Hello I am having a hard time.  My relationship with my husband was never perfect and he always seemed interested in something other than a loving relationship.  About a year ago our 3 year old daughter came to me and basically described that he was abusing her.  I went to court about the issue, but he just made me out to be mentally crazy and now has the kids.  In the past year he has basically used me in order to see the children.  I ended up pregnant again and have had little power to try to go to court to try to file for custody because of finaces.  We have been living seperatly for over a year.  Every morning I wake up saddened that my now 4 year old daughter and 2 year old son are not living with me and feel like a failure.  I am afraid that he is still abusing my daughter. I have been working part time and going to school again.  

I know our relationship was bad, I tried to make him happy, but nothing was ever good enough.  I know I am better off away from him, but it is hard dealing with the fact that right now he has control of my babies.  I have a lawyer who works with a nearby womens shelter who is going to hopefully help me get visitation and custody.  Even though I know this man is sick, I still feel bad.  I am glad I got away from him and I am doing my best to create a better future, but sometimes I get overwhelmed by my current situation.  I don't understand why he treated me bad and how everything basically back-fired in my face.  I don't have many friends and my parents seem unconcerned and think that I made everything up.  I can not understand why anyone would think I would want to make up something so sick.  I would never make up something like that if it was not real.  

Last year I filed for divorce.  In the past half year my ex basically has been letting me see the children, but demands sexual gratifacation as soon as they fall asleep.  I had not seen the babies in two months and I was desperate to see them.  I guess part of me hoped if we got back together as least I would be around the children again.  Needless to say he has no intention of us getting back together and is just using me surprise surprise.  Like I said now I am 7 months pregnant with our third child.  Over Christmas he started pushing the divorce issue and says he wants nothing to do with this baby.  At this point I am happy to have the opportunity to have another child, but I just want to be able to at least have joint custody of the other children.  It really doesn't bother me that he doesn't want to be be involved with the new baby, but I am afraid he will change his mind or try to take this child.  Even though I stayed at home with the other two children for three years caring for them, he tries to make it sound like I am some sort of unfit mother, which is not true.  I guess it is all part of his grand control game.

My heart is broken.  I tried so hard to make this man happy.  I gave him everything.  I tried to be the best wife and mother.  All he did was act like I was not pretty enough, thin enough, ect.   He basically took everthing from me, my self-respect and my children.  

I know is it silly but I am still looking for some sort of explaination.  I keep trying to believe this situation will get better and that this is only temporary.  But it is hard for me looking around my house missing my children and not knowing when I will see them next and if they are ok.  I am excited to have a new baby, but it is going to be hard to transition back to mommy-land.  Hopefully this man does not change his mind and try to be part of the baby's life.  At any rate this is my messed up world.  

The saddest part I think is that I still have love for this man, I am so desperate that a part of me wishes he would somehow morph into some type of decent human being.  I guess this is part of my sickness of being in abusive relationships for a long time.  I want a normal loving relationship.  I want to have someone do special things and care about me.  Right now I feel like all I know how to do is at least separate myself from the other person.  I am a thoughtful loving person, I don't understand why this man could never treat me with love and respect.  

I hope things get better for me, but right now it is going to take a lot of hard work and healing to get to a better place.  Thanks for reading.