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I did a post in another community about trust, but I guess what I really want to know, is when should we be okay with a lie from our partner?
Are there some lies that are meant only to avoid conflict and we should just deal with or are they all bad?
I know I have lied to telemarketers or when my sister asks me how she looks after she has cried for an hour, but the rest of the time, try to always tell the truth even when it makes me look bad.
I am struggling with whether or not my fiance lies too much, I already have huge trust issues from my last relationship and don't know if I am making a big deal out of nothing or what?
Examples:
1) I asked, early in the relationship, where he got a chain he wears. He said he bought it, later, it came out that his exs' dad gave it to him.
2) I asked if he ever had sex in his car with anyone, thought it would be fun to have a first time, he lied and said no, later found out he did.
3) He has a has a thing for buying coins and I don't always understand spending that much on them, but have tried to be cool, he often lies about how much he spent or whether or not he bought any at all.
4) I am not a drinker, at all, just don't like it, he likes to drink from time to time, but often hides it and lies, one time he threw the cans outside of our office window and the neighbors, consequently think he's crazy.
I try to rationalize it all, maybe he figures it is better than having a discussion about it, but it makes me wonder if he feels it necessary to lie about some extremely insignigicant things, what else is he lieing about?
Any thoughts or opinions on this matter would be greatly appreciated!!
Are there some lies that are meant only to avoid conflict and we should just deal with or are they all bad?
I know I have lied to telemarketers or when my sister asks me how she looks after she has cried for an hour, but the rest of the time, try to always tell the truth even when it makes me look bad.
I am struggling with whether or not my fiance lies too much, I already have huge trust issues from my last relationship and don't know if I am making a big deal out of nothing or what?
Examples:
1) I asked, early in the relationship, where he got a chain he wears. He said he bought it, later, it came out that his exs' dad gave it to him.
2) I asked if he ever had sex in his car with anyone, thought it would be fun to have a first time, he lied and said no, later found out he did.
3) He has a has a thing for buying coins and I don't always understand spending that much on them, but have tried to be cool, he often lies about how much he spent or whether or not he bought any at all.
4) I am not a drinker, at all, just don't like it, he likes to drink from time to time, but often hides it and lies, one time he threw the cans outside of our office window and the neighbors, consequently think he's crazy.
I try to rationalize it all, maybe he figures it is better than having a discussion about it, but it makes me wonder if he feels it necessary to lie about some extremely insignigicant things, what else is he lieing about?
Any thoughts or opinions on this matter would be greatly appreciated!!
I get the feeling that if he can so casually lie about little things to you, he'll have no problem at all when it comes to the big stuff.
If your radar starts going off about anything, I wouldn't believe a word he says without any proof.
He also collects coins and books, and would lie about how much he paid for them on ebay. Or about whether he'd bid on anything at all.
He'd also lie about things to do with his first divorce. Things that wouldn't have affected anything with ME, but he still lied to me about them.
I still thought he was a "nice guy" and basically trustworthy, because none of the lies seemed to really be all that important.
Big mistake.
He had an affair and lied about that before, during, and after. Now I don't trust a word he says, and wish I'd paid attention to the lies he told at the beginning.
My motto to everyone is, If you don't want to hear the truth, don't ask.
He can lie so casually and doesn't seem concerned that it hurts you.... think twice, three times.....
Maybe he is demonstrating a lack of trust in your commitment to stay and love him through the resolution of issues (sometimes experience teaches us that conflict causes abandonment) or maybe he's just a habitual liar. You need to find out which it is and face that issue.
me: why do you feel you have to lie to me about little things, I don't care what the answer is, I just want the truth.
him: I don't lie
me: yes you do, (gave same examples, as in my post)
him: so, if I don't tell you everytime I buy a coin, I am lying??
me: withholding is lying too! If you have an affair and I don't ask if you did, your not guilty of lying?
him: well, ah, um
me: and further more, what if I ask if you slept with annie and you say no, because you didn't, you slept with Jill, that's not considered a lie??!
him: I guess I didn't look at it that way, but we're not talking about cheating.
It went on and on. YIKES!, I am starting to come out of a very blissful denial.
Lie 1) He liked the necklace but didn't want you to associate it with his ex or her family
Lie 2) well that lie was a white lie but it was just plain stupid if you ask me. It begs the question, why did you lie about that?
Lie 3)this deals with finances but as long as his hobby isn't putting you into debt, then why not say Look I don't understand this fascination of yours but as long as you agree to not spend more than _____ per year on it then its fine
Lie4) This one makes me wonder, on one hand he may in his own bizarre way be trying to respect your wishes by trying to avoid you seeing him drink. On the other hand he may drink too much and may realize somewhere in his head that he has a problem but doesn't want to confront it. Maybe tell him that although you don't drink you don't want him to feel he has to hide it and besides if he had an accident and had to go to the hospital and the doctor asked if/how much he had drank that day you'd like to be able to answer.
Just keep an eye out and consider his motivation, I understand lying about the necklace and to some extent the car sex(stupid but I guess he wanted you to feel special). The other stuff warrants a conversation about communication and honesty.
take care,
Gia