Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Last night I put on the TV and of all movies, there was 'Indecent Proposal' playing...having seen the movie ages back, i sat and watched it again. I was pleasantly surprised I didnt cry relating the movie to my life nor did was i bitter/cynical at the end as these 2 finally find each other again ...wondering why didnt it happen with me !
No tears, no bitterness...thats when I realised I never was really 'in love' with the stbx--feel almost a sense of relief, its over....and that made me rethink that for 8-10 years of my marriage, even though i was true to him, adored him and was a good wife...in his heart he always felt ( and rightly)...I was not 'in love' with him.
To have somebody from whom he didnt feel the kind of love he wanted would have made him feel empty inside...then he found somebody who fell flat out for him. I am not justifying his infedility but I somehow think I understand his craving for the sort of love he wanted...something i couldnt give him as i never really felt it that way.
I 'd married him not because I was in love with him..maybe there were such fleeting moments i might have felt that way..but there was always this feeling i was not being true to myself...yet i married him...he so wanted me ! I should just have said 'No'--my mistake. Maybe Life has a way of 'correcting' one's mistakes...I married him without being true to myself--a learning for me to be more authentic ; he's now out of my life...& found what he'd always wanted...a sort of love I couldnt give him...the mushy romantic kinds.
Sometimes i feel guilty as my lack of the 'in love' kind of love made me feel frustrated and i took it out on him. He needed out and when he got the chance, he took it. He must have really been extremely unhappy with me. I needed out too but felt too committed to do so. Love won over commitment.
Perhaps, Life has pushed me out of a relationship I didnt feel in sync with so I can discover love the way its supposed to be (what is that kind of love, i dont think i've ever experienced)...not the 'obligatory ' kinds i felt for the stbx. I dont miss him, the lows i feel is 'cause my life was changed completely without my consent & life as a divorced woman is so 'inconvenient' & the rejection & lies did hurt but looking back, I guess it just had to happen someday .
No tears, no bitterness...thats when I realised I never was really 'in love' with the stbx--feel almost a sense of relief, its over....and that made me rethink that for 8-10 years of my marriage, even though i was true to him, adored him and was a good wife...in his heart he always felt ( and rightly)...I was not 'in love' with him.
To have somebody from whom he didnt feel the kind of love he wanted would have made him feel empty inside...then he found somebody who fell flat out for him. I am not justifying his infedility but I somehow think I understand his craving for the sort of love he wanted...something i couldnt give him as i never really felt it that way.
I 'd married him not because I was in love with him..maybe there were such fleeting moments i might have felt that way..but there was always this feeling i was not being true to myself...yet i married him...he so wanted me ! I should just have said 'No'--my mistake. Maybe Life has a way of 'correcting' one's mistakes...I married him without being true to myself--a learning for me to be more authentic ; he's now out of my life...& found what he'd always wanted...a sort of love I couldnt give him...the mushy romantic kinds.
Sometimes i feel guilty as my lack of the 'in love' kind of love made me feel frustrated and i took it out on him. He needed out and when he got the chance, he took it. He must have really been extremely unhappy with me. I needed out too but felt too committed to do so. Love won over commitment.
Perhaps, Life has pushed me out of a relationship I didnt feel in sync with so I can discover love the way its supposed to be (what is that kind of love, i dont think i've ever experienced)...not the 'obligatory ' kinds i felt for the stbx. I dont miss him, the lows i feel is 'cause my life was changed completely without my consent & life as a divorced woman is so 'inconvenient' & the rejection & lies did hurt but looking back, I guess it just had to happen someday .
whatever kind of love that you feel that you need, i certainly hope that it finds you. you sound like a wonderful, sincere woman :)
He may have 'needed out' but he should have STAYED BACK ..for me and our daughter.
I think he's a fool and not worth your thoughts and energies much longer
The ROUTINE of marriage, the things that aren'r sexy but HAVE to get done (car maintenance, bills, house cleaning, taking care of kids, etc) can become the focus, and then people think, "Where is the love?" In my mind, being there for my family, taking care of my family, was my LOVE. I didn't wake up thinking "I am so in love with my H", but I know, come hell or high water, I was right beside him.
