Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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monsolo 01/14/2017

One month ago, my wife of 10 years, asked me to "set her free" and that she has feelings for someone else. Turns out that she's been holding a secret for almost a year and that she has been living a double life. She was expecting me to get mad and show her the door, but instead I felt compassion for why she made her decisions. I saw how the ways we were disconnected affected her choices. I saw how my actions caused her distance. I look back at our relationship and don't even recognize me, the person stuck in the routine of life. Now my heart is open and we are sharing and processing everyday. It feels like there is hope from both sides. We have a 10 year old daughter who would be devistated if we part ways.

After my wife shared with me her secret, it was the first time that we started communicating again. And now we are starting to connect again. She broke up with her boyfriend (even though she still loves him), we started going to couples therapy, she has said sorry and we both are now in an awkward place. Can we trust eachother again? Can I trust her? Can she trust that I won't become distant again? And the mood swings. Each day is a different day, each moment. We both feel up and down and go from hope to dispare at any moment.

My situation feels like it could go either way, divorce or healing. Are there any examples of people recovering from affaires or should I just move on? I'm still in love with her. I feel like most people would try to tell me "wft are you doing, bro?". "once a cheater, always a cheater". "she's being selfish", "move out now", "get away from this asap". But we are actually healing and communicating now, which was the problem in the first place. Keep trying or move on?

cleigh 01/14/2017

I believe in marriage "for better or for worse". You are living through the worse. I believe 100% in trying to work it out, especially if neither one of you has checked out. There is a child and you two made a vow to each other to be married til death do you part. I commend you for trying to save your marriage that I believed can be saved. Good luck to both of you...you have a long road ahead of you on this recovery journey!

Ahota 01/14/2017

In my experience the the trust doesn't come back unless both people are actively working on the issues. And it sounds like you guys are. I think it will be a continuous effort throughout the entire course of the life of your marriage. Good luck!

SBC1238 01/14/2017

It appears there is still hope for your marriage, and I believe you both should give it 100% which it appears you are. Yes forgiveness will obv need to be a part of this process, but we all make mistakes and it is worth a shot. Good luck! And as for all your friends putting in their 2 cents, they are not living in your shoes.

monsolo 01/14/2017

Thank you for the responses and encouragement. Just to be clear, it isn't always hopeful, we are both having doubts too. And I don't feel her 100%... yet. She is processing still. She feels terrible for how her actions have caused pain in me, but still is wavering and having mixed feelings about who she is and what she wants. But if this is possible, and if there is hope, I will choose to focus on it. Water it and be positive. No matter what happens, if we divorce or get back together, I choose to learn more about myself and others.

mirandac 01/14/2017

She should have absolutely no contact with the Affair
partner and be willing to be totally transparent To build
your trust again. Your trust is to be earned Not just given.
Thats reconciliation, 101.

Sometimes people can not make it after a couple years
The feelings of faith, trust and respect are not restored.
Sometimes when the marriage breaks down its broken.

You seem to have a good attitude , Keep trying, keep an
open mind but if they are in contact that is not a good
sign and she is still in love with him.

My ex was bonded with another woman and he wanted
Out. They had been friends for awhile. He was disconnected
And checked out for years before this happened. HUGS

STex 01/14/2017

I would totally give it a chance if you both are willing to put the hard work in. Has she told you everything? Has she given full access to her life, passwords etc..? Have you seen a doctor to make sure she has not picked up something? How do you know there has been no contact? This is still pretty recent and unfortunately the truth never comes fully out when discovered. The cheater will minimize, lie, act remorseful in order to get their life where they can handle things. They almost never stop seeing each other in the beginning. Is the other man married? Has his wife been told? You can not hide this. Affairs live in the dark and will continue unless exposed.

mirandac 01/14/2017

Its not advisable for you to be the one telling the
affair Partner spouse or partner. That only creates
More trouble and unrest in an already bad and
Unhealthy situation.

My ex did not stop on his own accord, with his
First Emotional attachment, i had to go see my
lawyer and then the girl left town. It was not a
Real Sexual attraction situation and she was still
Actively drinking.

After that he went underground with Another
woman and theirs was a much deeper Friendship.
I had no clue until he asked for a Divorce. Don't
know if it ever got physical or Not. The three of
them Were AA buddies together.

I did do all the testing regardless of what He told
me. He admitted to sex after he left and had asked
for a divorce. I asked him outright, it doesn't mean i
Believed him. I don't really know what he was doing
the last year, he Just got real quiet and i was working
A lot. HUGS

STex 01/14/2017

I have to differ with you here Miranda the other spouse if there is one needs to know what she has been exposed too. It is a moral obligation in my opinion. If the affair remains in the dark it will continue. She might not like it but that is her choice. She also might be grateful that someone told her and confirmed her suspicions. I would want to know.

monsolo 01/14/2017

@stex and @mirandc, thank you for you insight here. here are some answers to some of the questions above. my wife is being transparent now. she and her affair said their goodbyes so that we could try to save the marriage. he emailed her later that week and she hasn't replied. she is tested and is clean and not pregnant. @stex: she hasn't told me everything, mainly because I don't want to know. i really hope that we can restore trust and a feeling of connection with each other, but you are right (stex), it will be a lot of work.

I'm trying to be present with her, to nourish the simple things in life. To walk with her, to talk, to help her through her day, etc. And inside, I'm in pain. I have jealously and a broken heart. But I breath and give thanks. Try not to dwell on the future and the past. Try to be in the moment.

@mirandc, thanks for sharing your story, i really feel for you and your advice. i will most likely read all the comments on this page over and over.

mirandac 01/14/2017

Sending you a big hug, this journey is so Hard
when we are so invested. My emotional Self and
my grieving are my Constant companions. HUGS

paiste7 01/16/2017

I am so sorry. I can't imagine what his must be like. However, I require 100% faithfulness and dedication. I would think that counseling could possibly help. But I have noticed that men and women who cheat once, usually do it again and again. In many cases, they can't help it. Hope this helps. Please keep us posted.

Poison 01/16/2017

Monsoon I am currently going through this now. I am the one with more hope. I just had a conversation today with my husband about the ups and downs. These last few days have been down but not as bad as they were in the beginning. My husband cheated and he tells me that he doesn't feel like he deserves my forgiveness. It may be the guilt your spouse feels that keeps her at less than 100%. I will say it can be frustrating being the forgive and forgiven unable to believe they have been forgiven. I don't have any answers for you but want to let you know that you are not alone. This is a journey. One I believe worth making regardless of the outcome, be it full restoration of our marriage or divorce. I need to know that I did all I could. I pray you have strength to get through it and that your marriage will be restored for the better. Communication is the key. Don't stop talking.

monsolo 01/16/2017

@poison, thank you. i feel for you, we are going through the same things. the hard part now is learning the things about myself and how i caused my wife to desire a secret life. we were distant and it wasn't the things that I did to her, it was the things that i didn't do. she ended up feeling uncared for, unappreciated. we had 2 different ways of sharing and receiving love and no good communication skills. i thought i was showing care, but she wasn't feeling it. it will be easier to forgive the affair, then it may be for her to forgive my workaholism and my daily choices. you're right, this is a journey for personal growth, regardless of how things turn out. And communication is the only way. Being honest is the only way. Hearing the things that are hard to hear is the only way. You and I both have a hard task ahead of ourselves. It won't be easy, but if there is a tiny chance, we gave it our best shot. We can look back later and say we tried. We didn't slam the door.

I believe that we are all living in the future and have been given the chance to go back into the past, which is now, and make the right choice.

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