Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
It's almost going to be a year since I left my ex. We were married for 9 years (together for 15). I know I did the right thing by leaving when I did because I was not being treated with respect (cheating, lying, drinking, etc. happened during the last two years of our marriage). I got my own apartment and filed the divorce paperwork. I was done and tired of the bs. But here I am almost a year later depressed and missing him like crazy. Maybe what I miss are the good memories we had before all the crap started. We have a 6 year daughter so it's not like I can do the no contact thing. I really just want to move on, but I can't stop feeling sad. Yes, he has apologized for his selfish behavior but it's still devastating that it had to come to this. (He told me he wants to work things out now, but I just can't do it.) It just doesn't seem fair that I have to suffer when I did everything I could to try to make it work before. I just wish I could bury those memories in a place where I don't have to think about them every day. I know time is supposed to make it easier, but sometimes it doesn't feel like it's getting easier. I try to stay busy by exercising and visiting family, and that helps a little bit, but I still struggle. Any other tips?
I have found it very hard to reconcile the man I fell in love with, to the man he showed what he was capable of being at the end. I still have love for the man he was, but I resent the hell out of the man he became and showed himself to be at the end. Its hard to understand the duality of it all, really. My ex apologized too, if you can call it that. But it did nothing to take away the pain or to allow me to even fathom being able to trust him with my heart again.
So, yeah, I get it. The good memories are in my head too...right along side all of the ugly. Some days, the good rises above the rest and that's when the missing him hits home even that much more. The only thing that I have found that has helped is good old time, "trying" to not look at FB, recalling some of the final very hurtful words he said to me, and most of all....remembering how he deeply betrayed me. Sometimes I need to recall the pain even that much more in order to push pass the present missing him. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I'm also working on forgiveness. I figure if I can get to a place of forgiving him b/c he's a fallible human being and he did say he would forever be sorry...then maybe that will help as well. I'm just not there yet.
And we also have to be honest with ourselves that when it comes to someone drinking, the other spouse kept the home and kids and gave them a safe place to come home to and pass out, kept the home with food, kept the cars in repair, did the laundry, paid the bills, and even cleaned up when they barfed all over the floors or shit in their pants and it went all over the floor.
The idea of suddenly having to divide everything and not having that "caretaker" to take care of everything can be scary for that other spouse. I hope you don't fall for it. If he wants to change, he has to change for himself and should have gotten started a long time ago and not waited until the divorce proceedings. He can start to change now, but I wouldn't stop the divorce.
If he gets help, he should be in help now but do it for himself and not you. He has to really want it for himself and not do it because you want it.
But get your divorce and let him on his own. I wouldn't trust him until he has been in therapy and alcohol treatment for a year. That way you will now he has sobriety under his belt and he will have begun to face his other problems in life.
At that point you may not like him and not want to be involved with him and that's okay. If you want to have coffee with him after his year of therapy then okay, but don't go to bed with him and don't go home with him. Keep him at a distance. You have to wait a long time to see if he has changed. And get permission to talk to his doctors to find out what they tell you. You may decide after talking to them to keep walking away from him and keep him out of your life.
Take care and hugs.
just wanted to offer my support. i feel many of the same things you're describing, at times. even though my stbxh has pulled all of that same crap as your ex. some days all we can do is move forward, or at the very least not go backwards.
big big hugs to you!
Often I listen to new music, something that is foreign and nice like European club music...think about my future... my life... A few times I have purposefully cried and grieved lost opportunities, letting them go.
So true. My stbx turned his back on me, but he has tried to be so nice. He thinks that after years of hateful remarks and many arguments that always ended in threats in divorce, that I'm going to just forget. He thinks that if he doesn't rock the boat, maybe I will not push for half of the assets.
Don't be fooled. Chances are there are some ulterior motives.
So true in my case Aurora, so true...
But I am slowly moving on. The nostalgias and memories have gone. It helped we have one last huge argument last April 23 and I think that really upset him (he had the gall!!). So he's been given me the silent treatment since then, likely because he's on the pits of depression. Sometimes, the good memories come back, but I try and not think about that now, and instead I bring up his appalling behavior and multitude of lies towards the death knell of the relationship.
Felifel, we are all different, therefore we have different coping abilities. What worked for me might not work for you. Personally, and I heard this from others too, exercise and keeping busy does help. Journaling (writing your thoughts etc) helps a lot for me. And of course coming here to offer support to the newbies. (((HUGS))) hope you feel better soon. Don't give up.
I totally get the missing someone from your past part. Me ex was a drinker too, and most of the time, I drink along even if I didn't want to, just to spend time with her. Memories will always be there. What works for me is to let the memory come - don't fight it because it won't work, at least it didn't for me - and then when the memories come rushing in, allow yourself or consciously bring yourself back to the present right away.
For example, if you are outside or whatever it is you're doing, feel the moment with you in it. So if you're outside, just feel the breeze until your memory shifts from the past...to the present and where you are at the moment. :D
ATGB - In our case we didn't have any assets to split. I was pretty much supporting our family and he was very irresponsible with money so we never were able to save. It is possible he may miss the extra cash I was bringing in though. He's now feeling the squeeze and I have extra money now. It's kinda interesting that we had to live at his parents house for 4 years because we couldn't afford our own place. Yet, I now have my own apartment and am able to pay my bills and have spending money left still. I totally agree that if he decides to change it should be because he wants to, not for me. I suggested he go to individual counseling so it will be interesting to see if he actually goes. Our divorce judgement has already been signed by the judge so it's pretty much final. So I can't stop it now even if I wanted to. We won't be officially divorced until July though because of California's 6-month waiting period.
Thanks for the feedback. It does help. :-)
I really believe that the spouse they became, that we didn't like at all, was the real them, and previously they were hiding beneath the faade they carefully had deployed. It may take years, but eventually and slowly the true self comes out.