So sorry, my heart breaks for all you have gone through and are going through now. Please be careful! From what you share, you cannot count on your husband being kind, compassionate, reasonable, loving or fair. A loving husband does NOT rape or bully his wife. This is NEVER acceptable. You were wise to take yourself out of this situation and protect yourself. You need to be safe. I am glad you have reached out for assistance. I would strongly urge you to go to the National Domestic Abuse Hotline website at http://www.thehotline.org/ or call 1-800-799-SAFE and talk to people who understand what you are going through. They will give you strength to make choices to keep yourself safe. You should minimize your contact with him right now to avoid being manipulated or drawn back into an unsafe home. Abusive people are hurt people who are confused and insecure and who desperately need control because they feel out of control. He will do anything to try to get you back but you need to stay strong! You need support from those who understand. You also need a lawyer. You need family and friends who love you and support you. It is so loving of your daughter to support you right now. I know it feels like a hurricane right now. I know you feel conflicted and you may even feel sorry for him. He needs to acknowledge that he has wounded you and he needs to get the help he needs. Do not give him your rings or any other possessions. Do not even engage in these discussions. Let your lawyer advocate for you and handle financial issues. Right now, spend time being gentle with yourself and rest. Seek out a support group. Make an appointment with your doctor and be sure you are okay medically, you have been through a lot of stress and trauma. Your physician may also offer you resources to get you through this time. Do not let your husband bully you! Husbands do not bully wives. Remember what is right and true and reach out for help. This is not a time to be alone, you need others to help hold you up. Wishing you hope and peace.

So he seems to be taking this all so calmly.....then he tells me he is bringing a load of my personal things up in his car on saturday. I told him we have nowhere for them but he insists he needs to drop them off, i am at least two hours solid driving away. Whats it all about? I know he could put a car load in my hobby room at our house. He doesnt need to bring it up. ?! Is it all part of the plan to confuse and disarm?

I have had a bad few days. Its final now. Im struggling to let it all go. I feel scared and elated at the same time. I want to move forward but i want it all back too. It feels horrible.

What you are feeling is very normal, scared and elated all at the same time. You are leaving life as you knew it but thankful that the abuse and control will not be a part of your daily life. It is totally understandable that you are upset about dropping your stuff off. It is probably about control, it might even be manipulation to convince you to come back, he may also want a confrontation. It may not be wise to there alone with him. You may want to consider having a family member or friend there. You may want to think about not being there at all, explaining in a text that you have an appointment and he can leave your things outside. The last thing you need in your fragile and hurt state is more hurt and anger. Take fifteen minutes at a time and remember that your priority right now is to keep yourself safe and to have an invisible wall around your heart. Hang strong, you can do this! You need to remember that you are special and this is not the plan for your life. I am holding you close in my thoughts.

Ahaaa, I have just realised why he is dropping all that stuff off!
apart from the control of course but he wants me to sign my shares over to him for his company. I said I wouldn't do that until everything I wanted was sorted out….he emailed me and said to have the documents signed and ready for when I drop off your stuff.
Hmm…it all becomes clear.
I can't decide the best way forward with this.
1. Ignore it and say I will sign them and post them to him, make light of it.
2. Have a frank and honest conversation about me needing the finances sorted before I will sign.
Insist on having a court order. I have already said I am happy to sign them over when everything is sorted. I need his goodwill to secure a new job as he is my previous employer. What would you do?

My feeling is that I want to see him and get a feeling for whats going on with him. Make light of it and say I will post them on.
?!

Those rings are likely gifts or items you had pre-marriage, and they are yours to do with what you want. Keep them, sell them, they're yours. You're not asking for gifts back that you gave to him, are you? As far as documenting, I would go with email. Email is easy to print off and trace, plus the date and time stamp are useful. If you don't have your own email, get one. If you have your own email, change the password. He is low-balling you. If you haven't worked in some time outside the business, who knows how long it'll take you to get gainfully employed. What if the 500 pounds a month (which is like $650 US) isn't enough to cover your bills? It wouldn't even cover rent any place I know of, forget about food or utilities, or expenses for the car. If you're certain you can get a good job quickly and just really want out now, then maybe go with it. If you're not so sure about the job, then see what your lawyer and the other support people have to advise.


Sorry about your hair, that's very hard on your self-image and esteem. I image that it's stress related? Did you see a doctor about that? If so, keep records of that as well, or ask them to write up a summary about their findings.


Eventually, hurricanes die out. You sound smart and are taking all the right steps. Keep it up and let us know what happens. We're here for you.

He is no Goodwill Ambassador. What's to say he won't bad mouth you to a prospective employer, even if you give him everything he wants. He is not trustworthy.

As far as signing over the shares, how involved were you in the business? If you worked there full time for the length of your marriage, even through 3 years is not that long, you were a business partner. If his partner was just some other person, would they willingly just sign over their shares? No, they'd want compensation, which is what you deserve. Fight for it. You never want to accept the first offer anyone throws at you in negotiations. Especially emotionally charged manipulative bully "negotiations". Get what you deserve so you can be on a solid foundations.

This sounds like a lot of game playing, which I'm not good at. You need to be more assertive. Though I realize that can be challenging for some, this is going to seriously effect how you come out of this, especially with this guy because he's apparently used to telling you what to do and getting away with it.

First of all, you don't need his "good will".

No employer is going to consider a reference from someone's ex spouse, whether its good bad or indifferent. You were in business with your abusive ex husband. Period. Self employed.

Do not give him anything, sign anything, speak to him, allow him to manipulate you, etc. The only thing he wants from you now is to steal what's rightfully yours.

How insulting.

I would never let him get away with it.

wow, thanks everyone.
I was thinking I would go along with it for the sake of a quiet life and to be able to get on.
I want whats mine, which is everything in that house. The £500 is low but for such a short marriage that is about what I am advised I will get. The shares themselves are worthless really. Except he wants them to boost his ego. I could argue with him for ages and still end up with the same deal.
I am keen to get this all sorted so I can focus on my studies. My course starts in September and I would love to have a clear head to be able to focus on that.
And you are right, I don't need his reference, I have been self employed technically anyway and have professional referees. Good point!
I told him I won't sign them over until the finances are in order and I have my things.
Thanks for the clarity and clear thinking from you guys here. x Ive lost mine!

You can't have an honest and straight conversation with a sociopath.
The best advice my therapist gave me is to be better at being sociopath than my ex. It works!
I suggest you do the same. You know him. Play his game by letting him think he has control over you. You will see how Quickly things will change.
However , you have to be emotionally strong to do this.
Go!

Good advice aronia. Butting heads with him never helps, he just gets worse. I see your point and will try that today. He always responded better to me being pathetic and telling him I needed him to help me…. he said just before I left 'Why can't you just let me look after you and just do what I tell you.' Life with him would be a life where I am a 1950's housewife. Look after him, be there when he wants someone to go out with, be there when he wants sex. Just a toy really. The price is too high.