I am in need of suggestions, or guidance, or something at this point. I say to myself, daily, that I want to be happy, that I am happy with who I'm becoming, and look forward to the future. I say to myself, that my ex was really bad for me, she is toxic, a poison, and thinking and analyzing things that involve her are just as poisonous. I say to myself, I'm a lucky guy, I have friends, family, who care and love me, and want what's best for me.

So if I say and believe these things, why is it I keep hurting myself. Not physically or anything, but with just thoughts. Someone on a music forum I belong too sent me a link, telling me to check out this artist named Mozez. I had never heard of him before, and was interested, and seeing as it was a forum dedicated to music, I didn't think there would be any harm. So I clicked the link, saw the guy on his album cover, and instantly recognized the cover.

Turns out, my ex, somehow, someway, managed to work something out with this musician, because he is using one of her first artwork fractals for his cover. So blow #1, right there, was that somehow she isn't just doing well, she is doing really well. #2, because I saw that, I had to verify that I was right, and I was, as it is on the main page of her newly built website. So #3, I sit here, cry, sulk, and feel horrible again.

I've found myself re-reading and re-reading over and over the passage she has on her art website about how she is doing so well, and how she is so happy, and found someone, and I keep doing it to myself. Knowing full well this is going to hurt, that I'm going to cry reading it, knowing that it will make me miserable.

Why do I keep doing this to myself? Do I secretly want to be miserable? I've been a mess for 2-3 days now, since seeing it, The emotional toll alone is flaring up my MG. I fell last night, because I couldn't stop crying while I was trying to walk to the bed. I haven't slept in 2 days now, and all I think about is how happy she is, and how I'll never be where she is. No matter how hard I try, I'll never overcome my illness, like she did.

I can't just spring back like her, and go back to work. Unlike her, I'm not faking being sick, and I will have to live with this for the rest of my life. I honestly think this harsh reality has somehow undid something I had put away years ago. I don't know why it matters now, but apparently it does, otherwise I wouldn't be feeling so empty inside again.

More overly, why is it she gets to live life free as a bird, happy, and in love, and I have to sit here, alone, struggling, sick, and as of late, in pain. She left me, she destroyed me from the inside out, and yet, voila, she can just stop pretending to be sick, go to work, have a new guy in her life, and even get her artwork featured.

What's really sad though, is the fact is that I'm not even mad that she found someone, or got featured, or even went back to work. I'm pissed she lied about being sick for 4 years yes, but even that I can forgive. What really hurts me, what keeps driving me to do all this, is the fact that she really doesn't need me. The fact is, I was really a hindrance to her, a burden, a mess. I was a massive problem for her, and now that she got rid of me, she can live a normal, healthy life, while I'm still stuck here. Stuck here, sick, unable to work, no foreseeable way of living on his own, no prospects. I'm just here, taking up space, wasting electricity, pushing myself through another day. For what?

And a bigger question, is am I that toxic of a person? Am i truly capable of making someone mentally unstable? Am I really capable of breaking someone down so far that they talk and act like a 5 year old? I just don't know the answers to this anymore. I thought it was her way of controlling me, but what if she wasn't controlling me at all, and I did this all to her. That makes me a horrible person, and I'm not sure how to live with that right now. I'm so hurt, and lost, in my head, and nothing makes sense anymore to me.

I don't know how to put any of this in a positive prospective at this point. All it shows me, is that I was indeed the problem, and I have no answer as to how to not be that again for someone else. I have no idea what I did to cause her to resent me and hate me so much, let alone break her to the point of her being ill when she was around me. How do I even prevent this from happening again?

I'm sorry, I'm just in a really bad frame of mind, so please understand if you can. I'm trying, but I don't see the point right now. I hope these feelings fade soon, and that the positive me that was here a month or 2 ago can come back. The one that didn't care one way or another what his ex was doing. The one who thought he had his life in his hands for the first time in 10+ years.