Sometimes when I am falling asleep I pretend everything is OK, I tell myself that I am a good person, that this is all a bad dream. I fall asleep and then the dreams take over, sometimes they remind me of what is really going on. Sometimes they show me a fantasy where I didn’t lie, I never hurt my Wife and everything is the way I wish it was. I wake up and for roughly 5 seconds I feel good, then that cold feeling comes back, the fear, anxiety, failure, and pain. It very quickly throws me back into reality. You did mess all of this up, your lies have cost you your Wife and your best and only friend. All those years of thinking “I will just tell her this and fix the problem myself” caught up with you. Your laziness has cost you a Woman that you loved, she has moved on and you have little to no hope to ever bring her back. I am lucky to be able to be with my kids every day, this agreement that we have to live together for the sake of the kids is what is keeping me going at this point. They are all perfect, they deserve to be raised right and not let my own personal demons harm them. This is my goal, they are what matters now, I must fix what is wrong inside of me to make sure they do not suffer from it.
The paranoia that is running my life is the main reason I began to write this. All I do all day is worry about them and worry about what my Wife is going to do. I know that she is moving on and living her life now the way she feels she should, it’s just so hard to not be a part of it. I feel sick when I think about her being with someone else, telling people all the things I did wrong, moving on. Moving on is the last thing on my mind right now, when my mind has a clear moment and escapes the paranoia, fear and sick feelings I remind myself of what she said to me after the counseling appointment “Whatever happens we are going to be ok, we are still a family, we can still do things as a family” I know she meant well with those words but they actually stung me for the simple reason that this is all my fault. The hardest part about this right now is not being able to direct my anger or depression towards an outside force, I am to blame. I am depriving myself of things that I love for the simple reason that I feel that I need to experience pain, depression, anxiety and fear to help teach me what I put her through. People will say that this is not the best of ideas and it will have an adverse effect on what I am trying to accomplish. That may or may not be true but all I know is without her nothing I used to enjoy doing seems to have a point anymore. She never liked wrestling and didn’t seem to care that I watched it religiously but I can’t bring myself to sit and watch the one thing that has been there in my life since I can remember having conscious thoughts. My fear is that she will think “well he must not care because he is watching that damn show again.” I am not eating for the simple reason that I love food and that I am very overweight. Food brings happiness so I don’t eat food, it’s’ that simple.
I have spent many hours recently trying to get to the root of the cause of my lying. This will be what my counseling is going to focus on obviously, but that is only once a week. I have never been patient and I want answers now. I lied as a child, but many kids lie to get out of trouble. I think the fact that my Mom would so easily believe the lies didn’t help either. I keep coming back to “fear” I lie because I am afraid to tell the truth, afraid to be in trouble and have people I love mad at me. I hate letting people down so lying was a way to make it seem that I wasn’t. It’s like we are trying to teach the kids though, lie now and when we find out it makes it much worse later. My big issue was living “day to day” meaning: if she is happy today then that’s good, I will worry about tomorrow then. This obviously did not work out well for us. I would fall into a deep pit of laziness when she was happy, when we were not fighting and when she was not questioning me about things. At the end of the day I feel sick because I love her so much but causing her all that pain makes me question if I really know what love is. Why would I put someone through all that when I am so deeply in love with them? I know that I would die for her and I support her in everything she wants to do but we have hit a point where that is not my job anymore. All I think about all day are random fears and thoughts like “is she going to take a trip to Cali to see him?” “Is she going on a date anytime soon?” “Will I ever be able to get the images out of my head of her fucking another man?” It is almost too much to bare and it’s all my fault! It’s easy to hate myself at this point and that doesn’t help what I am trying to accomplish either.
