Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Hi,
I would really appreciate some advice on my current situation as I am finding living through the experience day to day very tough right now.
My wife of over twenty years told me a month ago that she wanted a divorce and it transpires that she is having an affair with a married friend and wishes to set up home with him. We have three children together (two teenagers and a pre-teen) who I love deeply and am hoping to have majority custody of after the divorce (based on the preferences they have expressed to me).
My problem is this – we are stuck living in the same house together until the divorce and the financial settlement are finalised. My wife wants majority custody of the children and is insisting on staying put so and not to prejudice her financial settlement and so that she can mount a charm offensive and try and win back the affections of the children (which she had in truth lost years or months before she asked for the divorce). This last week she spent over £800 of joint funds on shopping expeditions with the children in a blatant attempt to buy their affections. Fortunately for me the children are well aware of her intent and are shamelessly and cynically exploiting her new-found generosity.
Our living arrangements are the very definition of intolerable. I am now sleeping on a (comfortable) mattress on our dressing room floor whilst my wife is sleeping in the marital bed. Before the new mattress arrived she had offered to take turns but the old mattress but I had turned her down as I thought it might cause her back problems – I thought that the situations was bad enough without one of us being in constant pain. Now that the new mattress has arrived she has changed her mind and refuses to sleep in the dressing room telling me that I am welcome to sleep in the same bed as her, a prospect I really couldn’t handle right now. I have also had to ask her not to walk around naked in front of me in, she doesn’t seem to realise the effect that these things have on my attempts to find my own space and try to heal.
The biggest issue that the moment for me is that she is flaunting her new relationship in front of me. She is constantly on the phone to the man she now describes as being her partner and often video chats to him in the living areas of the house. I have inadvertently caught glimpses of his face on her phone when I have passed through a room she has been in.
All of this and the constant contact with the woman who now seems to view me a something she wants to scrape off her shoe is meaning I am finding it really difficult to find my own space to heal and come to terms with the end of a relationship that I had honestly believed would be for life. I am trying to shut down any conversation she starts which is either a laundry list or an attempt to justify her actions due to her criticism of my own faults. After those incidents I find I need to shut myself away for a bit and repeat my affirmations to try and get my head right.
The other issue is that although I am by nature a patient and calm person I fear that her provocations will result in some sort of outburst on my part which will later be used against me. I am trying to use sympathetic friends to help me vent some of my frustrations but I fear overloading them and being “that divorce guy” who only talks about one thing. I have started exercising more and this has also been a useful outlet for my frustrations.
Any help or advice you can give me for staying sane and trying to heal would be much appreciated as with the current state of the divorce process we are likely to be living together in this house for another 3-4 months.
Ignoring her or killing her with kindness are the two best things you can do right now. She is going to continue to get an angered response from you. Record everything she does, with dates and times and pictures if possible. Evidence is EVERYTHING.
Go to court, file for joint custody , no child support for her and the children are of age now to decide who they want to live with.
You look like a more stable parent in court so the judge is not going to like what she did very much.
I think you have nothing to worry about. You win. She is the idiot.
Judges have seen this over and over. They can see trouble a mile away.
Just make sure the kids know nothing about you dating anyone else until the court hearing is over.
Stay cool, stay composed and it will be over fast .
Consult with a lawyer and upon that advice kick her out and stop any funding of her that you can.
Take back your bedroom! If she wants to be a whore, let her do it without your help.
Fight for custody of your children by being consistent and ethical in your treatment of them.
Your wife has is despicable. Grant her no favors BUT do not let her get under your skin.
Like I said, grow a pair and stand up for yourself and your family.
If you've already filed and have completed the financial affidavits, document all extravagant expenses, you can try to recoup them in the settlement, or use them to offset an asset you want to keep. Plus any expenses related to her affair. Be diligent in combing through records, if she's spent alot. Once the initial divorce papers are filed, expenses outside of basic household upkeep are less marital and more yours/hers. The settlement will deal with that part of things.
Also, a few months ago when I was trying to speak to my husband about something regarding the pets, he knocked a pet food bowl out of my hands, threatened to hurt me, then told me to get away, because he said that if he touched me he knew he'd land in jail. I told my lawyer of this, and she assured me that I could have him removed from the house, if I felt unsafe. I didn't want to go that far, but just be aware that sympathy is often on the side of the "little woman", however fair or unfair that may be.
I'm on month 10 of living with stbx since the filing. It's not fun and may drag on much longer than you could have ever imagined.
The best advice I can give is to try to avoid contact as much as possible. Keep out of the house when she's there, whenever you can. Take the kids with you to places - walking around outside, the park, movies, biking, enjoying the spring. Create new routines with them. They feel the tension in the house and will welcome getting away. And make up your own room. Lock the bathroom door when you're in there, if she's flaunting her nakedness around you (a definate power trip). My stbx keep barging in on me in the bathroom (it's a one bathroom house) and it took forever until he understood that he does not have the right anymore to use the toilet while I'm in the shower!! Selfish people will always be selfish.
As people have pointed out I can't force her to leave as her name is also on the mortgage so I am stuck living like this for the next few months until we reach the end of the road.
I am keeping a diary of events so I can refer back if necessary. This is partly to help me make sense of everything and partly to document events and any unreasonable behaviour that occurs.
I have found various activities to do with the children on my weekends with them which gets us out of the house and away from the atmosphere.
Its a sad statement to make but after more than a quarter of a century together I now can't for it all to be over and have her out of my life.