Hey guys,

I'm new here. I've done a little reading here, and it breaks my heart to see the kind of pain people are dealing with. My situation is no where near as intense as some I'm seeing here, and I don't know how I would cope with some of that. 

All the same, I figured I should at least introduce myself and tell my story before I said anything to anyone else.

I've only been married two years. Been together almost four years before we tied the knot. We had some ups and downs, as everyone does, but we rarely ever had arguments. We were one hell of a team, and damn proud of our commincation with each other. She is...well...was...the love of my life.

But then I did something terrible and ruined all of it.

Last year, not even half a year into the marriage, I let a text conversation with an ex get out of hand. It got romantic, it got a little dirty, it was like nostalgia porn. I kept making excuses for myself. We barely had sex, I have my needs. This is just words. No harm done. So on and so forth. I stayed friendly with that ex for a couple more months, tried to flirt one time after than initial conversation, but we both immediately felt weird and wrong and had not spoken since. That was probably in May.

I left the conversation on my phone, and a few months after the final texts, my wife went scrolling through my phone while I was asleep and found them.

She was devasted, obviously. We've had money troubles, sex troubles, career stress...but she could deal with all of it because she always knew she could trust me. That's the one thing she never had to worry about. Until she did.

We talked. A lot. We spent the next few weeks trying to sort out all of the pain and betrayal. After a while, she had admitted to me that she had set up a meeting with a guy in California to have sex with him out of revenge. She admitted this to me, but I kept my cool as best I could. Told her I understood, but I didn't want her to go. That we can't solve this by escalating things. I told her I loved her and I had slipped up once, but never have before and sure as hell wouldn't again. We talked for a couple more hours and she finally forgave me. After that things began to return to normal. Problem was, that pain came lurking back into her heart and she never told me. So...this past May, after getting a little drunk, she said that she didn't know where her depression began and ended, and said she was only with me because she was worried I would do something to myself if she wasn't. I told her I could not let her stay with me out of fear...and two days later she wanted a divorce. I fought it. And gained back some ground. Over these past two months I worked like hell to make things work. Told her there was more to her misery than just us. She was worried about her mom. Hated Iowa. Hated the idea that she would be trapped here because I would freak out if we moved. (I had a real bad anxiety attack while attempting to move to Colorado, and we immediately moved back to Iowa.) So I told her to get to Oregon with her mom. Take the time she needed for herself. And I would be there soon after.

Well...she finally moved July 7th. We had one decent phone call, and after that it just kinda fell apart. We would speak less. We would text less. It felt strained and too polite. And the other day, I finally called her to talk about this. She said she didn't miss me. She hated how much pain she was putting me through. And said she still wanted the divorce.

So. Yeah. This is on me. The one time I screw up and act a pervert is with the person I dedicated my life to.

This is just fresh for me. Still very raw. And I know time will heal this wound. But I know that comes at the cost of love. Memories. Having this person who I loved. Who was my best friend. Now be a total stranger to me...It's unbearable.

I keep telling myself that I will be fine. I have to focus on myself. I even joined some dating sites in an attempt to mean something to someone. But the moment I started speaking to anyone else it felt wrong. I don't want to mean something to anyone. I won't want to start dating again. I just want my wife.

And it kills me. It kills me knowing that this could have been prevented. If I had just kept my stupid hormones under control and put that stupid phone down. She would still be next to me. She would still love me. I destroyed what made me happier than I had ever been in my entire life. I destoryed an entire life together with someone amazing. Someone who really loved me, flaws and all. All the pet names. Her laugh. Knowing how safe I made her feel when I held her during hard times. I have to leave that behind and build that up with someone else...

I lean on friends. I lean on family. But it's always there. Always lingering. Just one thought too many away from a complete breakdown.

So...that's why I'm here. I want her to be happy. She deserves so much better than me...but this hurts so much.

I've never been happier than being her husband.