So, what is the point of lying? Well the obvious answer is to hide the truth from someone. Why do I hide the truth? Again, obviously, I don’t want someone to hate me or feel let down or disappointed. The end result is that now everyone feels that way about me because I lied. This brings me to my kids. They are the only things that matter now. The counselor said to me “we have to fix you and then your kids get the benefits of that.” She is most likely correct but I don’t care about me right now, I care about them. When they are old enough then we will explain why we are doing what we are doing. At that point my biggest hope is simply that they will understand and see 2 parents who loved them all so much that they both wanted to be with them every day and night. She needs to live how she wants to now, that kills me inside to say and honestly, I don’t even think I mean it right now. I need to sacrifice and show the kids a good life and a good Father that is both there for them whenever they need me and also provides for them so they never feel like they go without. Mine was not that Man, he was there when convenient for him, he did not provide for me in any way and I resent him every day for that. This is what I must never let happen, I can never be him and if that means that I have to live the rest of my life completely for them and not myself then so be it. I can do that, I have to do that and I will do that.
There is so much to make up for that I cannot ever take back. So much unrepairable damage that my lies and laziness has cost me and my Wife, how do I live with that? How can I just forgive myself for doing that to someone? I can’t, I will never fully be myself again and maybe that’s not a bad thing. The sad part is that there is a part of me that always believed that I lied to her because I loved her, because I was protecting her from a painful truth. This also did not work out to well. It’s very disappointing to say that and think that I thought it was ok to do for those reasons. Another sickening thought is the fact that I would get so deep into my lies that I think I began to believe some of them.
This past Thursday I was supposed to have my first one on one appointment and the counselor took a “sick day”, are you fucking kidding me!? Of all the days, I need this, and when I told my Wife and I could see her head thinking “is he lying about this? I bet he doesn’t want to go” I know I brought those thoughts upon myself but it still hurts to know she will always second guess what I say from now on. Or maybe she just doesn’t care anymore, the way it seems to be going makes that the most likely answer. This past Friday I got home from work and she told me she was going out with a friend for a while. This is the same friend that she is posting on Facebook about having inappropriate conversations with while drinking a bottle of wine. This is the same one who also told her to have the affair if she wanted too. When she told me it was like a punch to the gut, at the same time it was just her going out with a fiend for a few drinks, shouldn’t be a big deal. Here is the real issue, I have no say in this anymore. She is emotionally distanced from me and living her life as such. Therefor she can do what she wants, and she is. I have this constant fear that she is still going to try to take full custody of the kids and try to make me leave the house. She has repeatedly told me that this will not be the case but I just can’t get over the paranoia.
People at work can tell that something is not right with me, they keep offering to talk or help in any way they can. I just keep telling them that it’s “home stuff” and say thank you. Why should I bring these people down? We are just getting to know each other and I am just going to unload to them about how much I have fucked up and lied and messed up my entire life? They don’t need or deserve that. Why would some big fat loser telling them how much is wrong with him be something that people would want to be around on a daily basis? They all seem like such good and nice people, I am not going to attempt to ruin that. So I still spend my days upset and paranoid, feeling sick and cold. It goes away temporarily when I get home and see them, my 3 reasons for living. I still need to be a Father and tell them when they are being bad and yell at them and all that but I just love being able to be here with them so much it doesn’t bring me down like it used too. SO I am going to attempt to reschedule my appointment so I don’t have to wait all the way until Thursday to meet with the counselor again.
I watched Mystery Science Theater 3000 the other night, greatest TV show ever btw. I actually laughed a few times for the first time in about a month. I immediately felt like shit afterwards, I should not have allowed that, I cant feel positive things right now. When I start to feel like that it leads to my laziness. Pain and anxiety are the feelings that make me accomplish things.
Tonight, my Wife asked me if I could get a few days off in a row so she could go on a “business trip” with her friend. All the details were sketchy but she said it was around Binghamton which is very close to the PA border. I also know that her guy who she has feelings for travels to PA to visit his family. She told me it had to be a specific week and I know in my guy that it’s to see him, not a trip with her friend. He must be in PA that week and will drive up to meet her. I know my lies have cost me her and she is moved on but this hurts so bad. She is ready to go and be with him, and yes, I know they will have sex and that makes me sick to my stomach but what am I supposed to do about it? I want her to be happy, I truly so but this just hurts so bad. She also lied to my face about it but with my history I guess that just makes us even. Maybe she is trying to protect me by not telling me the truth, or more likely she knows that If she did tell me the truth I wouldn’t try to switch the shifts to make this work. I honestly don’t know what to do, I can’t lie anymore so I will ask work but there is a huge part of me that hopes they tell me “no” they can’t do it.