Iquickly became the roommate, bill payer, etc. It is unromantic and unsexy, but necessary. We stopped "dating" as a couple waaaay before we broke up, and he cheated. We lost that communication, the thing that makes you know, "Hey, without any words, we are in this."
Cheating is never OK, ever. I don't care what the justification is. Like I've said a million times, I was in the SAME marriage for 9 years (12 together)and NEVER cheated. I made sure I waited to be with someone new WELL AFTER my divorce was final.
I think what you're doing isn't giving him an excuse, but rather, seeing your part in the overall crash of your marriage. For me, I know I stopped paying attention to ME, and that made it where i put him in the impossible spot of being my sole source of happiness. That wasn't ok. It doesn't justify shitting on our vows, but i know I allowed myself to play second fiddle.
You are reflecting, and that's a good thing. Everything you learn about YOU will better prepare you for the future.
I know I sound like a broken record...but this is normal. (((HUGS)))
And TryingToMakeIt is right, that in love feeling doesn't last forever or isn't a constant. I think that is why vows were taken in the first place because infatuation eventually goes away and the daily grind or just life comes along and sucks it out everyone. What to do about it....IDK.
Trying, I agree with you 100%. In my relationship, whether we were in bed being intimate or doing chores, I saw it all as intimate expressions of love and partnership. She, on the other hand, lost sight of those things and started focusing on things that she perceived as missing. She didn't realize that what was missing was her ability to see just how much that she really had.
Your ex was, for whatever reason, not accepting your expressions of love as being enough because if he had, he would have seen that he was honor-bound to start reciprocating likewise. He did not want to do that because that would have demanded that he take it up a notch. So he came up with reasons to bail out. He will play the same game with the next woman. Watch and see.
See through his mind games. You need not agree with his thinking if it does not ring true to you.
so often, i felt unappreciated and unloved. in hindsight, when i felt that way, i should have told her how very much i appreciated her and cherished her. but, sadly, i didn't do it anywhere near as much as i should have.
how prophetic
Aditi, I can relate to most of your thoughts on this page. We're still trying to make sense of it all. Why did he do this? What were the underlying reasons (even if he doesn't know)? How does this relate to me and my actions? How can I perceive this so I am reflective/moving forward/the better person?
What I have rationalized/realized this morning (after some crappy dreams last night and much thoughtfulness inspired by time on DS this morning) is that he didn't want a relationship with me. Period. That hurts me deeply and I take it personally but at the same time I realize a lot of that had NOTHING to do with me. He wasn't interested in daily minutia. He wasn't interested in our kids. He wasn't interested in anything that had to do with marriage or fatherhood or being a damn adult. And yeah, he did need an escape route. Screwing Slutzilla gave him that. (Wow I'm starting to get really pissed!) He needed someone who didn't know him to be absorbed in him and his "story" and his happiness and his bullshit. And just like faithful said he WILL play the same game with the next woman. Because eventually Slutzilla will get fed up with taking care of him and living with his woe-is-me attitude and his disinterest in running a household from laundry to finances. And one day she'll be on this site talking about Whoretastic (who he will one day cheat on her for) and wondering what the hell she did wrong! Man, I am really mad that I cried over his sorry ass this week!
In my case, as u've rightly said, they both have been saying "woe is me..my spouse has been so bad with me...i've been sooo unhappy...and now, with you, i've found the love i've been looking for and the happiness too ..we unhappy souls were meant to be together ".
The slutzilla (borrowing ur word), in a text message 'exhange of words' with me had the cheek to tell me, 'this is your Karma , Aditi !' ...evidence of how much he'd been crying on her lap about me !!
Thats when i wanted to put her number in the newspapers as an ad for 'escort services' !
I need a major bitching session....but all my girlfriends are either single or married !