My ex is dating an 18 year old cheerleader, and telling his family he is in love. It really hurt me, even though it is so pathetic (he's 43). He's hired her idiotic sister to take care of "sales" in his company and doing a whole bunch of other stupid stuff. Of course I felt bad, how could he prefer an uneducated idiot 18 year old over me? But really, it says a lot more about him than it does about me, right? Same with you. Thay found the easiest target. They will pay for it sooner or later, you'll see.

what I have to keep telling myself is "Im daring to have a new life, its just whether or not I want to do something about it or live in loss of my husband".

You are pretty much having thoughts about the things that make YOU happy and YOU can be happy living with. This includes YOUR decisions, YOUR own plans, YOUR own wants and needs.

If you ask me- they are the losers, and if they want to be tied up in a new relationship where they both have problems- so what let them- cause ya know what- maybe they'll kill each other- than you wont have to deal with it all.

just my opinion. lol.

Regardless- I believe there is nothing wrong with reflection- you really have to ask yourself (even in doubt) if what youre doing now is worth more to you than ever going back down the road you were on.

Those paths we already know where they lead.

Kd,

There's a huge difference in how you both are moving forward.

You, are healing.

He is headed for a train-wreck. You really think he's going to be happy? He may "appear" like he's living life and getting over it, but it's my opinion, that he hasn't even processed yet.

It's all going to explode in his face, I am not saying to take pleasure in it, but just know it's going to happen. ;)

Thanks everyone- I know I am better off- soooo much better off! And really- I know they deserve each other (unstable cheaters should be with unstable cheaters, right?). I really do want a new, happier life-that couldn't happen with him- I am just tired of feeling so down about myself. Why did I wrap so much of my self-worth up in a dysfunctional man?? My counselor said that this has more to do with the cycle of abuse than true feelings about my stbx.. so that is what I am focusing on.

And Jaken, the reality is I was the only one who put any love into this relationship. His narcissism apparently makes him incapable of loving others (he only loves himself). I guess he believes he loves you while you are a "fix" for him- but he can drop you without even a look back when he is done with you... that is definitely not love!! My brain gets all of this- it's my heart that hurts.

Thanks again- hugs to you!
K

It is hard to focus on ourselves when we spent so much of our life focused on another person. Look at yourself and only yourself. figure out what you want. The other person is gone. Their life with you is gone. It is time to take care of you without that person. Trully, dont worry about who they are with, what they are doing. Start living your life and not theirs. Do what you enjoy. Ask yourself, what kind of person am I? do you like who you are? If yes, embrace it. If no, make a plan and start making some changes. That is what i did. It is hard at first, make the first few baby steps, then before long you will be running in the front of the pack. But it takes time.

The balance I can live with, my ex seems to be moving on but what really gets in my face is the fact that because we have a child I have to deal with her although I really don't want too, this keeps hitting me in the face and I see no answer.

hi

I think that we share a common theme in how we feel. All completely normal.

I wish that I had a magic wand and I could wave the hurt away. I think not dealing with the crushing feelings of a lost relationship is what kept me stuck in it.

I guess what I am doing is trying to focus on myself and healing my heart. I let myself be sad, but I also try to keep busy. I am making plans and new goals for myself.

I try not to picture the new woman, because if I do I picture a Victoria Secret model! I know that I have a good, kind heart. I am compassionate, attractive and I am capable of love. But, I also know that taking time to heal and not leap frog into a new relationship is what I need to do right now.

Intellectually we know that our ex's were not good for us, but sometimes it takes our heart time to catch up.

Hugs.

I can't add much to the wonderful advice already given , but I wanted you to know that I hear you, and understand the letting go , or lack there of real well. It is the reason that I kept taking him back, which was a huge mistake. Just keep on course to taking care of yourself. He had jumped into the fire and will get burnt, but thank goodness you won't have to pick up the pieces. Try and control the things you can and that is you and your reactions, and keep on healing, so that you have a chance at a new life, without the baggage of the past. Big healing hugs, Kimmee

I share your same feelings. While we were with them we actually wanted them out of our lives...with all the abuse and lack of love. now, they are gone, and we want them with us...all of a sudden we forget the bad times and focus on the good times. Then, we imagine that they can perform miracles on themselves and they become lovable, gallant, perceptive, etc. etc. etc. all those qualities that they don't have. And that further, they will be so different that they will live happily ever after with another person. those are games our minds play on us...they are normal games,,,,but games...which we must identify as such. Those relationships do not last long...because they are rebound relationships. it is documented. Finally, I want to say what I have been telling myself all these months....never compare yourself to another person. This really is not about you or her...it is about them...who cannot put energy into strengthening a home, a marriage and prefer to be cowards and do the "easy" thing (or so they think)and find someone to beleive their lies and have pity for them. They are also looking for a high and being with someone new is like a drug. That is basically what it is all about..getting a high on hormones so they don't have to face reality like true brave persons, willing to work and fight for valuable things in life. Hold on tight...you will come out successful...because you are grieving as you should and not being a coward, like him.

when I was home in Canada last week, I was reading in the paper and this quote spoke to me.

"It takes more strength to walk away, then to hold on"