This is a 3 year story.  Probably longer if you consider the baggage my wife and I brought to our relationship.  3 years ago I found out my wife had an emotional affair which started on a business trip and continued for a month after getting back until I found out about it.  She insists that they never had sex but she did say she thought she wanted to leave the relationship.  I have always adored her and was shocked and blind-sided.  She said that the relationship was lacking and she felt I had anger issues.  After living in limbo for about a month, she decided that she wanted to try and save the marriage and we each went to individual counseling and couples counseling for the next 2 years.  

We made a lot of progress and my anger issues were pretty much non-existent at that point.  At that time we discussed moving from where we were living in Colorado to the Pacific Northwest to get a fresh start and because in order for my wife to further her career she needed to go to another organization.  I have always been supportive of her career and decided we should start looking and she found a postion in the Seattle area.

We ended up moving our entire family (2 kids)  here a year ago and I was able to start working remotely from home.  About 3 months ago, my wife started seeing a counselor and a month ago she told me that she still felt like the relationship wasn't working out and she felt like she was codependent and that I was emotionally abusive.  

As I wasn't sure what was meant by emotional abuse I couldn't argue that I wasn't. I found some information and read a few books and realized that some of my behaviour was emotionally abusive.  I was often very critical of my wife and did something called "gas-lighting" where I used logic during our arguments to make her question whether she was really within her rights to complain about something.  

I was in an unhealthy place because I was working at home by myself and didn't get much if any adult interaction  I started drinking 3 or 4 times a week and was probably dealing with depression and was a horrible husband.  I realized this behavior was going on a month prior to her telling me she wanted out of the relationship and I made changes.  I joined a gym and stopped drinking but as I didn't realize the critical behavior was a problem it was still there.

I admitted that she was completely right and took ownership of my behavior. I told her I would go to counseling to get help with this too, just as I had for the anger issues and that I would do everything in my power to fix my behavior and work on our marriage.   All she could say was she thought it might be too late and she asked me to move into the guest bedroom while she decided what to do.  She has been trying to decide whether she should leave the relationship or stay and fight for us.

I felt let down by my own counselor in Colorado as well as our couples counselor as all of the problems that were brought up and worked on and resolved never involved emotional abuse. Neither of them had seen the emotionally abusive behavior in me and I didnt' realize I was doing it.  Now that I am aware of the behavior I know I can fix it just as I did with the anger issues I had before but perhaps it is too late to save the marriage.

We have been living under the same roof for almost a month in this limbo while she tries to figure out whether she wants to go or to stay.  She told me she doesn't want any physical affection from me and I have honored that request.  However, I continue to support her emotionally with regards to giving her my ear to discuss work and other aspects of our lives.   I continue to do house work and take care of the kids afterschool (since I work from home) and periodically she says things to me like, "I am so confused" and then asks for a hug.  I give the hugs to her and that gives me hope.  However it is often followed by the fact that for the next couple of days she is usually distant and not engaged.  

My counselor advised me to not put any pressure on her whatsover.  Even indirectly by asking her about her counseling or telling her I love her or giving her gifts.  I will continue to live in this limbo as long as there is still a chance for us to work this out.  

I feel like I gave her a second chance with regards to the affair and I just wish she would see how much I love her and that she would give me chance to work on myself and our marriage.  I do believe she is questioning whether she can work on her codependency while staying in the relationship and that maybe why she is still entertaining the idea of leaving. I am not sure.  The codependency started in her child-hood due to an alcoholic father and a emotionally absent mother.

Does anybody out there have any ideas/suggestions on how to deal with a situation like this?   I feel strong and positive one day and the next I am a distraught and a blubbering pile of emotions.

Anyways, thanks for listening.  I don't really have any friends here in WA which is why I am here to hopefully get some advice and support.