I sure hope this doesn't sound too harsh but I know and learned this 1st hand. My cheater husband served me with divorce papers after a 11 year relationship and 7 tear marrage. If you Marry a cheater..... You have married a cheater. I know in few, very few cases people can change. It seems like the red flag isalready flying for you. I loved my husband with all my heart however I know I can never ever ever trust him with my heart or any part of my life. It's painful but I have to believe I'm worth more. Best of luck to you.

Thank you Teresa. There are red flags. I haven't forgot anything that has happened. I'm a very strong woman, much stronger than before.

Thank you for your support

No, don't do it. NOT. He is a cheater, why would you want to take him back. Things did't work out for him and he realized he screwed up. NOT, too late. Be strong, you deserve so much better. You will find someone who LOVES you, and doesn't treat you like yesterday's trash.
HUGS

I am someone who did exactly what you are contemplating. My ex had emotional affairs...he claims he never cheated...who knows! He was on his 2nd emotional affair and left me, his children and home for a fantasy. After 21 years of marriage...we divorced. We were divorced for 16 months when he wanted to come home. It didnt work out with the OW. I wanted my family back in tact so bad I jumped at the chance. I wanted to go to counselling to help us work through the trust issues...he only went once and then refused to go again. I rented out my house and moved to where he was...we bought a new home to start over in. The bottom line...we only lasted 3 years before all the crap that happened the first time came back..only it came back 10 fold. I wasted 5 years of my life.

I urge you to really take a good long hard look at the reality of the situation. He left you for OW. He disrespected you it the worst way possible. He turned his back on you. Since it didnt work out with the OW...this makes you 2nd choice. He has not changed. He is still the same person who abandoned you. Your love for him can not fix him. I caution you to really think hard on this.

With all of that being said...I do think its possible to repair a damaged marriage. I personally know of 2 couples who divorced after affairs and got back together. One couple was divorced for 7 years. Before re-entering the relationship they had intense counselling...this went on for well over a year. Before moving back in together they had couples counselling and continued it once living back in the same household. They also had family counselling for the children's sake. This couple has been remarried now for over 5 years and are very happy and emotionally healthy. So...if you and your ex are prepared to do the hard work...it can be done. If either of you are not...walk away. Big Hugs...Kathy

Hi free: It's nice that he's in your heart and you're talking, but I wouldn't let him in my house or my pants or back in my life.

Let's realize that his new girlfriend after 3 years kicked him out (because maybe he cheated on her), and he's got a new sob story for you to get back in your graces.

Dr. Phil says the indicator of future behavior is past behavior. This man is a cheater, didn't want to work things out and broke up the marriage and after 3 years is now back at your door.

Exactly what has this man done to substantially prove that he has changed, he is no longer a cheater, that he will NOT return to this girlfriend or have another girlfriend or two or three. Probably little to nothing.

You have finally established yourself on your own, and you are so much stronger. You have a lot to be poud of, and he does not. People in your community probably know more about your ex than you do, and labeled him as no good long ago. For you to bring him back, may not enhance your reputation.

Oh wow. Each of you are giving me a lot to think about. Thank you so much

Hi Free: And I am not truthful and honest to hurt you, but to let you hopefully read the post a few times over a day or two to let it sink in and give you something to chew on.

Like Dr. Phil said last week on his one show, the days of "give them the benefit of the doubt" is OVER in these times and it is all about the data, facts and truth that we have proof of and we know.

Hugs and I know this is a time of great decision for you.

You're the only one who should decide whether or not you should do this... but you should think about it very hard. In a perfect world, you'd get back together and everything would be roses... but, wait... in a perfect world he wouldn't have cheated on you, thrown your marriage away, and come crawling back when it didn't work out with the OW.
I can tell you what I would hope I would do in your situation: I would hope that despite the fact that my heart still held a place for him, I would have the strength to tell him to bugger off. To realize that unless he was able to prove in some way that he'd changed, that he'd just end up repeating the bad behaviour after a while. Old dogs generally don't learn new good tricks...

Good luck with this tough decision.

One thing I do know is that I never have really been able to have total closure from this past relationship. I've had such a hard time with no contact. I have dated other men but I'm not interested in any of them. I can always find things I don't like about them.
My ex was always either arrogant or wanted pity.
I can't believe he did this. I can't believe he left me. I hate the rejection. It really angered me for a long long time.
I basically raised his son till they moved out. His son begged to stay.
I grieved about him too.
I'm reflecting and I'm so appreciative of all your comments. Hugs to all:))

Think of how hard you had to work to put a new life together for yourself, and think about how hard it was letting go of all those hopes and dreams you had for your shared future together. Think of all the pain it caused you, and the kids. Answer honestly: do you really want to go through that again? Can you? There's a very real possibility that you will end up right back here again in a few years. Only you know whether he has "changed" and is worth the very huge risk you are putting yourself and the kids at. I know for me I could never go back because it was so hard going through this that I don't ever want to go through this again. It's not worth it to me. I'm only looking forward now.

I always told him I never would get in that deep again. I gave my all every day. I don't know if he has changed. He is still with her. He says he wants to come back home. Right now they are 200 miles away.he says it was never what I thought. He can come up with more exuses and won't accept responsibility when things go wrong.
I know I have found peace since he has been gone.
The ball is in my court. I know that.
He has never lived on his own. He always has a woman.
The neighbors in town would think I was crazy to let him return. Darn what a life

Hi! I wish you well in your choice in the long run it is up to you and how and if you think he has changed. I wouldnt rush into anything maybe consider counseling first. Then see if it is worth it.

How do I say this without beating around the bush.......

Cheaters Always Will Cheat!!!

nuff said.

I actually disagree with the 'cheaters will always cheat' responses. I am by *no* means a daddy's girl - I wouldn't even say I like the man. But, he cheated on my step-mom when I was an early teen, and they worked *years* to put their marriage back together. Things started being great, for them, around the time I turned 19, and they've been in some kind of (quite sickening, from the kid's perspective) honeymoon phase since then. He actually just took her to Costa Rica to renew their vows on their 25th wedding anniversary.

Now - I think they were capable of doing this because they POURED themselves into their marriage. They had weekly date nights. They constantly go on sweet little vacations together, etc. She had complete access to his phone records (still does, though she hasn't checked them in years), and he never once so much as got a hostile look on his face when he found out she was checking up on him. He understood - he had to gain her trust back. Now they have a little family lakehouse, and they disappear every weekend and spend the weekend alone, connecting.

So, it *is* possible. I wouldn't let him come home, though. Dad had an affair, was caught, and maybe a week later realized everything he was about to lose and begged for forgiveness. Your husband left...for three years. If you even consider taking him back, I would agree to couples counseling, living in separate households. If you can get past the 'junk' of healing from past hurts, maybe you can agree to one date. I'd be willing to bet, though, once you give him *this*, he'll change his mind. It won't be enough, and he'll want to come 'home'. But if he really, really wanted to work things out, he'd do what it takes, not just call you wanting to come home because things are rocky in his current situation.