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http://sethadamsmith.com/2013/11/02/marriage-isnt-for-you/
I read this off of facebook today.. I have to say, I'm torn, but I mostly don't agree.
What it basically says is that you shouldn't get married for yourself, you should get married to make someone else happy. That it's somehow selfish to think, "Will I be happy with this person? Are they "The One" for me?".
Now believe me, I'm all about the idea that nobody else can make you happy. Happiness comes from within yourself and no-one else. And true love certainly is the sole desire to make someone else happy without thoughts of personal gain.
But isn't that paradoxical? And is it really selfish to want to make sure that you're going to be able to live with someone for the rest of your life? After all, it is YOUR life! It would be nice if we were all Enlightened Beings and never thought of ourselves, but we're not all wired that way.
By this logic, I should be able to marry a lying, cheating crack whore if all I care about is making her happy?
Do we, as a society, have an unhealthy inability to separate romance from reality? Are we doomed by high expectations of our relationships?
Or is this just an idea to strive for? Knowing that from time to time we'll fall?
Discuss :-)
I read this off of facebook today.. I have to say, I'm torn, but I mostly don't agree.
What it basically says is that you shouldn't get married for yourself, you should get married to make someone else happy. That it's somehow selfish to think, "Will I be happy with this person? Are they "The One" for me?".
Now believe me, I'm all about the idea that nobody else can make you happy. Happiness comes from within yourself and no-one else. And true love certainly is the sole desire to make someone else happy without thoughts of personal gain.
But isn't that paradoxical? And is it really selfish to want to make sure that you're going to be able to live with someone for the rest of your life? After all, it is YOUR life! It would be nice if we were all Enlightened Beings and never thought of ourselves, but we're not all wired that way.
By this logic, I should be able to marry a lying, cheating crack whore if all I care about is making her happy?
Do we, as a society, have an unhealthy inability to separate romance from reality? Are we doomed by high expectations of our relationships?
Or is this just an idea to strive for? Knowing that from time to time we'll fall?
Discuss :-)
I think the point I got from it is that it isn't all about me. It is about what both people need, and mostly, when getting married, you can't just think about what is good for you, but what is also good for the other poster.
I was talking with a friend the other day, and they had made a comment about when they had a child, their Significant other said, you don't change your life for the child, you fit the child in to yours. To me, that is a selfish statement. Because there comes a time in your life that when entering a committed relationship, you do what is best not only for yourself, but what is best or makes the other person happy as well.
But, both have to be there. Both have to want to make the other person happy. Both have to want their lives to not only be about themselves anymore, but about the other person as well.
That is what I took away from this article.
This was my goal when I got married----to make him happy----HA, HA, It took me 15 years to figure out that there is no way in heck you can make someone happy if they want to be negative about everything.
The article did make me remember there was a purpose for songs like the one for Sleepless in Seattle----Make someone happy.
Here is the link if you want to read the story. It was right for 60 years ago, but everyone wants their own happiness now. This just isn't possible anymore. It did bring back good memories though!!!!
Thanks skwerl.
I read all the bad comments and just filed it away. Most agree with you.
Here is the link to the article
http://www.viralnova.com/marriage-is-not-for-you/
I know for me, it is still about what was 60, 50, 40, and 30 years ago. If we continue to succumb to what is selfish and make it all about me... me ... me... it will be only about me... me .. and me...
how does that really make someone, or even two people in a relationship happy?
it doesn't
so sad ...
I think with everything being so fast and relationships so easily disposable, people get married "for now" but don't truly intend it for the long haul.
To me, putting in the work..the meat and bones of a marriage..was the satisfying part. To know you are partnered with someone to face things together. But, when one is selfish, the "together" quickly fades away.
I don't want it to, because like ChiTownBear said, it's still about was it was 30+ years ago for me. But we all have fallen victim in a way to the technology and the personal communication it takes away. Texting, FBing, and emailing is not real communication. Talking with someone and hearing their voice and seeing their face and body language is communicating.
I am victim of lack of communication....I didn't do nearly as well as I should have. And if I want a 'real' relationship in the future, I have to improve in that area.....and find a woman that feels and thinks the same way. Couples back in the day talked all of the time; today not so much. Hence the failure rates that we see.
We all have our own needs. That's reality. And believe me, having our own needs un-met just breeds resentment and people end up talking about their divorces on forum sites...
at least that's my take on it.
"No, a true marriage (and true love) is never about you. Its about the person you lovetheir wants, their needs, their hopes, and their dreams. Selfishness demands, Whats in it for me?, while Love asks, What can I give?"
Doesn't this article seem to suggest that our own wants, needs, hopes and dreams are ALWAYS secondary? Is that healthy? Shouldn't a relationship of two people be a balance? Or is it suggesting that we should strive to align our own wants, needs, hopes and dreams with those of our partner's?
I'm really (kinda) playing devils advocate for the sake of the discussion.. I like the idea of the writing, and I've never been happier than when I exercise it in my current relationship. I just think the total abandonment of self sounds unrealistic and unhealthy. Semantics maybe?
Just a personal observation here but it seems like more men as opposed to women have those paralyzing fears when it comes to marriage. Thoughts? Comments?