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I posted this in the sexual abuse forum, but I very much value the advice I've gotten here and would like to share as well...
To make a long story even longer, while starting a divorce, I found the text records of a conversation between my (stbx) wife of 12 years and the guy she's fallen in love with. She's a recovering childhood SA victim, and while she has made great strides, I really don't think she has fully recovered. We've had a very troubled sex life, as could be expected. For the past 2 years, attempting to give her space, I left initiating sex completely up to her. So we had sex maybe a dozen times in the past 6 years. What hurt me most though was the lack of emotional intimacy.
In reading her texts, she tells the guy that she was physically intimate with me only because she felt she had to, because it was what I wanted, and she never really enjoyed it. She said: "he'd say that it's always been a choice, that he's never forced me (whatever... not a pleasant thought there) and that he's tried to give me my space to heal or whatever... but always I knew that he wanted it all the time, wanted more and more... it felt like a hungry tiger or shark... he was holding off but i felt like at any second he'd just want more... like we can't just kiss because he thinks thats his invitation to have sex...and even when he says it's not, it is..."
I think she was right about the last part. It was very hard for me to give her that space. I acknowledge that I had a hard time with my own feelings of rejection. And I acknowledge that I always did want to have sex with her, and that it was hard for me to stop when she showed what I thought really was interest. When we had it out last week, I told her I will never feel guilty for wanting to have sex with my wife, that I love, and who I think is beautiful, and want to be intimate with. But now I do feel guilty. I mean, I really do understand that she couldn't tell me no because of her guilt, and that I shouldn't be expected to be asexual. I even don't really care about not being respected for what I felt was a large sacrifice on my part. I'm even furious that she would do things like that even though she didn't want to. It would be hard, but I would even accept never having sex again if that's what it took to show her how much I loved her. I thought it was obvious to her I didn't care about the sex if she didn't want it. I was honestly happy with our relationship at that point. It wasn't perfect, but I loved her so much and accepted everything about her.
But even though I'm angry for the incredibly hurtful things she's said to and about me, it just hurts so much that I put her through that. I feel like a revolting, disgusting, piece of shit rapist that I would make her feel that way. I'm the biggest lowlife scumbag, betrayer of her soul, a complete and total failure. I really am just like her abusers, even though I loved her more than anything on this earth, just like they always say too. I just feel so DISGUSTING!!!
I want to believe that she's just still sick, and she's just delusional, and not taking responsibility for her part.
I just don't know. Either way, I am so messed up.
Why do I keep dwelling on this shit?
To make a long story even longer, while starting a divorce, I found the text records of a conversation between my (stbx) wife of 12 years and the guy she's fallen in love with. She's a recovering childhood SA victim, and while she has made great strides, I really don't think she has fully recovered. We've had a very troubled sex life, as could be expected. For the past 2 years, attempting to give her space, I left initiating sex completely up to her. So we had sex maybe a dozen times in the past 6 years. What hurt me most though was the lack of emotional intimacy.
In reading her texts, she tells the guy that she was physically intimate with me only because she felt she had to, because it was what I wanted, and she never really enjoyed it. She said: "he'd say that it's always been a choice, that he's never forced me (whatever... not a pleasant thought there) and that he's tried to give me my space to heal or whatever... but always I knew that he wanted it all the time, wanted more and more... it felt like a hungry tiger or shark... he was holding off but i felt like at any second he'd just want more... like we can't just kiss because he thinks thats his invitation to have sex...and even when he says it's not, it is..."
I think she was right about the last part. It was very hard for me to give her that space. I acknowledge that I had a hard time with my own feelings of rejection. And I acknowledge that I always did want to have sex with her, and that it was hard for me to stop when she showed what I thought really was interest. When we had it out last week, I told her I will never feel guilty for wanting to have sex with my wife, that I love, and who I think is beautiful, and want to be intimate with. But now I do feel guilty. I mean, I really do understand that she couldn't tell me no because of her guilt, and that I shouldn't be expected to be asexual. I even don't really care about not being respected for what I felt was a large sacrifice on my part. I'm even furious that she would do things like that even though she didn't want to. It would be hard, but I would even accept never having sex again if that's what it took to show her how much I loved her. I thought it was obvious to her I didn't care about the sex if she didn't want it. I was honestly happy with our relationship at that point. It wasn't perfect, but I loved her so much and accepted everything about her.
But even though I'm angry for the incredibly hurtful things she's said to and about me, it just hurts so much that I put her through that. I feel like a revolting, disgusting, piece of shit rapist that I would make her feel that way. I'm the biggest lowlife scumbag, betrayer of her soul, a complete and total failure. I really am just like her abusers, even though I loved her more than anything on this earth, just like they always say too. I just feel so DISGUSTING!!!
I want to believe that she's just still sick, and she's just delusional, and not taking responsibility for her part.
I just don't know. Either way, I am so messed up.
Why do I keep dwelling on this shit?
To me it sounds like she is using this situation that has happened in her life (which is horrible) to build a relationship with the new guy. Kind of like making you out to be the bad guy!
Don't feel bad for loving your wife and wanting sex. Knowing that you had sex only a dozen times in 6 months says right there to me that you were really considerate of her feelings and making sure she was okay with sex prior to just doing it.
You did nothing wrong and if she felt pressured she should have told you.
I am just throwing that out there as a disclaimer. I have been helped here and you are among people that truly get it, and that is sometimes invaluable to us.
I am sorry that you found the texts, because I know that had to hurt. I found pictures in a drawer once of my ex with another woman having sex, and believe me that hurt. I learned not to organize his side of the room ever if I was not prepared for what I would find. The shock is just too hard, and I understand the feelings you are having.
It is hard not to analyze, question what we could have done differently, and blame ourselves for the loss of our marriage, but you are taking the blame for things that were not in the realm of your control. She had the issues of SA, and you can not control the way that she deals with that or help her really to deal with that in any way other than what you did. You were patient, loving, accepting of boundaries in a way that no one should have to be in a marriage. It is normal to want to be touched, loved, and to have the closeness of sex when we are with someone we love, married or not, and that is ok that you wanted this.
It is not your fault that she had limitations in her ability to love you, and she will have these same limitations with anyone in her life until she deals with the issues of what happened. She may always be affected in some way.
Now you know that, and while it is hard for you to move on and let go, for your own sanity, I recommend it.
She has moved on to another, and I know how much that hurts right now. Feel all these feelings, talk about them, and in time I hope that you start to think of all the things that you were giving her, but were not getting in return. You tried to be there for her, and you deserve that same thing back in your life.
You deserve someone capable of loving you as you love them, and now you will have a chance of finding that in a new life.
Grieve the loss of what you all had, but don't let magical thinking convince you that it was the best thing on earth, because it just wasn't. You were not loved and cared for , for 6 years. That is so hard on a person.
I was not cared and loved for 19 years, and know just how bad that hurts when you want it to work. But all the wanting in the world will not change the fact that she is incapable of being what you want her to be. We can't change anyone and we can't make anyone love us that doesn't . I know that hurts. It tore my heart right out of my chest, but now I know that, and I let him go, and one day I have hope now of finding someone who can.
Big healing hugs to you, Kimmee
Hello? Your wife cheated on you, dishonored her own wedding vow, and you're beating yourself up for wanting (just wanting, not forcing) to have sex with your own wife?
Sounds like you're directing your anger towards yourself because you're unwilling to direct it at your wife. Anger is part of the griefing process, you cannot avoid it.
Your wife is no longer the person you fell in love with. Maybe she never was. Either way it doesn't matter. She has moved on. Time for you to do the same. Blaming yourself for everything will not bring her back. Let go.