be explosive or dramatic. He taught me peace was something I desired in a relationship with myself and others.
Also even though you have let go of your ex physically...and no longer desire him. You will also have to learn how to let go of the negative programming he put in your head in order to control you.
That was the hardest thing for me. I still have to work on that every day. Sometimes when we think they are physically gone, we are free. However, sometimes we still hold onto the emotional pain (subconsciously or consciously) ...b/c that's all we have left of our connection with them.
Sending you light and love.
I will recommend you read some dating books that I think give solid advice. I was married a long time, and got back into the dating world in my 40s and didn't want to believe that people my age still needed this type of advice - I thought it was only for people in their 20s. After some painful real-life experiences, I stand corrected. Check out "F* HIm! Nice Girls Finish Single" by Brian Nox, and "Ignore the Guy, Get the Guy" by Leslie Braswell. The second one is more of a break-up book, but too painful to read fresh off of a breakup IMO. It contains some good advice for getting back out there.
I'm not sure if your friends are single or all married, but I recommend joining some groups for singles too. I am very active in meetup groups and they are starting to hold in-person events again after a several months break. There are many ways to get back out there without getting into a relationship.