Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Hello everyone,
This is my first time on this board. So I feel a little embarrassed by what I'm struggling with. I was in a relationship that lasted 5 months, which I know is not very much time at all-not even enough time to be considered long term. But it was my first relationship. I didn't date much when I was younger because I was being bullied a lot in school and then in college I was in an environment that I didn't fit into, and because of that I struggled with depression. So, dating just didn't really happen. And then after college I moved away for a bit, went to grad school to start my social work career, and then I had great friends and a community I was focused on building, and so again, dating wasn't necessarily a priority.
I'm currently in my early 30s. I met this guy at work and he hadn't been in a relationship before either, and was 5 years younger than me. He was a really nice guy for the most part, and we fell for each other super quickly...too quickly now that I look back on it. But either way, it felt like we were deeply in love. At the beginning of our relationship we had promised that we would communicate with each other to try our hardest to make it work. He talked about how his brother had told him that since he met me his brother had never seen him happier.
He mentioned that he couldn't imagine his life without me, all of these things that now that I look back is probably more like love bombing. But I was caught up in it. On top of this, I have struggled with anxiety and chronic insomnia for the past 7 years, and the insomnia was pretty rough when I was with him. This made me hesitant to get into a relationship but I was determined not to let that hold me back. On top of that he was SO supportive of my health stuff, that I thought I had hit the jackpot. He struggled with pretty crippling social anxiety disorder so he understood mental health concerns.
Anyways, I don't want to make this too long of a story. But as time went on he started to pull away, without any explanation. Particularly the last month we were together. I tried asking him if there was anything wrong although I could, and should have asked more directly. But he basically said that nothing was. Then 2 days after Christmas, he ended it abruptly, and didn't want to try to work things out. He said he didn't love me anymore, which was incredibly painful, although now I realize that he never did...not truly anyway. I found out later that the first time he had felt that things were off had been 2 months prior, and he said nothing about his feelings.
Again, there's more to the story, and I basically now completely see how he was never the right one for me. There were various red flags that I ignored and didn't pay attention to, but still, I kept trying to focus on the good things. And when he pulled away, I thought that it was my imagination or that I was being too needy, and I was scared to bring things up because I thought that maybe it was because of my struggles with the insomnia that was making him pull away. All in all I thought it was me, and that if I just tried harder, we could make it work. And what made it even more painful was that he didn't even want to hear that maybe my health struggles that were impacting our dynamic, and I tried to tell him that I wanted to take a break, get healthy, and then come back to the relationship a better person. But he didn't want to hear this, but that he still wanted to be friends. I tried being friends with him right after the break-up, which I realize now was a big mistake. We tried being friends for about 3 months, until I confronted him saying that I was still hurt by some things that were said, and he completely dismissed me.
Is it normal to feel betrayed after something like this? I felt like he broke his agreement to talk about things if we were struggling or having concerns. It's been 9 months since we've talked and I feel better. But not today...today for some reason negative thoughts are back again. I gave it my all, and even though I knew deep down things were off, I still wanted to see the best in him and I tried to make things work. But he didn't. I know it's not infidelity, I know it's not abuse, but I can't lie that it hurts. Is this normal?
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check out that smoke ring. It tasted really good. I smothered it with Maulls BBQ sauce which is Local to St. Louis and one of the best I ever had.....
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I was recently separated from my wife of 33 years and it's complicated. Anyway I rented a room about 15 minutes away and I see my kids about once a week. I see the people who own the house I live in once in a while but other than that I stay in my room where I do my cooking, wash dishes in the shower, read, color, and sleep. I get out at least once a day. I grocery shop and I attend 2 meetings...
When someone decides for whatever reason to end a relationship theres usually nothing we can say or do to change there mind.
Bottom line is some relationships aren't meant to last. They are to teach us something or show us something. Please dont blame yourself for this. You didnt do anything wrong.
We are all guilty of ignoring red flags and just want to focus on the positive but as you have learned that its vital to pay attention to them.
Hope you feel better soon!
I can relate to "love bombing" experiences, relationships with anxiety/mental health and also ignoring red flags. In my past, I have tried to make a relationship work even though deep down I really didn't think it was best for us to be together. I couldn't help but feel like a failure if things didn't work out, but it's not fair to carry that those expectations and pressure, and it's not true or healthy. You alone are not the cause of the relationship ending, and it's okay to feel hurt by the relationship ending, even if it's not the right one. Part of being in relationship is being known, and if things change it can feel like that time was wasted, but I believe you probably learned a lot about yourself and what you want in a future relationship and that's really good to know. I have benefitted from walking through those feelings so that I can truly process them, and then move on. If I try to shove emotions under the rug because I don't want to feel them, it usually just prolongs the healing process.
I think it was wise of you to end the friendship after the relationship was over to allow yourself time to heal and gain perspective. So now I wonder, what could you focus your time on to invest in yourself and being the best you? I've found the best community in a church setting where I met friends of all different experiences and backgrounds that I could meet with and "do life" with. I used to think church was a museum of perfect people but quickly learned it more like a hospital for the broken, we all have our struggles but ultimately are much stronger together in community.
You seem like a great person, strong, young, smart and valuable. I bet you have a lot in your life to be grateful for. Best wishes to you moving forward. Keep your head up, and keep your standards for yourself high, you deserve it!
A close friend of mine told me, "The best way to get rid of old memories is to replace them with new ones!" That one suggestion, not only made me feel better but it motivated me to look for someone else. So I stopped all communication with the girl I was seeing at the time and simply focused on myself, I heard back from the girl within 3 months but by then, I already had someone else and I was no longer interested in the previous relationship.
I am convinced that everything happens for a reason. "When one door closes, another one opens which is always better then the first. It's the way things seem to work.
In summery, try to focus on other people, places, and things and you will be surprised at how quickly things can change for the better....if you want them to and expect them to.
God Bless