Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I live in the south. My girlfriend and I rent a cute little house near the Mississippi River. We have a nice life.
I work hard.
I have a small concrete business. I do a lot of the work myself. Sometimes I can't keep up, sometimes I am calling customers or driving around looking for work.
I am up early every morning. Usually about 7. I plan my day and then go do it.
Sometimes I think I don't like to be idle. But I am old. 59. I only have a few thousand in my IRA. I have my girlfriend and three kids I want to be able leave something to when I die.
My girlfriend isn't similarly motivated.
She sleeps late.
Wakes up and plays Solitaire on her phone. Watches hours of crime dramas and Dr. Phil and other shows exploiting the poor, uneducated or obese.
I am getting tired of doing so much more than her.
And it effects her. Her brain isn't sharp. Oh, she drinks EVERY DAY!!!
She could be so productive.
She could be more physically active. Last week, I told her her belly sticks out farther than her boobs. Nothing! Not a hrumpf, a grunt of indignation, any sign of being taken aback.
So how do I fix this? Or do I? Or do I just leave?
We have talked. She knows she needs to improve.
But she doesn't. She does, but so little and so slowly its barely perceptable.
How do I talk to her? So far, it has been rational.
Do I treat her like a child? Impose rules? Should I get upset? I get mad, but I rarely loose my temper.
As normal, as I journal I find a solution. I am putting this out in hopes of getting opinions and feedback.
I am inclined to be strict and give praise.
Make her get up early, give her suggestions on what to do today, then (hopefully) praise her for getting things done.
I was a member here long ago. Dailystrength and my friends here helped me through divorce, depression, shyness and drugs. Some of my friends are still here. I hope to make new ones as I start making my (our) life(s) better.
Thanks for reading :)
ps; sorry about the tittle. I know this wasn't what you expected. ha!
I am not in this world to live up to your expectations,
And you are not in this world to live up to mine.
You are you, and I am I,
and if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful.
If not, it can't be helped.
(Fritz Perls, "Gestalt Therapy Verbatim", 1969)
Nolaguy - if your girlfriend is contributing nothing to the relationship financially, emotionally or otherwise, I think it's time you have a serious talk with her. She may be suffering from depression or some other emotional issue, for which she needs to get help. If you are choosing to stay with her you have to try and be supportive of that. If she isn't willing to change, I would consider getting out of the relationship. It sounds very soul-sucking to me!!! I live with a lazy partner who has been out of work a few times in our relationship (and not made much effort in those times to gain employment) and it is draining and frustrating. I totally understand your situation and feel for you. I hope you manage to figure out what's best for you and act on it.
It's his choices and behavior he needs to concern himself with, NOT hers.
People choose others for a reason. People stay for a reason.
If I hook up with and stay with a lazy, drug addicted so and so, guess who made that choice?
And "lazy" "alcoholic" "fat" whatever are subjective terms.
My ex was a legally prescribed drug addict.
He's very happy with his new wife. She's happy with him
Awesome
It wasn't my preference, so I moved on.
It's not about who's right, who's wrong, or who's better.
Either stay and stop complaining and taking someone else's inventory or take all the energy you're using to "fix" someone else and move on.
Actually, the folks over in the emotional abuse forum would be telling her to leave HIM.
If you're that mismatched, just leave. Everyone needs to be "right". Ugh.
Relax. I was simply stating that I found people to be a bit harsh with their estimation of the situation. You are inferring a whole lot about his situation that you don't even know (nor do I, for that matter). How do you know that he "chose her this way"??
And please be careful about throwing the emotional abuse card around so easily. That's an ugly brush to paint someone with when you don't know the full story and basing it on ONE COMMENT.
I'm just very wary of those in relationships that point the finger at the other guy, while having very little (if any) insight or accountability for what is a situation of their own making.
Those folks would say the OP's narcissistic supply is not being met.
Personally, I don't go there. I think it's another excuse to play victim.
Just my personal choice/opinion, so please no nasty PM's from those who identify as victims of narcissists.
by his post and i should not have Commented.
My ex and his mother are my own issue not the
OP, HUG
How long have you been dating?
How long have you been living together?
Has she always been like this?
If the last question is no. Then you want to ask yourself if something else is going on in her life. Any increased stress, medical issues, menopause, thyroid issues, etc. Possibly a medical checkup is in order.
If the answer to the last question (has she always been like this), then you probably need to re-evaluate the reasons that you got into the relationship (rebound, midlife crisis, your own depression, sex, even your own medical issues). You might even consider doing therapy for Yourself. Or just take a day to yourself, sit down and list what you want your own life to look like today, tomorrow, a year from now and ten.
As someone else said, it all comes down to choices. If despite her lack of motivation, she's relatively good company, isn't cheating on you, you get along, you have a good sex life...it might be worth it to you to stay. I can't answer this...I'm not you.
Also possible, that this isn't someone that you really want to keep living with (myself, the alcohol would be a deal breaker). In which case, it might be worth it to go through the inconvenience of giving up the cute house, and instead living in a cute apartment...or whatever.
You've already talked. She didn't change.
I wish you the best, Patti