Remember it's a process, not an event. Although it totally sucks, what you're going through is totally normal. You WILL get past it. We've all been there, and with time you WILL feel better. Just one day at a time.
((((((((((need))))))))))))

I know what you all saying and thank you. Thing is i have nobody only you guys. My children just hate him and that's the end of that. I have no friends. I'm sitting here now alone and every night is pretty much the same. I sit in my living room. Talking to you guys. No TV on. Just feel the worst ever right now .

God is always with you...you are never alone

I sent you a message...

That's what we're here for. About a month after my ex left me, I got laid off and had nobody to talk to. Any friends I had were scattered across the country. I came to DS for answers but also found friends.. Someone always there to vent to, any time of the day. To call me out on my BS when I needed it. Virtual shoulders to cry on. To see people that had gone through exactly what I had and were examples of how wonderful life is when you finally get past the required pain. And to get some sense of (sometimes drama filled) normality.

I feel you today is a tough one day 3 no contact. For 9 years I had a person to turn too now is gone. But overtime this will give me strength, I know it just waiting for the dark cloud to pass. It will my friend.

Stop and think for a moment: who cares if he moves on to someone else? Do you think he'll treat her any better? Of course not, because he's an abuser, so he'll just go on to abuse others. You are so much better off. You can't see it right now because you're mourning the loss of the life you wanted with him. But know that it will get better. It's hard to hear, and sometimes it seems impossible, but it's true. There's no point to holding onto a relationship that isn't good. It wasn't good and it never will be, because he is defective and won't change. You can't change him, and he doesn't want to change himself. You made the right decision. I've been trying to get divorce for over a year and a half now (not my decision but I'm glad it's happening), and it sucks being kept in limbo all this time. Hopefully yours will be quicker and you can get on with your life.

Talk to your kids about what your feeling. Because they hate him they can be a huge source of comfort and positive affirmations that you're doing the right thing. I know you don't want to hear bad things about him from them, but you need to. You need to hear all of the hurtful things he's done to them, as well as you, to help you reaffirm your decision to leave. Stay strong!

I see on the other board here you posted not long ago:

"I really don't think I can do this. I am tempted to take the whole box of Amitriptyline tonight. I have hit rock bottom and I can't get back up.
Posted on 10/17/13, 04:58 pm "

If you don't want to get in contact with the people where you live that are helping you, or the support group where you live, or any help lines there, then it's time to do some serious thinking as to what YOU and YOU ALONE what to do in your life.

Exactly what do YOU want to do with your life? I'm not talking about what other people tell you to do, but what you personally want. Do you want to go back with him? Because ultimately, you have to do what you want to do and are willing to do. You know exactly what he is and what he does. But if you don't want to divorce him and you want to go back with him, no one should stop you. You have every right to return to him.

If all this is just you feeling lonely and sad, than don't go there with the suicide talk and instead talk to your local groups. And talk to us and tell us that you don't want to go back with him. As an adult, you should call the shots in your life and separating/divorcing is very painful and hurtful and it will be for a long time. But don't pull the suicide card, as every time someone writes about it, I feel so much pain.

I was married to a physically violent man. I look back and I never regretted divorcing him. My life got so much better in the years after. If I hadn't divorced him, I would have been dead. My hands are bad and the specialist talked with me and believes the damage to one hand is from my ex husband. That's tough to hear, but it reassured me even now that divorcing him really did save me and my son. To stay, it only gets worse.

Figure out what you really want to do and let us know. No one will hate you or feel bad towards you no matter what you decide, but I would appreciate hearing from you what you REALLY want to do and then you doing it. Many, many hugs.

Hi need: Here is a good article for you to read:

Abusive Relationships & Toxic Guilt
by Patty E. Fleener M.S.W

I believe that most of us, especially those of us who have mental health disorders, feel guilt in situations where we have no business whatsoever feeling guilt.

It is easy to just look at our behavior, the situation and ourselves and say "I'm guilty! I am ashamed." Now let's back up a bit here.

When I say look at ourselves, it might benefit most of us to look a little deeper. We are complex, complicated creatures and our motivation for doing or not doing something is not just based on our personality, our will, etc.

What do I mean? Let me give you an example of something that may help you see this picture more clearly.

I have been seeing a man who is extremely emotionally and verbally abusive. Now of course I was not aware of his abuse issues at first but I will admit that I saw red flags right from the start.

Mind you, I have trained staff in domestic violence, etc.

The situation I recently faced was a history of ten months seeing this guy, addicted to him, and no matter how much I complained to him about his behavior, I kept going back. I would continue to go back into a little denial that really he is not abusive and that one day we will have a wonderful relationship. I had a very difficult time facing reality because like any addiction, I would occasionally get what I call "adrenalin shots." These "shots" kept me hooked in a situation that I could not get out of. I could not get out of this relationship.

I did notice as I worked harder to get out, he trumped up his abuse. Finally the emotional abuse became so bad that I just could no longer take the abuse he threw at me.

Again I wrote him an email kindly asking him to end this thing between us as it was killing me and that I was having a difficult time getting out. Now imagine an abuser and their personality and their agenda. Would he kindly assist me in this? Of course not.

