Before he moved 200 miles away we met and talked many times about getting back together. I saw so many red flags I wouldn't ever let it happen. I always told him to leave her first then we could date and get past the crazy stuff. If we agreed then we could get back together. He wouldn't go for it.
We talked recently. He said he would live with his mom first then come back.
I don't see him working that hard at any of it.
Btw we went to marriage counseling when he was having the affair before moving out. It did no good. His mind was made up.
I will remain single from here on out if we do get back together. I was married to an alcoholic for 17 years. The second marriage for 12 years. Now I'm 56. I choose the wrong men.
I'm a giving caring person. I will continue to give to the homeless and less fortunate. I work 36 hours a week. I love my son and grandson. I'm very close to them. We get along great.
I see life so different now.

I meant I will remain single if we don't get back together. Btw when he left he left me every single thing. He didn't even take a chair to sit in. I thought that was so strange. I own a nice home a big shop he had built huge yard. He didn't fight for one single thing. He took the pictures out of the frames (of his son I helped raise) and left the frames sitting on the bookcase. It cut to the core.

Freeagain: You said "...He has never lived on his own. He always has a woman..."

DON'T be his "safety net" -- period! It's time this man-child learned to sink or swim on his own!

By virtue of the fact that you posed your original question, I think you already KNOW that taking him back would be a HUGE mistake. After 3 years, I would hope that you had well moved on from this relationship and wouldn't even be considering taking him back. If you haven't, I strongly suggest getting yourself in front of a qualified counselor or licensed therapist. THAT can make all the difference in the world in YOUR life!

He's still with her?

Holy doormat woman!

I gotta get someone to do that for me!!

It'd go like this...

Hi honey! I'm gonna go live with, sleep with and do things with someone else for 3 years. You wait here. For 3 years. Until I get bored. And want to come back.

I say toy with him, like he toyed with you.

Yeah, he hasn't changed AT ALL!! Now he's cheating on his girlfriend with his ex-wife! Make no mistake - talking to his ex about coming back while still living with his girlfriend IS cheating! Why are you falling for this? Please talk to a therapist before even considering this. Please.

I am sitting here thinking. Why oh why would you want to give him another chance? He left you and showed you how much he didn't value you you. This is the exact same scenario I went through and it was like reliving my most horrible catastrophe in my entire life only the second one was worse. NO NO NO you are just missing the illusion of what you thought your marriage was but as you say it was anything but good. He can just up and leave you? And I bet he knows you so well he knew right where to come back to because he knows you still love him and will take him back. Think about this will you ever really be at peace and not think who he is cheating with or weather he is cheating. That is actually cheating yourself of a true happy life. BEEN THERE AND DONE THAT FOR 24 years. I say let go and go on with YOUR life. He has shown you who he is. Cheaters cheat..I think you will be giving the person who shot at you and missed the first time a loaded gun to try and take a better aim this time.. JMHO. Good luck

Ewww that sounds really bad. It is an illusion. I do believe that. I think I should forget it and let it be. I don't see me getting any good out of that. I can get along just fine. I have friends and family. I have a great career and I am at peace. What else can I ask for? Right?

Yes you deserve so much better. Take what you had and learn from it for the next relationship and what you will not tolerate. Yes there will be a next relationship and always remember. You get what you think you deserve and never settle. We make choices and I believe you know in your heart and gut that what you were thinking of doing is not right because if it is right then you do not have to even think about it. You have survived and prevailed and you much better than him obviously. He is the one wanting to come back to his safe haven. Remember he left you with out any disregard for your feelings and now that he is done having fun he wants to come back to his comforts zone till the next time he catches someones attention.Sorry I am being so harsh but for you to take him back would not be a good thing. The grass isn't always greener as you can see since he wants to come back and if it is I can tell you the water bill is much higher and maybe he couldn't make the payment so he is running back. Well he made a back choice and needs to deal with it. Take care and know you simply are what you accept and I would hate for you to waste anymore of your time.

Words of the wise, (old ladies) A wolf will lose his fur before he loses his habit to hunt. Loosely translated from Italian. My late mother always said that. Handed down from generation to generation. Tell him I have to think about it. No. do not come back. I am happier and better off without you. So go bye and stay bye. grrrrrrr the nerve of that man.

No one had been too harsh here. I needed to here every bit of it. I have had lots of counseling through the years but you can still get picture an illusion. Thanks all of you. I feel very strong and pumped. Yeah!!

Freeagain, if you start to have doubts or get stuck in that "wistful thinking" mode again, I strongy urge you to come back and read all these responses again -- OVER AND OVER if you have to.
DS is a wonderful place where you will get candid answers from an amazing group of VOLUNTEERS. Listen to the combined Voice of Experience here and know that none of us have any agenda other than helping each other when we doubt ourselves.
This discussion should be the positive reinforcement you need to get up, get going and GET OVER this schlub once and for all.
Big squeezy hugs coming your way! xoxox

Awwww... that is very encouraging.thank you and hugs to all...

i have been in a similar situation
but i was not married and the relationship was only 5 years old.
he and i share a daughter together, met in 2011 & had a baby in the same year. no surprise, we both wanted to.

yes, we had broken up
yes, there was cheating involved
oh boy what a ride we were on....

finally we figured out what we wanted - each other.

did we mess up? yes
was it worth the tears? maybe
would we be who we are if it never happened? no

it hard to get back together and not worry.
but eventually we did...

best of luck to you!

duh! we met in 2006 and had a baby in 2006!

love of my life
and we drive each other CRAZY!
and i think we just ended up lucky.

Several months ago (maybe even a year ago), a guy I was dating, told me he'd never get back with his cheating ex-wife (whom btw, they are bestest of best friends to this day, after 16 yrs together, she IS still A LOT of fun), because he doesn't miss the days of wondering where they heck she was. The lies, the disappearing acts! And I can so relate to that. In the case of his exw, she had cheated on him several times (even had another man's baby) and yet she still didn't change, after begging and pleading for him to take her back.