a year ago my STBX was in her first month in her apartment in Waukesha, WI after telling me in October of last year that she had a bunch of bad feelings in her head like demons and she was going to get herself an apartment to learn to either get rid of her demons or live with them and she didn't want to stay at our house and possibly break up the because we were walking on eggshells to avoid her and her moods (which wasn't true). I thought "what the heck are you talking about" but what can you do and so I helped her move a bit and hoped her and I could work through the process during the year that her lease was running. In the mean time between early Nov and the next few months I took the opportunity to work on some of my personal problems also and hoped she would work through hers. She told me that she knew of some people who did move into separate apartments and then got back together and one couple who did the divorce thing and sold all their possessions and got back together and are now happy. I guess she thought maybe that's what would happen to us. Then two months later right after New Years Eve she emailed me and said she wasn't coming back and she was done being a wife and mother full time (althoug she does have visitation with the youngest).

One thing I had to work on was my self esteem problems. There was something wrong but I couldn't put my hands on it and one book that made quite the difference was one I picked up at our church's library.

http://books.google.com/books?id=TmZxU0OzkrAC&printsec=frontcover&dq=the+lies+we+believe&source=bl&ots=Z_djvdhisA&sig=Dw6lIYUVsu4zeHoQ5n5PBMrkauk&hl=en&ei=vAjzTOWFMJH-nAeOl-CWCw&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=5&ved=0CDcQ6AEwBA#v=onepage&q&f=false

what it did was cast a lot of my negative thoughts in a new form or understanding that helped me root them out.. what I did was trace a lot of my problems back to my youth in the fact I was the last child born of my parents when my sibs were both about 15 yr older than me. I believe at that time what idea took root in my head was that I was different or weird or something in the fact that maybe I didn't belong on this earth since I was born so late... why was I here, this is weird.... I know some of you find it hard to understand but I do believe that is what went through my head and years after when I was picked on in school only reaffirmed what I already knew: there was somthing wrong with me and I needed affirmations from others to prove my worth....
that I needed this from others to affirm my worth was a lie and that was what that book is about. if kids did pick on me I immediately assumed there were problems with me and it was not their "jerkness" that was causing their reaction.. sure I told myself that I had friends from all my years but that didn't help and nothing did because I had not uprooted the problem that was causing it all. I understood there were many lies that I believed and tried to tell my STBX what I discovered and how this book helped me when she said she wasn't coming back, but all she could do was use diversion and nothing I said helped.

So of course I had a few rough weeks and there were always one day a week when I had the sads and cried and felt better. Usually that was Sunday morning. However, my gal pal Val at work gave me positive words of encouragement that I was coping rather well and so I immediately joined the social networks here, found a few friends that I chatted with and this helped the lonliness a bit and I'm sure they benefitted from me.... Then in June some friends who were having it hard moved in with my son and I and they have provided a bit more sociality than what I normally wouldn't have.

so early spring the STBX took my son and she said I should pick him up at a certain time on that Saturday and she had a date. I thought "hmmm that's quick, it's only been 1 or 2 months since she said she was splitting" and then later that year in about August I find out she has been dating this guy for a month and then later she had his picture on her table. Going through the thought processes and events in my head has led me to the conclusion there has been something going on with this dude for a lot longer than she says and when she did all this diversion she was protecting that fact some of this was already going on.

After I came to that conclusion (but cannot prove it) I felt a little relieved. In fact every now and then I had the feeling that maybe she would reconsider and come back to me... I no longer then had to cope with that feeling that I knew was illogical. I could move on.... and even I felt a little resentful of her and her lies and that I could open up to her about what I had done wrong in my life and how I could fix it, but rather than her admitting what she had done wrong and how she can repair herself she stonewalls me..... so it seems there is less and less of her that I feel I would love even if she came back.

Now my son has had his hard moments also and divorce care has helped, but I think he is coping well because I am coping well. I can't flip out about this and get all depressed 'cause he needs me, work needs me, the friends need me...

I also have OCDs but haven't obsessed hardly anyting this year. WHen she left for her apartment I went to a few OCD support group meetings and have learned a few new things about them: like the fact a lot of worries were indeed an aspect of my OCD. I also learned new coping techniques: the risk exposure and cognitive methods.

ya see, when my friends were talking about moving in I worried about me and them having problems and so I began to obsess about it.... but I used the cognitive method and did rectifiy my problems.

It is tempting to think that because I don't have anyone in my life right now that I won't ever have anyone and just let myself slide back into the same self depravity that characterized my low self esteem before.. taht is the EASY thing to do, but not the right thing and I willnot allow myself to do that... Every time I have that temptation I remember that that would just be another lie I would believe....

so I am a better person for all of this and doing fine.... I hope maybe some of my life stories will help someone else who might have gone through something vaguely similar.