Of course I knew it was my responsibility to get out I noticed that every time I tried to get out I felt sick. I prayed and prayed to God and asked Him to assist me, started journaling, which did help by the way, but I couldn't get out and if I got close to getting out he knew just how to suck me back in. Wonderful words he would say - tell me just what I needed to hear.

Abuse of any kind decreases your self-esteem and for me I felt like my mind was literally being twisted. His behavior did NOT make sense and the more he did strange stuff, the more twisted I felt.

During this time I felt TREMENDOUS guilt that I could not leave the relationship. It was humiliating to keep enduring his abuse. Every one told me he was playing head games with me, playing with me, etc. This knowledge was very difficult to assimilate and I so needed to believe that he truly loved and cared about me and that I was special to him. I felt I couldn't face any other reality, as it was too painful.

One day I was eating lunch and watching a movie on television in the midst of all the craziness. In the movie the husband was verbally, emotionally and physically abusing his wife. Two times in the movie he said to her, "I own you." The first time it went over my head but the second time he said that to her my jaw dropped and I probably looked shocked, like I had seen a ghost.

My father repeatedly told me he owned me when I was growing up. I never understood that. Once in high school I remember him telling me how he wanted my hair cut. I kindly said I wanted it cut differently and he in no uncertain terms told me I belonged to him, I was his property and he will do with me what he likes.

I had many times questioned whether my dad was verbally and emotionally abusive to me for many years but I never got to the point where I completely came out of denial until now.

I think we are more inclined to unconsciously look for the environment we were raised in, even if it was abusive. We are familiar with that environment and a non-abusive environment is strange.

People that have been abused don't see a lot of the red flags that others see because that way of life for them I normal. Many of us feel that love is pain.

It is vital to remember when you look back on your life or you are currently facing a situation where you are unhappy with your behavior, that you are struggling so much due to your history of abuse. You may appear "weak" and unable to get out of that situation without outside help. It says nothing about your character but everything about your past.

So it is that in my opinion we go to therapy and learn what "normal" is so that we can behave more and more that way and be attracted to healthy people.

Experiencing guilt is not looking at the entire picture and is inappropriate in many cases.

There is "good" guilt that motivates us to do the right thing but in these situations we are experiencing toxic shame. Many of us feel we are bad all the way to the core.

Should we crucify our parents for our issues now? No. They may have done the best they can. Take a look at their family of origin.

We are always responsible for our behavior however and we are responsible to get help if we feel like we are drowning.

http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/

Thank you all and thank you time goes by. Im having a bad time right now and still can't go outside the house. To work or anything. My eyes are puffed up today and sore. I am sorry if I scared you but I really didn't know a way out . I know I have to fight this but it's hard right now. I think he has someone else and that hurts me tremendously. I think I do crave love and have clung to him and ate only remembering the good bits. I have to get it in my head what he has done I know. Don't know how I'm going to do it all. It's to much to bear. I'm trying to look at my childhood. It was normal as far as I remember. . Don't remember ever getting any cuddles. And being the oldest always got the blame for things and my brother would be laughing when it was him that was naughty. I have had a few relationships which I've ended . Felt hurt but not as bad as this one. I loved this man with all of my being. He is handsome and can am loving. But then there's the other side that I push aside and crave his good side. You have all helped me on here. Please continue to . Last night I hit the bottle. And I'm not even a drinker. I need something to knock me out . But I woke up lots of times and it all kept flooding back. I was seeing him in my head with another woman and her getting the love he used to give me.

People think liquor helps, but it is a depressant so it will depress you even further.

Keep in mind that this new woman will get the abuse he gave you too. He'll be good for a while, but he'll fall back and do the bad things he did to you too.

Get in touch with the group that is helping you and tell them how bad things are getting for you.

Here in the U.S., you would call 911 and tell them you are feeling suicidal and they would put you in a mental institution for evaluation and treatment. For some it is exactly what they need and the treatment is very beneficial.

Getting through this is something that you have to do for yourself, not for us. If you don't go to work at your business, it will fold. He is not doing this to you, you're doing it to yourself.

You're giving yourself messages that are negative and self-sabotaging, such as "It's all to much to bear." You can't keep doing that to yourself.

We tell our stories of making it through on this board. Get strength from those, learn from those, and work hard on getting through this. Hugs.

Please really read Time's message, because she has been through something similar to what you're going through, and she made it through. So did I, although not physical abuse. You love the good side of him, but that's not all of him, only part. He also has a very bad side. Keep reminding yourself of that. We don't get to pick parts of a person, we get the whole package. His new fling is going to get the whole package soon enough, and may end up on this board too! Only you can make the decision to finally and permanently end the abuse he gives you, or accept it and go back. Ask yourself: what would you tell your daughter to do? Would you want her in that type of relationship? If not, then why do you want yourself in that? You CAN get through this. Keep posting on here, and reach out to as many different people as you can for support.

By the way, I divorced my abusive ex and he's now on his fifth marriage. Goes to show he didn't change a bit. It will be the same thing with yours.

My kids tell me that their father can't even get past the "get to know you" stage before they run for the door! I'm not surprised. He wears his contempt for the world all over his face. He's too bitter to ever get married again after what I've done to him. Seriously.